What should a person do not forgive you? Forgiveness as a need. Remember that your offender is a person just like you.
Question:
if you have done something wrong, are objectively guilty, and want to make peace with the person. Do I need to ask for forgiveness or somehow admit guilt? Wouldn't this be a blow to the rank?
Answer from Alexander Biryukov:
In medieval Japan, a samurai lost face if he undeservedly offended or insulted someone, and after that, coming to his senses, did not ask for forgiveness. And if he asked for forgiveness, atoned for his guilt, then he saved face. And there was no blow to rank. The stubborn refusal to admit his guilt was a blow to his rank. Asking for forgiveness was not considered humiliation. Even proud samurai.
Don’t be afraid that they will “send you away” or “laugh at you.” A fault confessed is half redressed.
Just remember that words are nothing. Your duty, your sacred duty, is to make amends to a person. Don’t expect that after the word “sorry” he will throw himself on your neck with joy. The most difficult work is yet to come. You need to convince the person that he was not mistaken in forgiving you.
And if he doesn’t answer, won’t he forgive? There's nothing you can do about it. If your repentance is sincere and ACTIVE, if you made every effort to make amends, but that person did not accept it, then accept it as a fact. We can't force people to forgive us.
Will this humiliate a person? No. It will neither elevate nor humiliate.
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Question: Is it necessary in life to forgive enemies and people who once deceived you or betrayed you?
Answer from Alexander Biryukov:
I just answered the opposite question, “should you ask for forgiveness if you are guilty?” Now I will approach from the other side - from the side of the one who is asking for forgiveness.
When they ask me whether it is necessary to forgive those who have harmed you, offended you, insulted you, or set you up at some point, I think hard.
At the height of hostility, I shout “NEVER!!!”
But when the quarrel ends and reason replaces instincts, I understand that those who stumble once should not be doomed to limp forever. If, of course, he really repented, realized his guilt AND WANTS TO MAKE UP FOR IT.
My door is always open. Everyone who was my enemy in the past, harmed me, insulted me, betrayed me - can come and say at the door: “Forgive me.” There is no need for explanations or justifications: words are worthless. “Forgive me” - as an access code - is quite enough.
This does not mean that I will immediately forget his meanness, betrayal, and enmity. But this means that I will extend my hand to him, smile and let him into the house.
But already under my roof. Leaning on my hand.
In my opinion, this is the most correct and fair option. Give a chance to someone who has stumbled. Do not drive him away, do not mock him, do not mock him, but allow him to atone for his guilt once.
Although, for me personally there are exceptions. For example, I will never forgive a woman for cheating or getting knocked up. I'm certainly not talking about false paternity or marriage and divorce scams.
Today, after the program, I got into the PM and again saw questions on the old topic.
“What to do if a person stumbles? Should I forgive or not?
At first, when I arrived home, I wanted to hang up the old text on the wall again, in which I answered this question. But then, while riding on the bus, I thought deeply about the topic.
And that's what I realized.
There are actions that cannot be forgiven. Treason. Flight. Marriage scam. Targeted harm to you (for example, when a woman leaks your business secrets to your competitors out of revenge).
There are offenses, minor mistakes that can only be noted with a calm remark.
That’s what I was thinking about the whole long way home.
Most often, these actions are committed not out of malice, not out of hatred, but out of stupidity. And most often at the very beginning of a relationship.
In general, any beginning of a relationship is a time of mutual problems. Two people are in love - the brain is turned off. And that’s why they screw up in a black way. Both.
This is fine. But sometimes among these “stupid” jambs there are some that are really heavy. It's not cheating, of course, and it's not cheating. But they cause trauma, serious offense to another person. The hurt and pain are strong enough to break off the relationship.
Should we forgive these mistakes?
This is what is very important here.
1. Did the person who messed up understand that he was to blame? And where exactly is the culprit?
2. Did he feel the pain of loss?
3. Has he repented and is he willing to make every effort to correct the situation and regain the trust of the other person?
If the answer to all three questions is “yes,” then my advice is confident and unequivocal - FORGIVE.
And that's why. Anyone who has not made mistakes and has not lost has not felt the pain of loss. He doesn't know what it's like to have and lose.
And the one who made a mistake and lost received this pain in full. And, remembering her, he will never allow this terrible situation to happen again. He will avoid this joint for the rest of his life.
What to do if a person has repented and is ready to correct the situation, but does not know how?
Give me a hint. Explain. Not everyone has experience rebuilding relationships. And often the guilty person is simply stifled by the fear of being sent. He is simply afraid to ask for forgiveness and generally somehow declare himself. He is afraid of ridicule, mockery, misunderstanding.
If they ask you for forgiveness, then remember: THE SWORD DOES NOT CUT OFF A GUILTY HEAD. You can demand that the situation be corrected, but you do not have the right to mock or humiliate a person for his mistake.
It’s better to say straight out that you won’t forgive. Two words.
Giving a second chance is a characteristic of a strong-willed person. The weakling will collapse in whim and take an offended position. Or he will crawl on his belly, begging forgiveness from the one who is to blame.
N.B. We do not consider relapses and do not forgive them. We are talking about only one, first and last chance.
My experience suggests that someone who once lost and had difficulty returning it fears this loss all his life. You can be confident in this person.
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About forgiveness. Part 2.
As one might expect, there has been a lot of controversy and confusion about the forgiveness clause.
Let's figure it out.
1. Treason. Is it necessary to forgive if a woman cheated out of stupidity, drunkenness, religious reasons, holidays, or the moonlight?
No. Treason cannot be forgiven. Treason to the motherland has always been punishable by death. No prison, bag, shawarma. Only execution.
A woman's infidelity to a man is punishable by throwing garbage out of the house and out of one's life. Even if she is “very aware” of everything, I don’t advise forgiving. Unless you're lazy, of course. If you're an asshole, then my misogynistic advice is of no use to you.
2. How many times can you forgive and give a chance?
ONE. Remember, one time. The first forgiveness is generosity, a characteristic of a strong man. The second forgiveness is patience, the characteristic of a sucker.
If a person made a mistake once, it can be attributed to an accident. But if he commits it a second time, it means that it is no longer an accident, it is a system, it is part of his character. Do you need a person with critical character flaws?
Therefore, the annual amnesty timed to coincide with the Day of Protection of Red Deer does not work here.
3. Will a woman perceive your forgiveness as weakness? After all, real men are rude, brutal and never forgive anyone.
Let's start with the main thing. It depends on what and how you forgive.
If you forgive what cannot be forgiven, you are lazy. If you yourself jump in front of the culprit, as if begging for this very forgiveness, then you are lazy. If they threw a lonely “sorry” through your teeth, like alms, and you are ready to fall on your belly in front of your beloved, then you are lazy. If you were fooled by apologies, but in reality it was zero point zero, and you accepted this blah blah show, then you are lazy. And a sucker. And she endured. Your place is in the friend zone, where you will find yourself very quickly.
An adequate woman will be overjoyed at the chance you gave her. She uses it to its fullest to regain your trust. Restore by DEED, not by words.
If a woman does not do this or even perceives the act of forgiveness as your weakness, then this is even for the better. The sooner a woman reveals her bad character, the less time and effort you will spend on her.
And measuring brutality is generally a matter for low-ranking trash. Only she is fixated on visual rank, because there never was a real one.
4. What to do if a woman messes up, but does not take any steps to correct the situation? Or are these steps doubtful (flickering before your eyes, etc.)?
Nothing. All these tricks and manipulations have been described a long time ago. And flashing before my eyes, and closer and further, and, and. We read, it’s all there.
The woman understands that she messed up, but is in no hurry to admit her guilt, and especially not going to correct the situation. The tin crown bothers the home-grown princess. Show-offs are stifling. Asking for forgiveness and restoring your trust is not her royal business. Rejoice, serf, that she deigned to like you on the social network.
And therefore she is an eyesore for you, so that you yourself will approach the celestial goddess. Periodically he pulls the string, reminding him of himself. That is, she messed up - and you fix it. And conquer the princess again. And she will still get stuck: you are not actively pursuing her golden hole.
In general, all this has already been described by me in books, I simply recalled it by applying information about female manipulation to a specific particular case.
Therefore, to the question “how to react” there is only one answer: not at all. You can only react to real steps, not to . If there are no real steps towards reconciliation on the part of the guilty party, then there is nothing to react to. Throw the unfortunate manipulator out of your head and move on with your life. Let Alena pull the string, not you. Back
You have made a stupid mistake in your life and now you are extremely guilty before your guy. Yes - you realized the depth of your guilt, yes - you apologized, yes - you burst into tears, and yes - you wrote him a hundred SMS messages. But he does not react in any way to your pleas for forgiveness. Is it really possible that wherever you kiss him, there will be a “fifth point” everywhere?
Or maybe you're doing something wrong? Or have you spoiled a man’s soul so much that he doesn’t want to know you? Or are you just rushing things?
Let's try to understand his psychology, find out the depth of your guilt and clarify how much you realized it. And only then will we find out what can be done to make the guy forgive you.
Maybe it's not about you, but about his character?
There are such capricious men who behave worse than whiny women - they make a tragedy out of everything and after that they are offended for a very long time. If you don’t know your boyfriend well, and he bucked for the first time because he was offended by you without the desire for further communication, then be careful! Especially if the quarrel was very trivial.
Well, here's an example scenario: you were late for a date and didn't warn him about it. Of course, he didn’t wait for you and left. You call - ignore, write - ignore. On the tenth call, he still deigned to answer and said that he didn’t like your carelessness and unpunctuality, and you should move away.
No, a little later he found the strength to forgive you, but he did it with such a sour look, as if he had swallowed a lemon. But your next mistake brought his quirk back. And again you call, ask for forgiveness and cry.
If you constantly show such weakness at every little thing, then this is what awaits you in the future:
You will surround yourself with complexes and begin to be afraid of everything. You'll check a hundred times to see if your phone is connected - what if it rings and the battery is dead! Will you control your every word - what if he finds a hint of negativity in some phrase spoken? You will even be frightened by your own behavior - after all, a step to the right, a step to the left will be punishable by moral execution.
He will behave like a usurper. Yes, he will find a half-hint in your phrase, consider any of your behavior immoral, and will generally start a huge scandal for turning off your phone. His goal is to train you to be an obedient Bug so that he can easily manipulate you. And he is also flattered by your running after him.
You will always be the outsider, and he will be “with the crown on the throne.” He will be allowed everything, but you will not. He will find a logical explanation for his sins and mistakes, and will also weave your guilt into them. Such men are dangerous because they flirt and become tyrants who can easily beat their wife.
If you don’t know this person well yet, and he is already showing his obstinate character, bordering on stupidity, then stop begging him for forgiveness. If you are dear to him, he will change tactics, and if not, then you are doomed to be his slave. Therefore, run away from him before you are head over heels.
If a guy can't forgive cheating
Apparently, you are eager for forgiveness without delay. Love does not tolerate betrayal, even accidental. And when the betrayal is still fresh, “bleeding”, then there is no need to beg for forgiveness instantly, throwing a hysteria with a showdown, this is more likely to infuriate than make you think.
Pride, insincerity, an attempt to “crush” a partner under oneself, making him guilty, will lead nowhere. And if you also disdain the help of relatives and friends who are trying to reconcile you, then what do you want?
A person who is offended by you wants to see your sincere feelings and awareness of how wrong you were. A normal guy, and not a monster, will not spread rot on you with your “joint”; on the contrary, his heart will thaw if the repentance was from the heart.
But if you were forgiven once, but you still didn’t understand anything and you step on the same rake, hoping that your “jamb” will slip through a second time, then don’t blame me! They really don't want to contact you anymore.
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
If you're interested, you can. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.
There is a common idea that if you have been wronged, you need to forgive. In reality, people who have “forgiven” more often receive not relief, but a deterioration in their psychological and physical condition. In this article I will tell you why this happens.
I’ll tell you that there is real, sincere forgiveness and imaginary forgiveness. About how to distinguish them so as not to deceive yourself. And about what to do to make forgiveness real and bring real relief.
How to distinguish between real and imaginary forgiveness?
The fact is that in life and at receptions I come across a huge number of examples of imaginary forgiveness. I will give 2 cases from my own practice. Names have been changed.Example 1.
Woman, 32 years old, 3 months after stroke. She came with complaints of depression, anxiety, apathy, and irritability. I ask what she had before the stroke. She says her husband cheated on her. After the betrayal, they separated and did not live together for six months. Then she “forgave” him and they decided to get back together. A week after that, she had a stroke.
Example 2.
A mother contacted us about a 3.5-year-old child. Dima has been flatly refusing to go to kindergarten for 2 weeks now. When mentioning kindergarten throws a tantrum. Again I ask what happened 2 weeks ago.
The situation was simple: one of the children beat Dima. The teachers resolved the situation by asking Dima to forgive the offender. Dima said that he forgives. After lunch, the same child beat Dima again. The teachers again suggested that Dima forgive the offender. Dima refused until the last moment, but what can a little boy do against a persistent teacher? I had to “forgive” again. As you probably already guessed, Dima was beaten a couple more times that day. And every time they demanded forgiveness.
From the examples it is clear that in reality there was no forgiveness. There were only words. There remained pain inside, and a feeling of injustice, and fear that the situation could repeat itself, and humiliation. That is, the resentment remains.
This is the essence of the entire article: while the offense remains, there is no talk of any real forgiveness.
As long as we are offended and have not received compensation, forgiveness will be imaginary, unreal. This means it won’t help, but will only make it worse.
What happens if there is no real forgiveness?
After imaginary forgiveness, there are several options for the development of the situation and all of them are bad:1. Unconscious and sometimes conscious revenge. For example. I will stay with my husband who cheated on me, but I will not trust him. I will remind him every day and make him feel guilty. I will be afraid of emotional intimacy. I will refuse intimate relationships.
2. Outbursts of anger, irritability. The irritation has not gone away, it seethes inside and periodically breaks through.
3. Fears, phobias, panic attacks. Fear that the situation is not over, that there may be a repetition and again I will not be able to protect myself.
4. Psychosomatics. Exacerbation of chronic diseases or the appearance of new sores. Imaginary forgiveness drives emotions deeper. They find no way out, remain inside and become destructive.
What to do?
The best option is to demand compensation. It doesn't necessarily have to be money or something material. Although this also happens. But this could be an admission of guilt, or special attention or care.The meaning of compensation is to compensate for damage. If the damage is material, it is ideal to compensate it with material means. If your chicken is stolen, let them compensate you with chicken. Or they will refund its cost.
If the damage is moral, compensation can be both moral and material. Here you need to think about what the actual damage is. What exactly have you lost and how can you recover it? What need is violated and how to satisfy it.
In example #1, the wife needs to think about what good her husband can do to her so that she can trust him again. Perhaps discuss this with a psychologist. If there is no such compensation, the relationship is doomed.
You can truly forgive only when the damage is compensated.
The essence of compensation is exactly the opposite of revenge:
Revenge: You made me feel bad, now I want you to feel bad too.
Compensation: You did me bad, now I want you to help me do good for myself.
And most importantly: the compensation should be such that you can end the situation for yourself and never remember it again.
This does not mean "forget". This means not returning thoughts every day. This means not blaming. Not to do the one to blame person.
Remember the Russian proverb: whoever remembers the old is out of sight. And its continuation is very important: and whoever forgets, away with both. That's what we're talking about.
What if compensation is not possible?
Sometimes it happens that it is not possible to receive compensation. The abuser may be unavailable. Or disagree.In such cases, there is also no need to rush to “forgive”. You need to take care of yourself first. That is, independently or with the help of other people, compensate for the damage caused to yourself. Recover.
If the spouses from example No. 1 did not agree on compensation and nevertheless divorced, then the wife’s resentment and anger will remain until she finds another partner. One with whom she can again have a trusting relationship. Only after this can we talk about real forgiveness.
If there is no compensation, real forgiveness comes only after we have experienced our trauma.
And yes, she will have to do it herself. Because no one else will solve this problem for her. Maximum - you can use the help of friends or a psychologist.
How can I check whether I have sincerely forgiven a person or whether I am deceiving myself?
Any reader can do this right now. You need to ask yourself:1. Will I be compensated for the damage caused to me? If I was not compensated by the offender, then did I compensate myself? Do I have now what I lost?
2. Can I sincerely, honestly thank the offender for the good things we had and wish him happiness in his future life?
If both answers are “yes,” then forgiveness is real and the situation is truly over. If at least one answer is “no,” then the situation is not over for you and forgiveness is still far away.
Another variant. I offer you half humorous (and half serious) psychological test, consisting of just one question.
Which option best suits your situation today:
I loved you so sincerely, so tenderly...
- ...may God grant you, beloved, to be different;
- ...God forbid that your loved one be anyone.
“Whoever is for love, there will be forgiveness.”
“Forgive me for all the grievances I have inflicted, wittingly or unwittingly.”- I received such a letter yesterday by email from one of my acquaintances. I wanted to answer: “What are you talking about, what kind of grievances can there be...”; “I’m not offended by you, I have only gratitude to you”; “So much time has passed, I’ve already forgotten everything”, well, and something like that. I think every person has encountered such answers.
I walked down the street, did not answer the letter, because in my answer options I did not feel, but saw only empty words. I really had no hard feelings towards this person, but something was wrong. And what answer would I like to receive if I wanted to ask for forgiveness from a person - I asked myself. “I forgive,” I answered myself. “I forgive you,” I answered the man in a letter a few minutes later.
It seems like an ordinary situation that does not deserve attention separate article, but there is something about this topic that touched me, and it sounds like: " I don't answer directly a direct question, a direct appeal" What does it mean?
I responded directly to the direct appeal, but the point is that I wanted to answer in a florid way. The fact is that the one asking for forgiveness wants to be forgiven, which means he wants to hear “I forgive” instead of thinking; I know, because a few months ago I asked forgiveness from one person. Then they answered me: “Andrey, when was this? There is nothing to be offended by". Then we talked for a few more minutes and said goodbye. Now remembering that episode, I feel that my request for forgiveness remained unsatisfied. Am I still forgiven? No. Something was relieved in my Soul, but the forgiveness that I expected to hear did not happen. My feeling of guilt decreased, but did not disappear, and again sank into the depths of my Soul.
During therapy sessions, I try to explore in detail the area of the client where it is difficult for him to accept full responsibility for what happened and that feature that prevents him from directly addressing the one he offended. Often people are more accustomed to contacting their own thoughts without turning to another person; This is how misunderstandings arise in relationships where there is no way to speak directly and be heard without fantasizing.
The desire to forgive without the offender asking for forgiveness is the desire to get rid of the oppressive feeling of resentment. In this case, it is important to take care of yourself, and if possible, then make contact with clarifications and explanations first, without waiting for the offender to deign to ask for forgiveness. I repeat that for deeper forgiveness, contact with a person is necessary, clarification of the situation.
By clarifying the situation, opening up to others, it often turns out that the situation is different from what is seen from one angle. Sometimes clarifications reach the point of humor, where the absurdity of the situation itself is revealed. Humor is an indicator of reducing tension and overcoming a conflict situation.
Have you ever encountered the fact that when someone asks you for forgiveness, you don’t want to forgive, you make such facial expressions as if you were telling the offender that you need time to think. If YES, what feelings and motives prompt you to do this? Maybe the desire is for the guilt of the offender to “bite” the owner? If so, then it is important to understand that in addition to being offended, you have also drawn yourself into a game in which there is no name and the meaning is very dubious, but there is definitely anxiety and constant thinking: “ How is he/she doing: is he/she suffering or not?».
The suffering of the offender is a transfer of responsibility for his condition onto him like: “ When you have suffered enough, then I will forgive you" The trick is that after asking for forgiveness and not hearing a word of forgiveness, the offender can say to himself: “ No, no trial”, and walk further down the street calmly chewing a pie with jam, while the offended person can smolder and smolder from within for decades, awaiting the “lynching” of the offender. In this state of affairs, it is clear who is committing lynching and for what.
There is another trick: without hearing the words of forgiveness, the offender begins to take offense at the one who has not forgiven him. Control shot of lynching due to guilt.
I thought a lot about: what to do when a person does not respond to a request to forgive? I had to deal with this too, and now I understand for sure that it is still important for me to take an action on my own for which I am responsible, and whether a person forgives me or not is his responsibility. Here, after all, you can spin the topic on the fact that a person has pride, or does not have the skills to forgive at all - there are different situations. For myself, I clearly felt that even if they don’t answer my request to forgive, my Soul still feels better.
Joke:
The trial and final hearing are underway in Georgia.
— Accused Gegvadze, what is your last word?
- One hundred thousand.
- Is this your last word?
- Well, no, I have more...
- On net and court net.
By the way, money is a universal tool in relationships between people. Those who know how to use them to resolve a conflict situation expand their opportunities for building relationships. – How much is it worth for you to forgive me?– The offender can ask and settle the deal. The effect is amazing. Are you surprised by my proposal? But people use food and drink as an equivalent to money to "get around" in the world, why not use money directly?
Forgiveness is acceptance of the situation. Accepting the situation is not patience and suppression of feelings. Tolerate means to suppress your sensitivity. Calling resentment a negative feeling that a person thinks is worth getting rid of, he often pushes himself and the situation in order to get rid of the oppressive feeling. Resentment is simply a feeling that signals that there is a difference between a person’s expectations, perceptions and reality. The difference is the inability to satisfy the need.
« If the world is not what I want, then I am not safe in this world. If it is not safe, then you need to freeze in fear, or run away, or attack him with hatred" You can take responsibility for the fact that the world is not what a person wants: “ It's my fault that what's happening to me", but this is of little use. Where there is a feeling of guilt, there is an unconscious need to be, sometimes, in order to atone for the guilt. It turns out that sometimes people punish themselves for feeling guilty because they feel offended, instead of examining their character, their attitude towards the world and situations. It is the position of an observing researcher, and not a punisher, that helps not to plunge headlong into the situation. Life does not set itself the task of destroying a person, and it is important to remember this.
When the world does not meet expectations, then, in order not to experience another crisis, people sometimes choose to control the world and situations. This can be clearly seen in relationships between people. I think that the controlling type often includes women for whom the need for security is more important than for a man, because they have children, or the opportunity to have them. Therefore, in order not to feel resentment due to unfulfilled expectations, they choose control, in which the possibility of partnerships, the opportunity to discuss and negotiate is lost, and there is a desire to reshape the world and relationships for themselves. In a controlling relationship, there is only ME, and the partner is the one who must provide security for ME, and/or the potential threat of a security breach. It is the controlling type who has suffered the trauma of injustice in the past, if we do not take women into this context.
I think that the controlling type of people tries to control the feeling of resentment, since it interferes with controlling the situation. By exploring your feelings and the trauma of injustice, you can discover in yourself the resources and opportunities to be in relationships as equals, you can find emotional and physical lightness that will appear from the release of tension and grip. Try to clench your fist tightly and hold it in this state for as long as possible. Just take and clench your fist to understand what kind of emotional stress a person faces and what stress he experiences. What happens when your hand gets tired? What do you want to do? What does a person experience who is constantly experiencing physical or emotional stress? « No more strength”, - you can hear from people in this state.
I will repeat this because it is important. The value of exploring your resentment is to release repressed emotions in yourself so as not to hurt yourself and others in vain. Releasing suppressed emotions releases a huge package of energy: it goes away, sleep and well-being improves, health, endurance, the ability to reason sensibly, the opportunity to give birth to a child, build relationships... I can list for a long time.
“When you decide whether to forgive someone who has offended you or not, it seems to you that you are choosing humiliation or dignity. In reality, your choice looks completely different. You choose one of the options – either death or life.” Lazarev S. N.
Mutual resentment - this can even lead to a knife fight. " The strongest resentment comes from a close, beloved person, because we open up to him with all our souls. Logic dictates: “The way I treat a person is how he should treat me.” A loved one behaves in such a way that we change our Soul. Despising and condemning, a person defends his logic, but not the feeling of love: “I love him, but he, a scoundrel, betrayed me.” When a person tries to maintain logic next to love, the feeling of love will perish. When one tries to preserve the feeling of love contrary to logic, love persists, and then it is easier to forgive.
I have observed many times that a person refuses to preserve the feeling of love because he can overcome heartache impossible for him. In this case, it seems to the person that if he gives up the feeling of love, this will reduce suffering. No matter how it is. It's exactly the opposite; when a person first tries in every possible way to justify a loved one, when he tries to see the essence of the conflict, when he tries to see what changes in the soul the situation provokes, and manages to maintain a feeling of love, the first and strong impulse of resentment and condemnation is overcome. Then you can start analyzing what happened, but first, no matter what, try to preserve the feeling of love.”. S. N. Lazarev
Loving does not mean avoiding conflicts and quarrels. To love means to disobey logic. Loving is not a reason to be in a relationship. Resentment is not a reason to break them off.
In my understanding, asking for forgiveness is repentance. Repentance is when words are followed by a change in character, behavior... Repentance without change is shaking the air. “I forgive”, without the internal state of a forgiving Soul, too. To briefly summarize, repentance and forgiveness are a state of the Soul, first of all, and not just words for appearances. What is the use of shaking the air if there is no meaning behind it?
It happens that you want to forgive a person, but something inside doesn’t allow you to. I can assume that there is no skill in dealing with offense; there is no skill to make contact with a person to clarify the situation; there is no skill to withstand tension when talking with the offender; there is no skill to find the meaning of the conflict with the offender; no skill to ask for forgiveness; there is no skill to maintain relationships after clarifying the situation and talking about forgiveness; there is no skill to forgive yourself, after all.
It would be fair to say: “I want to forgive you, but something inside me does not allow me to do this, perhaps this has nothing to do with you directly, and this is only about my ability to forgive people.”, - when you can’t answer “I forgive”, but you want to say it. This one appeal to the offender is enough to reduce tension between people. The fact is that when a person tries to be understood, speaks from the Soul, another has the opportunity to hear him with the Soul, to understand what is happening to him.
I think it's an important skill to talk about yourself. This may be difficult for those who lead a secretive lifestyle, who carry their experiences within themselves, but this skill can be learned simply by implementing it in life. Gradually, “closedness” will turn into “openness,” and for this it is important to understand that suppressing feelings undermines health. Out of respect for yourself and your health, it is important to be able to deal with your feelings.
You can skillfully handle your feelings, be open in clarifying the conflict, but if a person does not see the meaning in the conflict, it is very difficult to forgive. When a person understands what character changes a situation provokes, when he changes his character, then the resentment goes away by itself.
As an example, I recently spoke with a client of mine who had difficulties in her relationship with her mother. There was not just resentment, there was anger and contempt, disgust. Of course, we worked for more than one session on the client’s character, on dealing with the conflict, but the result was that the vacation spent together with her mother clearly showed an improvement in the relationship between them.
If a person does not change internally, the resentment does not go away. If it is important to feel a sense of superiority over the offender (if I am offended, then you are to blame, and if you are to blame, then I am right), the offense does not go away. If you are offended by a person who, by his behavior and character, resembles you, when in fact you are angry with yourself for such a character, but transfer your anger to someone else (because it is more difficult to be angry with yourself than with others) - the offense does not go away. Resentment does not go away and it is difficult to forgive even when there is not enough internal energy for change.
It is difficult to overcome resentment when there is attachment to a person. Attachment often looks like wanting the other person to make you happy. Makes you happy - good, fails to make you happy - bad. This results in resentment, disappointment and expectations, quarrels and separation. In this case, it is important to examine your attitude towards people: who they are for you; on what principle does attachment occur; How do you cope with the feeling of loneliness? what dreams do you have for your loved one; how you treat yourself; Do you have a tendency to disappoint or offend people with your behavior...
In order to remove attachment, it is necessary to remove aggression. Aggression is removed by action (clarification of the situation), exploration and change of one’s character, one’s attachments and expectations, through the healing of bodily symptoms. You can convince yourself that there is no aggression in attachment, but where there are expectations, there is aggression. Persuasion is nothing more than resistance, resistance to look truthfully at your feelings and relationships.
It is also important to understand why you want to forgive. To relieve aggression? To remove attachment? To forgive yourself? To love a person without attachment and aggression? To change your character? To make your soul feel better? The trick is that high expectations create attachment, and attachment leads away from love.
Attachment and high expectations arise from self-doubt (my partner must give me this confidence and joy), from the lack of “ground” under my feet—reliance on myself in my feelings and actions. Self-reliance is independence, where a person takes responsibility for his feelings and actions, rather than placing responsibility for the conflict on his partner. The following questions help determine responsibility: “What did I do that the situation became like this”; “What did I do to make the situation different”; “What am I going to do to change the situation?”.
I clearly remember a period of my life and an episode in which I could not forgive a person. Out of despair, I tried to find something in common in a conflict situation, and then I discovered: another person, with his behavior, reminds me. “So it’s me who is angry at myself and projecting anger onto him.”- I thought. “There’s no point in blaming the mirror if your face is crooked.” When I began to think more about myself, about my life, then the resentment gradually decreased. At such moments, I get the feeling that situations in life are natural, so that in practice we learn to interact with people who often mirror our character.
What about lack of energy... “He knows that the problem will always be solved. Why do people think so much about their lives? Because they are trying to solve it on their own. It can be easily solved with the help of other forces.”— I once heard Oleg Torsunov say. It follows from this, and I have verified this in practice, that if you ask for help from God, Mother Nature, the Universe (whichever is closer) in forgiving, forgiveness comes. Maybe not immediately, but forgiveness comes. It is important at this time not to put pressure on yourself, not to push through the situation and the process of forgiveness with the desire to do everything faster. Consciousness has its own speeds, the Soul has its own. You need to love the road you are on.
It is important to know that resentment can return. The point is that every feeling has layers. There is no need to be afraid that when it seems that the situation with resentment has passed, it has passed forever. When another layer of resentment emerges, if you feel it, you will notice that it has a different character, i.e. is not directed to the past situation, but relates to the character of the offender. If using an example, then with a new wave of resentment, if you ask yourself the question: “ Who else am I offended by in my life”, “What situations in life cause me to be offended”, “What causes me to be offended”,- you can get information about your offense in general, as about the feeling that exists inside a person and is projected onto the environment.
If, when a resentment resurfaces, you look inside yourself - into the depths of your soul, then you can find there a feeling of rightness and a desire to control situations. Controlling the situation is often a way to protect yourself from emotional trauma. If you cannot control the situation, resentment and condemnation emerge. A traumatized person views the world from his own experience. In this case, when working with a client, I sometimes examine the trauma itself, help resolve it, since the trauma has fixed the offense, and the offense has fixed the trauma.
Life itself gives a person situations in which he can learn about his grievance, which he resolves; if the situation pushes towards condemnation, the resentment has not gone away; if the intensity of feelings is less, it means that the past resentment is in the process of being resolved, but if a person reacts to a new situation with acceptance, does not “get hurt”, and makes contact with the person, it means that the past resentment has been resolved .
But... I think it is important to explore all situations in a person’s life where he felt resentment. All events are interconnected into branched links; It happens that it comes back to haunt you in one place, but responds in a completely different place. Sometimes you wonder; I resolved what seemed to be a recent situation with a grudge, but it is impossible to forgive a twenty-year grudge. This is where you should go with your thoughts and feelings in order to end the situation.
I noticed that you can internally forgive a person and live with confidence that the situation has been resolved. A real meeting with the offender is a test to see how the situation goes. What is hidden from the inner gaze can come out in contact with a person. It doesn’t even have to be an offender from the past; a similar situation is enough for the collapsed feelings to come to life. Guilty without guilt - they say in cases when experiences are transferred to another.
Strong feelings always influence behavior . For example, a man’s wife cheated on him. Over time, work on overcoming condemnation and resentment bore fruit: the man forgave the woman and does not feel condemnation towards her. How this man will build a relationship with another woman is largely determined by his psychological trauma and fixed behavior. If you can overcome resentment and condemnation on your own, then to change behavior you need the help of a psychologist.
Resentment is a feeling, behavior is an action. You can change the feeling, but if the behavior remains the same, this indicates that the offense has fixed the behavior. “Blown on milk, he blows on water”- people say. In more detail, if a man transfers his fears of betrayal to his new chosen one, treats her as if she cheated or is going to change, it means that he has not completely let go of the situation with his wife’s betrayal in the past.
Experience should not be confused with fears. More precisely, fears are the experience of an unfinished situation, which prevents one from gaining a new experience of behavior, a new style of relationship that is different from the previous one. Surprisingly, this is true; There are cases after which an emotionally traumatized person who has experienced a shock and lived through it becomes more good-natured, open, and trusting.
A claim or grievance should always be expressed. “How can another person understand what is happening to you if you are silent?”— I sometimes ask clients. When there is conflict, you always need to take action. If you do not take action, then the energy that is released during a conflict to resolve it can turn into internal aggression directed at yourself or another person. How a person deals with this energy will determine his condition and health.
I will repeat this because it is important. Conflict should lead to action, but not destructive (guilt, accusation) of what we don’t like, but to its creation and change. It is important to clarify the situation with the person, since without clarification the feedback is disrupted. For example, my behavior or treatment may unwittingly offend a person, while I do not do anything intentional to create offense. Each of us has our own reality and our own virtuality. When I find out that I have offended a person through involuntary behavior, then I can take this feature into “arms” and change my attitude and character. If I don’t say that I offended someone, then I will continue to do what I did before - offend someone else. The one who is offended at the same time will swallow resentment and anger towards me, which, of course, will negatively affect our relationship.
What to do when it is not advisable to air out a grievance? What to do when a person realizes that he cannot yet talk about claims without accusations? To begin with, you can mentally talk to a person; talk about your feelings, needs, talk about the difficulties that you see, build sentences and appeals in your mind that will not contain accusation and condemnation. This can be learned. Gradually, you can try to transfer the mental dialogue into real relationships.
About feedback. To forgive does not mean to condone, i.e. allow repeated behavior. For example, a man offended a woman. Time passed, she forgave him. The man, knowing that he has been forgiven, again makes it clear by his behavior that he intends to repeat the situation. Stop. At this point, it is important to monitor the situation and understand that forgiveness does not cancel the punishment. Impunity corrupts two people. Punishment does not necessarily take the form of physical force, as it has good results when explained verbally.
Lack of punishment disrupts the process feedback. I wrote about this, but it is not superfluous to repeat it. In feedback, it is important to show the other person that you are ready and will defend yourself, that you have your own boundaries and needs, your own opinion, which is important to take into account. Without feedback, without protecting yourself, a situation may arise in which a feeling of guilt may arise. ( It was I who allowed the situation to repeat itself by believing him). Guilt creates a need to forgive yourself. The situation has turned upside down.
Just the other day I was thinking that the more friendly a person is, the more love he has, the more important it is for him to be tough. Proportionality is important. Toughness does not replace kindness. The fact is, and I’m not the only witness to this, that the goodwill of one person is often perceived by the people around him as weakness and strives to realize their pride through humiliation.
On the Internet, I found a gentle way to protect myself, and how people react to it: “With other people, when I see that they are starting to take advantage of me, I explain that I am the same as them (I also work and am tired), if they respect themselves, they will behave accordingly. It becomes easy because the condemnation of others, humiliation of oneself, and despondency go away. People are starting to act on their own.".
A few days ago, in a store, I had a conflict with a security guard. Surprisingly, before this conflict I thought a lot about the proportionality of benevolence and harshness; The situation itself led to a test. I acted strictly and within the law. The conflict was resolved. The pitfalls were revealed later, when a sense of rightness began to emerge in me. Being right brought up condemnation... Stop. Then I really had to work on my attitude towards the situation in order to... well, you understand.
When I understand that I can turn my conflict with a person into action, when I understand that a person reacts adequately to the conflict, then I am not afraid of difficulties in relationships - and the resentment dissipates by itself. I know that the reader may have many questions regarding even the following: “What to do if the other person doesn’t want to understand me”. If this happens, it means that the offender has one or a couple of ways of interacting and expressing himself that do not bring the expected result, and it is necessary to look for and implement new ways. How? I think, for starters, a good way to put yourself in the place of another person and try to feel, understand how you would like to be addressed to me (him). Often the answer is outside the usual zone of understanding.
Surprisingly, when you manage to look at the situation through the eyes of the offender, then you can feel unity with him, compassion. Personally, I was somewhat surprised: when I achieved such a “rearrangement,” I accepted the conflict more easily. " A dog can bite, only from the life of a dog"- sang in one cartoon. People also have reasons, sometimes unconscious, to act one way or another. You can be angry and indignant at this fact, but this does not change the reality.
Psychology is closely intertwined with philosophy and religion. So, each of us lives his own destiny, goes his own way. If two people are destined to separate, they separate. You can be offended by someone else all your life, but understanding that the offender has gone his own way to cope with his tasks helps you accept the situation and let go of the person internally. Many people get stuck because they don't know what's going on.
Getting stuck in place is facilitated by the desire to preserve your picture of the world, your idea of yourself and people, relationships. Defense takes the form of justification and accusation. If a person makes excuses, then unconsciously he already accuses. The one who makes excuses and accuses will not change. The offender may be wrong a thousand times on the external level, but on the internal level he behaves in accordance with the internal state of the one he offends. How the one who was offended behaves in this situation determines his fate. “I am what I did to myself, not what happened to me.”— C. G. Jung. These are the pies.
Resentment gives rise to a feeling of superiority, which originates from one's own rightness. The stronger a person defends his rightness, the more he depends on the situation. ( Here time will pass, and you will see - I'm right). How more people depends on the situation, the more aggression and condemnation he is ready to act with. The dependence on the situation intensifies, and the offended person, without realizing it, turns into an offender.
“If a person, defending his innocence, turns out to be right, he will be hated, because he will have a feeling of superiority. If it turns out that he is wrong, then he will be despised, because it turns out that the offender is more right. If the one who was offended, without making excuses, simply fixes his point of view and does not defend his rightness, then the person who understands that the other person is right will respect him. Anyone who does not defend his rightness is subject to respect. The one who defends - to hatred, condemnation... It is possible and necessary to speak your opinion, but to fight for the truth has no meaning and benefit. The truth fights for itself" S. N. Lazarev.
The one who is less attached is not offended: to relationships, to a sense of justice, to results... A necessary skill for a person is the transformation of desires: “It’s not working out now? Well, it’s okay, we’ll postpone it until tomorrow, or until a favorable time.” If there is no rush, no pressure on oneself and the other person, attachment is overcome. Of course, you can push through the situation and get the desired result, but in this case you should always pay attention to what feelings the person experiences, what feelings he still has. Pushing through the situation at all costs, a person often notices that the skin is not worth the candle, i.e. a shattered emotional state is not worth the result obtained. If so, resentment cannot be avoided.
In order not to face disappointment and resentment, everyone knows this - a person justifies both the “skin” and the “dressing”. “So what if the grapes are unripe and sour, that I had to tear my pants when I climbed over the fence, and got an abrasion on my knee, but I tried the grapes,” the person says in this case. In fact, by making excuses, a person masks disappointment and resentment, instead of admitting it... for starters.
A person is generally an expert at hiding his feelings through intellectualization, devaluation, denial... It’s hard to watch yourself; You can see the speck in someone else's eye, but we don't notice the log in our own. For self-observation, honesty with oneself is important, and this is not always pleasant, but often useful. It is useful because, having realized the feelings that a person has been hiding, he brings them into the sphere of awareness, which means he can handle them.
In my work, I often ask people: “How are you feeling now? How do you REALLY feel right now? What do you really want to do? These questions help a person look inward and discover hidden feelings and motives. After all, this often happens: there is a feeling of resentment, but a person has hidden them so deeply through resistance and the passage of years that there is no resentment, but there is impaired emotional and physical health.
In order to change your character, you need to to some extent stop defending yourself internally and feel open to the situation. “Why did I end up in this situation?” - such a question helps you look deep into your soul and take a sober look at relationships. Yes, I know, you can encounter psychological withdrawal, which is caused by a change in the way of perception. But life is also such where, with the same behavior and method of attitude, it is impossible to obtain a different result - a result that will change the character and attitude towards the offender.
It is important to know that the one who was offended has a greater chance of changing his character than the offender. The offender is right - he does not need to change, and he remains static in his behavior. The one who was offended has two possible directions: 1) Become angry and hate the offender, thereby immersing yourself more in experiences without changing your character. 2) From the emotional pain caused, look for a solution that will alleviate the situation. The solution lies in changing your perception of the situation and relationships. Therefore, no matter how strange it may seem, I think that the one who was offended is in a more advantageous position.
Real forgiveness is saying goodbye, saying goodbye to something that used to be. It's hard to go forward with your head turned back. By saying goodbye, a person lets go of hopes and unfulfilled dreams, thereby overcoming internal difficulties. Overcoming internal difficulties invariably transforms a person and a “farewell” to the former self occurs.
When a person says goodbye to his unfulfilled hopes and dreams, forgives himself, another person, removes claims to fate while maintaining warmth and gratitude for the lesson in his soul - a new future comes. In the new future, there will definitely be other problems that need to be solved. Life without problems is an illusion. Happiness is found in solving life situations while maintaining mental balance.
Many people love their problems, and under such circumstances it is impossible to maintain peace of mind. I first encountered this fact many years ago while working with a client; she became despondent that the problem she came to me with had been resolved. She had nothing to do. Adaptation to the new state is an extremely important period; you can resolve the situation, get relief, but never learn a new experience. The lack of new skills provokes a “slipping” into the old lifestyle.
Therefore, it is important to understand that a person who has chosen the path of decision and change faces twice the emotional burden; he needs to resolve and let go of the past situation, and he needs to gain skills that will help him adapt to his changing character. In conditions when character changes, the style of behavior and relationships with the outside world change. You can learn not to be offended, but if a person does not become more good-natured, it means that he stopped himself halfway. You can also learn how to apply a cold compress to your forehead, but you still can’t learn how to avoid the rake.
If we return to the love of the problem. It’s one thing when a person loves his problems and finds secondary benefits in them, another thing when he cannot “untie” himself from them. What helps in “untying” is not the rest itself as passivity, but a switch of attention, a change of activity. " I compared the results of two influences on a twice-tired right hand - simple rest and rest of the same duration associated with the work of the other hand... My surprise increased even more when it turned out that the work of the tired right hand after working with the left became much stronger than it was after the first rest period"- wrote I.M. Sechenov. This is due to the fact that different areas of the cerebral cortex are responsible for different activities; While a person is digging potatoes, those parts of the cerebral cortex that were responsible for mathematics are resting.
Wishing happiness to the “offender” and thanking fate for the life lesson is a sure indicator that you have learned to forgive. It’s okay if you can’t forgive right away - it’s a matter of skill. Having once experienced complete forgiveness, a person has the opportunity to transfer this experience to other life situations. This does not mean that you will no longer be offended, since situations in life are varied, but that the vector of movement in overcoming the offense will be known to you.
Next time, when resentment arises again, you should ask yourself: “What is the motive for my resentment? What do I really want? What is my need to be offended?” I want to clarify that every feeling has a need. By realizing the need and realizing it in action, you can learn more about your feelings, and not suppress them, do not fight them, slow down the action when you have strong feelings, when necessary, transform. Also, those who are offended should think about what I did not give, those who feel guilty about what I did not receive.
“Who is responsible for you experiencing these feelings?” I sometimes ask my clients. “Who chooses what emotion to experience,” I ask, clarifying my first question. The fact is that if the offended person “shifts” the responsibility for the feeling he is experiencing onto the offender (it is your fault that I am offended), it is more difficult to forgive, since the responsibility for the mental pain lies with the offender. In fact, the offender is responsible for the SITUATION, but what emotion to experience is decided (responsible) by the one who was offended. If this is not so, then why do people react differently to similar or identical situations?
If you take responsibility for your feelings, and not transfer it to the offender, then your choice and possibilities for coping with emotions, influencing the situation, and your attitude towards yourself and another person expands. “I am responsible for choosing to be offended,” says the one who wants to be the master of his condition. “I choose whether to forgive or not,” says the one who takes responsibility for his life.
In a parent-child relationship, parents are responsible for the feelings experienced by the child. The article was written on 02/01/2016.
Marina Filonik, Christian psychologist, psychotherapist, researcher Federal Institute development of education.We are publishing the continuation of her lecture “Resentment: I can’t forgive - what to do”, held at the Church of St. bessr. Cosmas and Damian in Shubin.
What does it mean to forgive?
Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh. Photo from the site mitras.ru
Vladyka Anthony of Sourozh in one of his conversations about forgiveness said: “To forgive does not mean to forget; to forgive means to say with compassion, with pain in the soul: “When the Last Judgment comes, I will stand up and say: do not judge him, Lord!”
For me, the topic of forgiveness is a very important idea: forgiveness is not an act, but a process. Because a person often has a requirement associated with forgiveness: I must forgive. But how? An honest person with good self-accountability understands that it is impossible to forgive by an act of will. We know from experience how difficult it is to forgive. We try, we want, but we can't. And it is important to accept this, this is reality.
Forgiveness is a long process. And what matters is whether we are in this process or are we stagnant? Are we stewing in our emotions, in the desire to take revenge, to punish, or do we still want to free ourselves?
Important conditions for forgiveness
I will list some important conditions for forgiveness, some kind of tips on this path, sometimes they can be considered as stages, there will be five of them.
First: honesty. It is important to realize that I am offended, and at least admit it to myself first. It's complicated. There are reasons that prevent us from honestly admitting this to ourselves, I will talk about them in detail below.
Second, oddly enough: the desire to forgive. It seems like everyone has it, but it's not that simple.
Third important condition: trying to understand the other, decentration. To get out of the circle of resentment towards forgiveness, we need to break away from our experiences and think about why the other person did this. In resentment, we are very focused on ourselves: I am poor and unhappy, everyone is against me, what a sufferer I am. And it is very important to shift the focus of attention from yourself to another.
Fourth: what Bishop Anthony of Sourozh said: “do not judge him, Lord.”
And fifth, although not the last thing that can be useful on the path of forgiveness: an attempt to look at the offender, and even better - both at him and at himself - through the eyes of God. It is very difficult to look at ourselves through the eyes of God, because our image of God is distorted; often parental traits are attributed to him: authority, severity, detachment, indifference, etc.
Often in therapy you can hear: “God doesn’t care about me, and who am I that He should listen to me.” And then it turns out, as a rule, that in childhood the mother did not care about this person, she was not interested in him, did not hear, etc. - like tracing paper.
Now let's move on to each of the indicated conditions and talk in detail.
First: honesty and awareness
Vladyka Anthony wrote that to forgive does not mean to forget, “to forgive means to look at a person as he is, in his sin, in his unbearability, what a burden he is for us in life, and say: I will carry you like a cross.” , I will bring you to the Kingdom of God, whether you want it or not. Whether you are good or evil, I will take you on my shoulders and bring you to the Lord and say: Lord, I have carried this man all my life, because I felt sorry for him so that he would not die! Now forgive him, for the sake of my forgiveness!
How nice it would be if we could bear each other’s burdens like this, if we could carry and support each other: not try to forget, but, on the contrary, remember. Remember who has some weakness, who has what sin, in whom something is wrong, and not tempt him with this, protect him so that he is not tempted in the very thing that can destroy him.”
This may be a very high bar, but there is a message in these words that is very important in the topic of forgiveness: we should not try to think that the offender is all such a wonderful and wonderful person. And our forgiveness does not depend at all on its goodness or badness. Whether we forgive or not depends on ourselves.
In the Lord's Prayer we say: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” The key word in our context - “to debtors” means that I admit that evil has been done to me, that I am very hurt, that I may have a lot of anger at the offender and self-pity. I don’t close my eyes, I don’t say that everything is fine, and you didn’t do anything, you’re absolutely wonderful. This will not be true.
If we do not see this, then it prevents us from moving further on the path of forgiveness. One of my friends, who has been offended by her late dad for thirty years, told me a fantastic thing several years ago: “You know, I was recently told that, it turns out, it’s a sin to be offended - well, now I’m not offended.” For me, this is one of those examples when it’s incredibly difficult to be with a person. That is, this is a person who simply radiates resentment with his skin, but does not admit it at all. Doesn't admit it sincerely.
In case of unawareness, non-recognition of one’s feelings, especially anger and resentment, the likelihood of developing psychosomatic diseases increases - in other words, when the soul does not experience, the experiences go into the body, the body weakens and psychological health. For the soul there comes stagnation, a dead end, because nothing can be done (I don’t take offense at anyone).
But how can we learn to become more aware of our feelings and resentment? If the offense is fresh, then you can stop, take a freeze frame: “So, what’s happening to me now? I'm offended. I am angry. On whom? For what reason? What exactly irritates me? What exactly offends me? This does not mean that you need to immediately run to the offender for a showdown, but it means that you need to honestly talk everything through with yourself, not necessarily out loud.
A believer can express his feelings or his misunderstanding of feelings in the face of God. And this conversation, even an attempt at it, will be more honest than hypocritical prayers for forgiveness and non-condemnation, if the heart at this moment is full of anger and condemnation.
In the life of Vl. Atony had just such a case: as a child, he was offended by someone, came to the priest and said: “I can’t forgive him - how can I pray? what to do?". The priest replied: “Do not read these words yet: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”
Whether it is necessary to talk about your feelings to the offender is a difficult question. There are different circumstances. The offender may be touchy himself, or may not hear anything. But if you decide, speak in the form of an “I message”, do not blame him, but tell him how you feel.
It is important to conduct these conversations in a calm state. If you are now in a passion, in hatred, your fists are clenching, then it is better not to say anything yet.
Second: the desire to forgive (I don’t want this in myself)
The second condition for forgiveness—the desire to forgive—may even seem strange, because it seems like we all want to forgive. But are we always equal to our feelings, our desires? After all, it happens that I don’t want to feel something, but I do. And vice versa.
So if you find that you do NOT want to forgive, do not be alarmed, but separate yourself from your experience. Realize that I am not my offense, nor my sin. My unforgiveness is not who I am. This does not mean that I am an unforgiving person, I am such a walking insult.
Even if I feel that I don’t want to forgive, then this is exactly what can and should be brought to God, let Him do something about it, we ourselves cannot do anything. The heart changes only by grace, that is, only by the action of God - in response to our honesty, sincerity, and humility.
You can honestly say to God: here is my trash, here I am dragging it to you now. Look. But this is not me. Because my truth is that I don’t want this. My whole being resists. I don’t want to be offended, but this trash of mine torments me, and I carry it around and can’t leave it. You should do something with her already.
This important attitude, when we understand that resentment is not my essence, helps us take a step towards liberation. Both psychologically and spiritually, too, because it is not my resentment that goes to meet with God, but I, as a person, carry this basket of resentment, my urn, to prayer, to confession.
This saves you from despair when a person gives up: “I am a garbage dump, there is no forgiveness for me! I am so-and-so!” But this is not true. The garbage dump doesn't go to pray. You, as an individual, will go and carry your trash, praying for deliverance.
“Judge not, lest ye be judged” - we all know. But no one thinks about the fact that don’t judge yourself, too! After all, as I judge myself, I will also judge my neighbor. If I am a trash heap, and he is even worse than me. Vicious circle. So I urge everyone to have a more respectful, value-based attitude towards themselves.
Third: trying to understand the other
Or decentralization. As I already said, experiencing resentment greatly concentrates us on ourselves. And it can be very difficult to go beyond your offended state and look at someone else, especially at someone who does such nasty things to me.
An important thesis to help us, which we need to seriously understand: behind every offense there is a conviction that the other can and should behave differently. Keywords"can" and "should".
If we try to seriously think about why a person acted this way and not otherwise, think about what was happening to him at that particular moment, and be honest, we may doubt whether the person really could have acted differently? To act as we expected of him, based on our own ideas about him, and not on his real capabilities?
But how did he feel at that particular moment when he offended us? Maybe something preceded this? Maybe he was overwhelmed by passion, he was overcome by anger, and that’s why he began to scream? What motivated him? What was the motivation? A conscious desire to harm me or...
If he spoke in anger, then everyone who himself spoke in anger knows how difficult it is to stop here, because you simply do not understand anything. It’s not for nothing that they say: anger carries a person. Pay attention to the phraseology: there is not even a subject left here. In this state, we ourselves do things for which we later become ashamed. And when we come to our senses, we sober up, we think - what have I done? For what?!
It is no coincidence that I now ask you to turn to your experience, because if we remember similar moments about ourselves, then we will be able to better understand our offenders.
If you manage to realize this, then almost 90 percent of the grievances go away. But it is very difficult to take into account the motives of another person when we ourselves feel bad, and even through his fault. It seems obvious that if a person cannot, he should not. But we often are not even interested in whether he can or not. We immediately demand: you must, you don’t do it - I’m offended at you.
Or, on the contrary, you do something bad, but you should have done something good - I’m offended by you. But let's think: we, too, often cannot do what others expect from us, and even what we would like from ourselves.
Therefore, this requires very serious psychological work with yourself, when you can take some of your grievances and try to look closely at someone else, at the one you are offended by, to figure out how he really could have done it differently or should have done it differently .
I know examples of how people began to do this in a situation of some kind of grievance with the help of a psychologist, and then learned to do it on their own, that is, this is a mechanism quite accessible to us.
Fourth: Forgiveness in the Context of Eternity
Our parishioner Tatyana Ryabinina said at one of the visiting conferences: “forgiveness is natural if you think about death.” Of course, there is the truth of our pain, there is sometimes some kind of unbearability, an inability to bear another person, he has caused so much evil - a nightmare.
But if you manage to think about how to place your view in the context of eternity - not in the context of our relationship with him now, but in the context of eternity, when both he and I come to God, and... what then? Am I really going to say to God on the threshold of eternity: “You know, he did all this to me – please take this into account there, please”? What will happen to my heart when we reach this point?
These are such matters that, of course, it’s not easy for me to talk about it, but at the same time, all this is so important in our topic. Here such an existential truth is revealed, if we can look at those people who offend us this way.
A memory can also help here: did I have anything good associated with this person? After all, we most often get offended by the people closest to us, by those who are especially dear to us, and there are reasons for this, why this happens. We hold grudges against those we love dearly, and sometimes it can be helpful to simply shift my attention from dwelling on the bad stuff to remembering something good I have about it.
This logic of expanding the field of view is very important. Because resentment greatly narrows the field of vision. In resentment, a person sees only, in essence, himself, his pain and the other as evil. There is such a narrow-mindedness. And it is important to open your eyes, expand your view and then understand that yes, there is bad, but actually there is also good.
From this expanded logic, it is easier for us to understand why a person behaved this way with us, that he is not a clear walking evil, just as I am not a walking garbage dump. And maybe such a look, here in this world, will help us someday, following Vl. Anthony, to say: “Do not condemn him, Lord!”
Fifth: look at man through the eyes of God
And not only on another person, but also on yourself. But here we touch on a very important and difficult topic: the distortion of the image of God in ourselves. Usually this is a transfer of ideas about the parent. The way my parents treated me is how I believe God treats me.
Therefore, there is also the question of whose eyes I look at. The question is serious. If so, strictly speaking, to technologize, this method is not suitable for everyone. After all, if I have a serious distortion, then I will not look through the eyes of love.
But you can try: in the practice of prayerful reflection, in particular, before the cross, remembering Christ, who spoke from the cross about forgiveness, you can try to look at those who have offended us. You might think: how does the Lord look at me now, when I am tormented with my resentment, with my inability to forgive and come to His cross?
But let’s say the steps are completed and the resentment is gone. The person is calm, but at the same time does not want to maintain a relationship with the former offender. Does this mean that it was not possible to forgive completely?
It happens that it didn’t work out. But it happens that you have forgiven, but trust in the person has been undermined so much that you do not want to close the distance. You chose for yourself the degree of intimacy with this person that you considered safe for yourself, you have the right to this. Making peace does not always mean becoming friends again, even if there was a previous friendship.
The topic of trust is related to forgiveness, but it requires a separate discussion. Families often experience similar things when one of the spouses experiences betrayal. Each forgives the other, but then cannot believe. He wants to, but he can’t. There is no way to regain trust. Something is broken in the soul, and we cannot restore it. And here, again, you cannot deceive yourself and force the process. Neither in the case of spouses, nor in the case of friends.
For now, the truth is that you may no longer be angry or feel resentful, but you also don’t want to communicate. If we are not talking about the spouse with whom you live in the same apartment, why is it necessary to communicate? If the wounds have not yet fully healed? Maybe there is a fear that it will hurt again. And the protection works. The main thing is to take it calmly. Now - like this. And then - time will tell.
Insight
Our conversation today gave me the idea that behind touchiness lies, oddly enough, a low-value attitude towards oneself. I will try to explain why a person who is often offended is a person with a deficit of self-worth.
There is a well-known law: how I treat myself is how I treat others. And, as a rule, if I have a lack of self-acceptance, a lack of love for myself, a lack of value towards myself, then this is one of the deepest reasons for resentment. Behind the touchiness is the need to be rushed around me all the time, to prove that I exist, I am good, I am needed, there is something to love me for and that I am loved.
And if a person does not hear such confirmations, or if they are not enough for him, he will always find a reason to be offended. Because without constant confirmation, his world collapses, and he, as a person, as a person, disappears. Therefore, touchiness signals codependency, strong dependence on another.
Here I would like to give a short quote from Silouan of Athos. Not literally, but the meaning of his statement: “How well the king’s son lives, he doesn’t need to worry about anything, his father is the king, he lives in the royal mansion, to his pleasure, everything he wants, everything is done here. Now, if a person trusted the Lord, he would also feel like the son of a king. And we feel like stepchildren.”
That is, in the topic of resentment, the problem of identity arises: who am I? Including in your relationship with God. So we pray: “Our Father,” we say that God is our father. But if He is the father, then I am the daughter. Sinful, but beloved, because God has no unloved ones. There are those who do not love God or do not know about His love.
If we are Christians, and we know that we are children of God, then we have no problem with identity, in a sense: we are children of God. And if I am the daughter of the Tsar, then why should I be offended? Who can offend me?
And if I am an orphan, or a daughter, or it is unclear who, then the topic of identity is open and there is always room for grievances. Therefore, the issue of identity in the topic of resentment is basic.
To summarize our lecture, we can say: the feeling of resentment can be learned to be controlled in some sense. The main thing is to start with the smallest steps, without expecting big results from yourself right away. Don't think that just because you have a five-step plan that you've found the antidote to resentment.
If our grievances last for years and decades, we will not be able to free ourselves from them in a month or two. We need to get ready for serious and long-term work. Remember that resentment is a childhood habit that can be overcome.
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