What does it mean to depend on someone else's opinion? How to learn not to depend on the opinions of others and be yourself. This is not their life

We are satisfied with life when our loved ones love and wait for us and significant people. This dependence can be taken for granted and “don’t scratch where it doesn’t itch.” What to do if public opinion haunts you? Know yourself and make sure you are worthy of love and respect.

It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who thinks what about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? A famous woman once said: “I don’t care what you think about me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who said that she does not care about other people’s opinions, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.

People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most people need the approval of others, sometimes even those they don’t like. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once stated: “...Believe me, I care what people think about me... because I’m not a robot "

Impressionable people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young people, are too dependent on the opinions of others. Perhaps they will feel better when they learn about the “18-40-60” rule by American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, including “Change your brain, change your life!” He assures his patients who suffer from complexes, lack self-confidence and are overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18 you care what others think of you, at 40 you no longer care, and at 60 you understand what others think about you.” They don’t think at all.”

Where does this dependence on other people’s opinions, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers, come from?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming your interlocutor and making a favorable impression on him. After all, as they say, “ kind word and it’s nice for the cat.”

We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to be liked, a person says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not as he is comfortable, but as his friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their lives. How many destinies have failed because the opinions of others were put above one’s own!

Such problems have always existed – as long as humanity has existed. Another Chinese philosopher who lived BC. e., noted: “Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner.”

Psychologists say that dependence on other people’s opinions is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people don’t value themselves is another question. Perhaps they were “shut down” by authoritarian parents or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities due to successive failures. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings not worthy of anyone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, unloved and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or to be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”

By the way, everyone famous work A. Griboedov’s “Woe from Wit,” written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is concerned not with the conflict that occurred in his house, but with “What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?” In this work, Famus society with its sanctimonious morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.

Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have own point view, are treated with condescension, they are not taken into account and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. Essentially, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a feeling of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.

True, there is another extreme: one’s own opinion, desires and feelings are placed above all else. Such people live by the principle: “There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one.” But this, as they say, “is a completely different story.”

Is it possible to learn not to depend on other people's opinions?

As secretary Verochka said from the movie “Office Romance,” if you want, “you can teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including

1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself

And for this, first of all, you need a strong desire. Writer Ray Bradbury told people: “You can get anything you need if you really need it.”

Changing yourself means changing the way you think. Anyone who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, he is not satisfied with it). After all, everything we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth thinking about what is paramount for us – our own life or the illusions of other people.

Known for his bright individuality, the artist said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals in his childhood;

2. Control yourself

Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to others. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.

There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact everything has already been decided for us by friends, parents, colleagues. A young man is forced into marriage because “it’s the right thing” and “it’s time,” because all his friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some kind of food with her to the village during the holidays. young man, passing her off as her husband, because the mother is ashamed in front of the neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need and have expensive weddings just to meet other people's expectations.

When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking yourself how well it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it’s easy to let yourself be led astray from your own path in life;

3. Love yourself

Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will judge us. There are so many people, so many opinions – it’s impossible to please everyone. Yes, I’m “not a piece of gold to please everyone,” said some literary hero.

So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Isn't it better to take a closer look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a single whole.

A person who does not love his home does not put it in order and does not decorate it. Someone who doesn’t love himself doesn’t care about his own development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he doesn’t have his own opinion and passes off someone else’s as his own;

4. Stop overthinking

Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of others. A married colleague had an affair with a co-worker. No one was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered and in the end quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, the behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is concerned primarily with his own problems.

All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone wears socks of different colors, a sweater inside out, or dyes their hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention. Therefore, you should not depend on the opinions of others, who are often completely indifferent to us;

5. Learn to ignore other people’s opinions if they are not constructive

Only those who are nothing are not criticized. American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then “do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” But we don’t want to “be anything.” This means we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to that with which we disagree, not letting it determine our lives. The famous one, addressing graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: “Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

Others' success and popularity often arouse envy among people who covet them but lack the intelligence, ability, or self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinions in the comments, trying to break down and force “to leave” those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly received fame. And sometimes they succeed.

Those who like to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are deplorable, and should be treated with a dose of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.

When a person is not confident in himself, doubts his strengths and actions, he reacts sharply to the assessment of others.

He is afraid of being judged and constantly strives to please people. At the same time, he does not notice those close to him who accept him with all his shortcomings, but is fixated on those who criticize him.

Fear of condemnation is a prison into which an insecure person drives himself, but can free himself at any moment.

This article contains 7 tips that will help you learn not to depend on the opinions of others.

Where do the fear of condemnation and dependence on other people's opinions come from?

Photo: Thư Anh/Unsplash

There are many reasons that make people depend on other people's opinions. And at the heart of each is the fear of losing something:

Lose youth;
Lose social status;
Left without money;
Lose control;
Part with comfort;
Die.

Many people are afraid of being rejected. This is the fear on genetic level: Our primitive ancestors always stayed in tribes to survive. Therefore, rejection by the tribe is a subconscious fear of death.

How would life change if we stopped worrying about what others think of us?

People judge others based on their own experiences and vision of the situation, which have nothing to do with us. Therefore, it is illogical to base your self-esteem on the opinions of strangers.

As soon as a person puts his own goals, life experience and spiritual values ​​at the forefront, he will stop being led astray by false goals that are imposed by society. He will be able to objectively evaluate his big and small successes - and this will motivate him to move forward.

The problem is that these fears are deeply rooted in the subconscious, and to get rid of them, you need to work hard on yourself.

How not to depend on other people's opinions and overcome self-doubt

Photo: Omid Armin / Unsplash

1. Realize that many people don't care about you at all.

This is often what happens: we torment ourselves with doubts, what will they think of me? And people have their own problems. They have no time to think about you - they are busy with themselves.

Every time the fear of judgment creeps in, ask yourself: how often do I pay attention to the clothes, figure, and gait of other people? How much do I care about their views and life position? You will be surprised to discover that you don’t care about those around you - there are more important problems.

Realize this simple thought, and the fear of rejection will go away.

If the first tip didn’t help, look your fear in the eye: what will happen to me if:

They won't like me;
They will refuse me;
They will not agree with me;
They won't understand me.

The answer to all questions is that nothing will happen. You will not lose your health, family and environment that shares your views. They won’t take your business away or fire you from your job. Your life will remain the same.

Here's a simple exercise to help you avoid anxiety. Ask yourself: if the worst happens and I get rejected by the company, how can I handle the situation?

Write down on paper all the feelings you experience. Allow yourself to even be a little upset. And then make a plan to move forward. This technique will allow you to process an imaginary bad experience into a constructive solution.

When you have a clear plan of action, you will stop being afraid.

3. Think about what is more important: your goals or the opinions of others?

If J. K. Rowling had given up after numerous publishers' disapproval, no one would have known about Harry Potter. If Howard Schultz had given up after more than 200 banks refused, the world-famous Starbucks chain would not have appeared. If Walt Disney had followed the lead of investors and destroyed his unique park, Disney Land would never have opened its doors to visitors.

Examples like these are clear proof that you need to listen to yourself first. This is confirmed by numerous historical examples. If great scientists relied on the opinions of others, we would not now enjoy the benefits of civilization, but would live as in the backward Middle Ages.

Therefore, before sacrificing your plans for the sake of others, think: is it worth losing yourself in order to please those around you?

4. Write down your own life principles

No matter how much you try to adapt to other people's opinions, there will always be people who will criticize you. Not just one, but others. So what's the point of pleasing someone if you're still going to be dissatisfied?

There is another solution: write down your own principles and live in accordance with them. This position provides two obvious advantages:

You live by your interests and goals;
You are respected for your strong opinions, whether they are shared or not.

Start by identifying your core values: honesty, commitment, self-respect, compassion, responsibility, etc. Add to this list as necessary.

If you follow your principles in any situation, you will have an ironclad reason to respect yourself. And it will raise your self-esteem.

5. Reserve the right to make mistakes.

All successful people made mistakes and learned from them - that’s why they achieved heights. And none of them will judge you for a mistake - this is a normal working moment on the way to the top. This is your experience, and not at all a reason to worry or fear criticism.

The phrase “he who does nothing makes no mistakes” is absolutely true. Those who criticize are those who do nothing and therefore do not make mistakes. But is it worth worrying about the opinions of such people?

Here's another useful self-esteem exercise. Repeat daily: “This is my life. My choice. My mistakes. I myself learn lessons from circumstances. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I don't have to make excuses. If I am not harming anyone, then there is no need to care what others think of me.”

6. Value your individuality

If you are not like others, this is not a reason to be upset and try to blend into the crowd. Your individuality is what sets you apart from the crowd.

With the arrival Soviet power own opinion and individuality were threatened with execution. At socialist system people were told: keep your head down, be like everyone else. Our genes and we have inherited the fear of being different from others.

But this stage is long gone. Today, uniqueness is not only priceless, it allows you to achieve success faster. Therefore, there is no need to adapt to others.

Do they laugh at you because you are different from others? Laugh at those who remind you of an incubator!

7. Turn rejection into your best motivation.

Rejection usually produces one reaction: I am not worthy. A person is trying to understand:

What did I do wrong?
Why wasn't I accepted?

Negative emotions are a dead end. They will only make the problem worse. If this happens to you, take a few deep breaths to calm down. And then look at the situation from the other person's point of view. New facets that you did not take into account will open up to you.

Rejection does not mean that you are bad. On the contrary, it is a great incentive to look for a better solution. Use any failure as a motivator to take action.

Let's sum it up

Photo: Erik Lucatero/Unsplash

A painful reaction to criticism is a person’s low self-esteem. The fear of condemnation and rejection by society is genetically embedded in us. But you can and should work with it:

1. Realize that people are more concerned about their own problems, and not about our imperfections.
2. Look your fear in the eye: what will happen if people don’t share your views? And draw up a “rehabilitation plan” in advance.
3. Think about what is more important to you: realizing your goals or pleasing others.
4. Writing down your own life principles is the first step to self-respect.
5. Allowing yourself to make mistakes is a normal process.
6. Appreciate your individuality.
7. Make refusal a powerful incentive to action.

Material prepared by: Inna Klevacheva
Cover photo: Jurica Koletić / Unsplash

Every day you face misunderstanding and condemnation. People will always be interested in you, try to change you, remake you for themselves. When a person commits certain actions in his life, he subconsciously brings them to the attention of the public. Everyone wants to get approval from friends, work colleagues or just acquaintances with whom they have little connection. When you give in to the opinions of others, you constrain yourself, preventing yourself from liberating yourself and doing what you really want. In this article, you will find tips and reasoning that in the future will help you stop depending on other people’s opinions, become more liberated and live freely.

Reasons for depending on other people's opinions

It is difficult to stop depending on public opinion, but it is quite possible. Initially, it is worth understanding the reasons for this dependence. Here are some of the reasons:

1. A person constantly experiences a feeling of imperfection when looking at others. This may concern appearance, material well-being or personal life;
2. Competition is present in any society and everyone wants to take first place, even if he denies it in every possible way;
3. During the formation of the psyche in adolescence, certain stereotypes and ideas about a good life are deposited in the head of the future personality. In adulthood, a person begins to unconsciously evaluate both himself and others according to these criteria.

Addiction breeds fear

People have several types of fear in relation to society:

• fear of negative evaluation;
• fear of not being accepted in a new society;
• fear of attention deficit in society.

Such fears can lead a person to social phobia.

How to stop depending on other people's opinions

Most of us are very dependent on the opinions of others, and this circumstance often ruins our lives. Someone tries to adapt, changing their opinion under the influence of the environment. Others silently endure negative statements, but suffer greatly and depend on other people’s opinions, self-esteem decreases and, as a result, neuroses and depression arise. How not to depend on other people's opinions? What needs to be done for this?

Divide all people according to their importance to you:

• people whose opinions are very important to us and who are really worth listening to;
• people whose opinions are sometimes worth considering;
• people who mean nothing to you.

Life is such that we constantly hear opinions about any events. And there are a huge number of opinions, everyone has their own, it is impossible to simply physically listen to everyone, especially if these opinions are unpleasant for us and interfere with our lives. It is very important to be able to understand people in order to understand whether it is worth listening to them.

Separate the wheat from the chaff

From each opinion you need to extract only the useful, and throw the rest of the garbage out of your head! The main thing is not to let others ruin your life with their opinions. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me,” English proverb.

Already know that you are a cool, beautiful and worthy person! This brings home the idea that it doesn't matter what other people think of you. The main thing is what you think about yourself and how you feel!

You don’t want to live all the time waiting for someone’s support or compliment addressed to you? Then start supporting and approving yourself. Shift the focus of your thoughts from what others think about you to what you think about yourself and how you feel. Do you like yourself? Straighten your back, how do you feel now? Cheer yourself up, tell yourself that you are beautiful and successful, no matter how you look now (after all, it’s not your clothes that determine your status, but your sense of self). Stop looking for approval in the views of others. Let them evaluate themselves. And you already know that you are beautiful and self-sufficient, even if your appearance says something else.

Conclusion

All people, of course, are very different from each other. They all see the world differently, they have different appearances, psychology, opinions and views. Maybe our world will become a better place when we learn to respect the choices of others and try to look after ourselves rather than the activities of others. Never stop on your way, think and do as your heart tells you. Happiness and inspiration!

Listen to other people's opinions - good habit, which allows you not to be isolated in your own egoism and often even become better. But sometimes this quality crosses some invisible line and becomes a painful and unpleasant phenomenon. Someone else's opinion can bring mental anguish, and some especially persistent individuals can even manage to dictate their will to us. There is nothing good in such a situation, and if you find yourself in it or are afraid of getting into it, then you need to strengthen your “protective barriers” and resist social and personal pressure.

Don't act on the contrary

If you want to stop depending on other people's opinions, then you can assume that the easiest way would be to ignore them. This is not a very good move, because ignoring other people’s opinions is the same mistake as completely depending on them. Try to filter every opinion that you think influences you.

First, think about what the person who is imposing this opinion on you is trying to do. Why does he do this? Does he really want to subjugate you to his will, does he always act this way because of his character - or did it just seem to you that this opinion is intrusive? In any case, be sure to reflect on what the person wanted to tell you and what can be learned from this message. If this is criticism, then there is probably a reasonable grain in it that you can usefully turn into the next step of self-development. If a person simply expressed himself emotionally in his heart, then perhaps he needs your support.

Flowing water style

If other people have a strong influence on you, then it is likely that you have a hard time saying no. This means you need to learn to say “No”. Easy to say, not easy to do! Try to be confident in yourself and don’t refuse right or left. At the same time, there is no need to soften the form of refusal itself. Act as the Japanese have done since ancient times: first, instead of “No,” say: “I’ll think about it.” And then be brave and refuse for real, preparing compelling arguments. If it is still difficult to do this face to face, then use an “electronic intermediary,” that is, formalize your refusal by email or message in instant messenger. At the same time, you will be able to clearly describe the reason for your refusal point by point, and not choose words, blushing painfully from awkwardness.

Study, study and study again!

To ensure that no one can influence your opinion, practice how to form it yourself. For example, write critiques and reviews of everything you see, hear, and visit. Movies, books, plays - these are the obvious ones, but you can also write a review of a new employee, renovations in your best friend’s apartment, or even a “review” of your neighbor’s stupid dog. All this contributes to the formation of critical thinking and the emergence of self-confidence, because if you get used to looking for arguments for reviews and reviews, then you can easily find them in ordinary conversation. If you are easily convinced by other people's arguments in conversations, then express your opinion first, then no one will be able to change it. And you can always note the valuable finds of others while telling them.

Uniqueness of a snowflake

To express your opinion on a par with others, it is important to love yourself for who you are. Don't belittle your own personality, don't be shy and try to realize that everyone is different, so your opinion is just as valuable as the opinion of another person. Of course, there are times when another person's opinion will be more valuable than yours. For example, if you have only been working in your position for a couple of months, and you are professional topic communicates with a professional with ten years of experience, who ate the dog in this specialty. But in this situation you shouldn’t worry, because if this pro is really such a good specialist, then he will always be open to other people’s opinions and will not allow ridicule of other people’s mistakes. Don't be afraid to express your opinion if it contradicts the majority opinion. Remember about the uniqueness of each person and each opinion, then there will be no problems with this issue.

Look for the positive

Most main enemy a person who is weighed down by someone else’s opinion is not so much a lack of self-confidence as a tendency to overthink things. Many people exaggerate the significance of their mistakes and failures in the lives of others, they are afraid of seeming stupid or frivolous, although in fact almost everyone around them will forget about your worst failure in five minutes and are more fixated on themselves. If you really found yourself in a situation where your opinion was not just wrong, but even stupid, and you were given weighty arguments in favor of this, then do not despair and do not get lost. Laugh at yourself first, turn it all into a joke - and everyone will have the impression of you as an easy-going and pleasant person, and not as a