Why do we justify other people's actions? How to learn not to make excuses to anyone How to answer without making excuses

Today we'll talk about this habits as an "excuse".

The essence of justification.
Reason for justification.
The purpose of justification.
How to free yourself from the habit of making excuses?
How does the habit of making excuses create a sense of duty?
And how do you recognize a lesson's justification for transformation?
What should you stop making excuses for?

1. What is justification?

This is an explanation to someone outside (people, God) of one’s present (personal manifestation or circumstances) and one’s rightness.

2. Reason for acquittal: internal self-doubts, non-acceptance of the present or aspects of the past. By explaining to another and convincing another, we convince ourselves that I have the right to be like this and live like this.

3. Purpose of Justification:

unconscious - to meet the expectations of others;

conscious - allow yourself to be different, make mistakes, choose, go your own way.

4. How to break free from the habit of making excuses?

Realize the reason, accept your present, allow others to be disappointed in their own expectations. And realize that others cannot replace you. Until you change your attitude towards yourself and begin to treat yourself the way you want the world to treat you, you will remain dependent on someone outside of you.

5. How justification creates a sense of duty?

Primarily there is authority outside and his opinion. Mom, brother, matchmaker, god, teacher, state, etc. There is a projection (his views, expectations), known either personally from the source (through words or emotions), or through intermediaries (someone said what he (she) thinks or feels; someone wrote, etc.), which we perceive through our projection and draw some conclusion regarding the attitude of the other towards us.

And if, according to our conclusions, we do not meet the expectations of an authority that is significant to us, the mind concludes “we are not loved, we are rejected, I am bad” - “and I must receive his approval and love, this is vitally important for me; I will prove that I am good".

And how to do it?

This kind of worship and sacrifice is akin to humiliation and enslavement.

This is how we experience feelings of guilt and debt, created on the basis of an illusory need for another who is outside of us.

Our spiritual needs move to “later”, the goal enters the arena: “I must earn his love and prove that I am good.” But you are who you are - and you are expected to be different. And so you quietly justify to yourself that you are not Vasya, but Petya, and begin to explain why you are Petya, spending a lot of energy, spending it not on creating, but on maintaining the expectations of another (driving yourself into the minus - forming a debt).

6. How to recognize where there is a lesson that will reveal potential, and where there is a provocation for justification?

Both are perceived similarly - in any case, these are changes (development) that the mind perceives warily, as going beyond the comfort zone, the difference is only in the sequence of receiving sensations.

Lesson - brings you the experience of development (positive feelings, a sense of expansion) without intermediaries; provocation - brings positive feelings through approval to others.

In the first case, you get the experience of your soul, in the second - the experience of dependence, which at the same time forms the fear of losing the object of approval

7. What you should stop making excuses for?

1. Life situation in the present.

You don't have to explain your life situation to anyone. If you live in a civil marriage, or move from one rented apartment to another, or live with your parents, although you are no longer twenty, you have a mistress, you are unemployed - you are not obliged to report to anyone why you act this way and not otherwise. . If you are completely aware of your life situation, then this means that you have your own reasons for keeping it that way, and they are no one else's business. Another question is, if you unconsciously do something that you don’t like, change it. But first of all, accept yourself as you are now.

2. Priorities and values.

You have the right to everything. Some people value family for life, some like to travel, some enjoy researching mold, and some enjoy new notes. You are not obliged to explain your life priorities to anyone and prove that this is good and correct. You have your own thoughts about what can be done for the comfort and happiness of your loved ones and yourself - that is your main priority. We are all unique individuals with different values, dreams and aspirations, and one person's priorities will invariably differ from another. You define your own and don’t have to answer to anyone. Accept your path and move forward!

3. Apologies out of flattery, out of habit, out of tact.

You don't have to apologize if you're not sorry. It’s not that you know it’s “so wrong”, but you really feel regret - apologize. If you don't regret your actions, still believe you did what your heart told you to do, and don't really need forgiveness, don't apologize. Otherwise, feelings of guilt will accompany you throughout life. You don't really need to ask for forgiveness unless you feel guilty.

4. Solitude is a natural need.

You don't have to justify your time alone to anyone. If you don’t want to answer, leave yourself and the answer alone. There is no desire to continue the conversation - say so, explaining or not explaining the reasons. Many people are afraid of being considered “rude,” “antisocial,” or “arrogant” if they cancel plans or turn down invitations because they need some time to themselves to relax, “reset,” or just read. good book. In fact, these types of solitary time-outs are a completely natural practice that most of us (again, not all) need.

5. Agree with everyone.

Many were so carried away by spiritual development that they completely refused to express an opinion. You don't have to agree with anyone's personal beliefs, even if it is the mass view of some norm. Just because someone talks passionately about their beliefs, you don't have to sit back and nod your head in approval of everything. If you do not share their ideas, it is unfair to yourself and others to pretend that you agree with them. It is better to calmly contradict them than to build up disapproval and disappointment. You don’t have to argue - you can just express your opinion and change the conversation.

6. The responsibility to say “Yes.”

You have every right to say “No” if there is no compelling reason to agree. The greatest success in all areas is achieved by people who have mastered the art of letting go of everything that is not their priority. Acknowledge the kindness of others and be grateful, but be bold in saying “No” to anything that distracts your attention from your core values. You shouldn't date just because someone is kind, but there are no feelings. You should not agree out of fear or a desire to please; believe another, it is easier to survive an honest refusal than to be deceived by an illusion.

7. Appearance is not a standard, but individuality.

You don't have to make excuses for your appearance. You can be slim or plump, tall or not very tall, pretty or ordinary, but you don’t have to explain to anyone why you look the way you do. Your appearance is entirely your business; you owe it only to yourself. Don't let your appearance define your self-worth.

8. Your tastes and preferences.

You are not obliged to explain to anyone your preferences in food, clothing, sports, sleep, books, films - in any choice. If someone pesters you with a question why you are a vegetarian or a meat eater; why are you wearing this hat? why did you choose this car; why you chose this profession, or why you are a Hindu; why you do it (or don't do it), ignore it and respond that you feel good this way.

9. Your sex life is yours.

If you are in a close relationship with a consenting adult, then it is no one’s business where, how and when you arrange your sex life. You can wait for marriage, have casual relationships, and even experiment with someone of the same sex as you - as long as you enjoy it, it's entirely up to you. If you are offended by your choice, figure out where it comes from; if it pleases and inspires you, go ahead.

10. Your loneliness and relationships are your business.

You don't have to explain why you're lonely. Whether you are married or not, married or not, should be no one's business but yours. Loneliness is not a personality disorder. You are free to choose whether to enter into a relationship or not. Just remember: you are not your marital status. There's no need to label yourself and others with useless social labels. Someone may be nice and cute, but you don't have to go on a date with them. If you feel deep down that you don't need this meeting. Whether you choose to get married and have children or remain single and childless, this will remain personal decision. Even if your mother is just raving about her grandchildren, she will have to come to terms with your life choice, no matter how difficult it may be. Sometimes people make inappropriate comments about your romantic relationship. Surely someone said that you are “not an ideal match” or that you need to look for someone else. However, you are accountable to no one but yourself in this matter.

Live your own life and don't make choices just because someone tells you to.

Stop feeling guilty and ashamed with or without reason.

Make mistakes and learn from them - that's life.

This is your life and you do not have the right not to love yourself... although the choice is yours))).

If we talk about sins, sin is not loving yourself as a magnificent Creator-Creator-Creation.

With love, Alena Ryabchenko.

Stop making excuses for other people's bad behavior.

When a person constantly, day after day and year after year, is content with less than what he deserves, he deprives himself of happiness with his own hands, becoming his own worst enemy. Because once you start making decisions related to what you want from your life and relationships, you will immediately begin to feel better.

And the better you feel, the easier it will be for you to achieve what you want and give up what you don’t need at all. And when you stop settling for less than what you deserve, opportunities bloom around you.

So, there are five ways to stop settling for less and start feeling much better:

1. Stop rationalizing other people's bad behavior.

Do you think that you often justify other people's misbehavior towards you? "He snaps at everyone because he's having a bad day." Or, say, “She had a difficult childhood, which is why she expects so much from me.”

You treat other people's negative behavior as something insignificant, when in fact it matters, and quite a lot. Instead of rationalizing the bad behavior of friends, family and acquaintances, try talking to them - tell them that their behavior bothers you and you would like them not to do that.

If the people you are close to do not listen to you, if they ignore you, or treat you in a way that is clearly unworthy, and you take it for granted, then you are clearly settling for less than you truly deserve.

2. Try to understand that if you did not succeed in achieving something right away, you are not cursed.

If every time something doesn't work out for you, you convince yourself that you are cursed, that some forces beyond your control are preventing you from achieving what you want, and that in general you are a failure, thereby you will push yourself to to be content with less.

This view and approach to life almost guarantees failure before you even start doing anything. Yes, life is sometimes dishonest, but not always. Every time you try to achieve something that you really want, start with a clean slate. Because if you don't, you're allowing the bitterness of past disappointments (and not some inexplicable force) to make you vulnerable. And settle for less than what you deserve and what you can achieve.

3. Understand that it is better to be alone than with just anyone. Don't consider loneliness a flaw.

Just because you are single at this stage of your life does not mean that there is some flaw in you that prevents you from getting along with anyone. Stop eating yourself over this. If you can't be alone without constantly criticizing yourself (justifiably and unjustifiably), you will inevitably settle for unworthy friends and partners over and over again, just to somehow dilute your loneliness.

Embrace being single now so you can achieve something much bigger and better later.

4. Learn to understand what you really want - and repeat it as often as possible.

No one ever gets what he wants unless he understands it and talks about it with people close to him. Try to look into your soul and understand what you want - from small to large.

Discuss this with relatives, friends and acquaintances. Talk about it out loud, and as often as possible. Let the universe know about your desire, and, who knows, maybe it will even help you in some way.

5. Don't settle for what you don't want.

If you don’t want to offend anyone and agree to everything that is offered to you, I can congratulate you - you are on the way to a boring, gray and unhappy life.

If you settle for something you don't really need (or even need at all), you are creating a life for yourself that has nothing to do with what you want. And even to who you really are.

When you are asked to do something, or even when asked if you would like to have lunch at such and such a place, stop for a second and think. Ask yourself often: “Where do I really want to have lunch?”, “Do I want to do this now?” And so on. And then follow the answers you receive.

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Instead of the usual: “I don’t know, sorry,” you can calmly answer the question: “Unfortunately, I don’t know, but ask someone else.” You don't have to apologize for not knowing some things. For example, how to get to this or that street. Usually such behavior is not limited to the street, for example, and people apologize for everything around them at work or at home. Even for things that are not their fault at all. How can this situation be changed?

Guilt in my head

Your apologies on the tongue are guilt in the head. Typically, people who frequently use apologies in their vocabulary feel guilty before society.
Of course, with such a problem there is a problem that will definitely help solve it. But as an option, it’s worth trying to correct this situation at home, as they say.

You need to understand that, in principle, no one on the street usually cares about your gait or clothes. And those who consider it their duty to react to your appearance or words will move on. Therefore, there is no need to pay attention to such behavior.

The most important thing is to note in your head the idea that you have every right to be yourself and even defend it.

Everyone can be wrong

A very natural thing that somehow still needs to be taught to people. In fact, each of us makes mistakes many, many times throughout our lives. We do the wrong things and regret them. Sometimes it’s too strong and too often that we forget about today’s life. About what is happening now.
Therefore, think and decide for yourself, do you want to depend on a wrong action all your life? Do you want to put your future on the altar of this mistake, which perhaps only you remember?

We are sure that no one needs this. The main thing is to admit this mistake and understand that you will not repeat it again. Then the conclusions from your actions will become truly useful for the future and present.

Others can't decide for you

You are a conscious person. You are an adult woman or man, you have experience in dealing with life and problems, you can analyze yourself and those around you. Is it true? So you can be aware of yourself. And if so, then the opinions of other people regarding your behavior cannot become the decisive criterion in decision-making. Naturally, it’s worth listening to other people, seeing yourself through different eyes. Often, this is very important for setting priorities.
But listening to each and every one, always following other people’s advice, without choosing the most sensible and important ones, is stupid.

Always focus only on your feelings and sensations, because this is only your life. And only you will have to answer for it.

Only you can live in harmony with yourself. Understand your pain. After all, if you have a stomach ache, only you can explain this feeling to the doctor. It's the same with everything else.

Hear yourself

As written above, it would be good to hear other people and take their opinions into account. In other words, to be in harmony with society. But you only need to listen to yourself. Placing the blame on your own shoulders puts you at risk. Even if you are used to apologizing for every little thing or for having your foot stepped on in public transport. Despite the habit of saying “Sorry,” listen to yourself. Is it necessary to say this word in a situation where you are not to blame? Most likely no. In most cases, it's just a habit. Like smoking or junk food. And you can refuse it if you want.

Start to notice what you say

We pronounce most words “automatically”. We just say them every day and get used to them that we no longer hear ourselves at that moment.
So, to give up the bad habit of apologizing to people around you, start noticing your speech. Chances are, you have no idea how often you apologize.

Let's talk about excuses - about those excuses that arise when we do something wrong, or when we are told that we are mistaken and wrong, in general, about those cases when we do not want to change something or do something. Think about whether justifications help - the mind sometimes invents, and often gives quite logical and convincing arguments in favor of its being right, but does this change our lives for the better? In fact, most often excuses are just deception, not of others, but of ourselves. But to start living consciously, you need to become honest with yourself, read on - how to stop making excuses.

Self-deception or lying to yourself

People around us sometimes point out our shortcomings or wrong behavior, or we ourselves point out wrong behavior to others - who cares which is closer, and most often in such situations people begin to make excuses. It is extremely difficult to honestly and calmly admit that you are wrong, so few people can do this, especially if the person is under pressure at that moment. The more pressure, the more difficult it is for a person to admit that he was mistaken or did something wrong - this is a note.

As a rule, a person makes excuses because he is sincerely confident that there are no deviations in his behavior, Almost every person is convinced that he lives correctly. And most often, a person makes excuses on an unconscious level, he simply automatically turns on defensive reactions, and the reason for this is our mind. As long as the mind continues to constantly take over our behavior, we will never be able to stop making excuses.

“For one who has mastered the mind, it becomes the best friend, but for one who has not succeeded, the mind remains the worst enemy.” Bhagavad-Gita, 6.6

The mind is like a child, it reaches out to what it likes and rebels when it doesn’t like something. Most people live precisely on the platform of the mind, starting to protest and condemn when something does not suit them, in a particular case, justifying themselves and blaming others, trying to smooth out their guilt by shifting it onto others. How to live consciously - you need to learn to observe your mind, do not let him take over the situation. Mind is within us, the behavior of such a person is, as a rule, spontaneous - that is, in response to behavior and words that the person does not like, an instant, most often unconscious reaction occurs.

Such a person begins to be indignant - some out loud, openly expressing protest and disagreement, and some in his mind - yes, he doesn’t know me, but I’m really not like that, I’m different, etc. For many people, there is a war between the mind and the mind - the mind argues in favor of the right actions, saying, “You’re wrong, admit it,” and the mind says, “You’re not to blame for anything, if anyone is to blame, it’s others, only you.” look at them". The mind will bring up hundreds of arguments just to justify itself, since it is very painful for our mind to admit that we are wrong; the mind does its best to avoid violence against itself.

As we have already said, the mind is drawn to what is pleasant to it, which is why a person, as a rule, endures criticism and reproaches addressed to him so painfully, or when they forcefully try to correct a person for the better. How to stop making excuses - using the power of the mind Having recognized that he was wrong, he is able to set goals and go towards achieving them, show willpower, and distinguish between what is right and what is wrong. But, more often than not, the mind smashes all the arguments of the mind to smithereens and wins.

One of the most favorite phrases of the mind in the case of excuses "Yes, but". For example, they say something to you: “You know, this is what you did, and I think it’s wrong.” And you seem to agree, saying “Yes, you’re right, but...”, and this “but” actually completely crosses out the “yes”, discounting it. Excuses mean that I am right, excuses mean not admitting that you are wrong, making excuses means not taking responsibility for your life, making excuses is the same as saying that I am not to blame and there is nothing wrong in my behavior.

I can find hundreds of excuses for my wrong behavior, but this does not make life any better. I can criticize other people, giving convincing arguments in favor of their guilt, but this does not make life any better. With each excuse like this, life will get worse and worse, so I choose another one. life path, Living consciously means being able to admit when you are wrong.

“It is impossible to help someone who does not want to change their life” Hippocrates

How to stop making excuses - you need to understand and realize that excuses do not improve our lives in any way. Justifications do not in any way contribute to thinking and comprehending one’s behavior; they do not allow one to draw conclusions from incorrect behavior. Excuses provide not just freedom, but a loophole - so that you can do wrong. Excuses cling to a thin thread of truth, when the general truth, as a rule, looks otherwise. He has a resourceful mind, he is able to find everywhere something that he could grab onto in order to live comfortably, and find shortcomings there, in accordance with which it would be inconvenient to live.

For example, if a person is divorced, he says, “Many people are happier in their second marriage,” and if there are children in the family, then such a person can argue that there are families where the child was raised by two parents, and it is not clear who grew up, and there are cases , when one parent, and grew up to be a wonderful person. The same with smoking and alcohol - there you can find people who sometimes lived for a hundred years and did not die from these, but the fact that several thousand people die from this per day, many do not attach any importance, sincerely believing that this is not about them.

There is truth in this, of course, but in order to stop making excuses, in order to start living consciously, you need to understand and accept that there is only a grain of truth in this, and, as a rule, a much smaller fraction. And there are countless such cases where you can find an excuse. When people begin to go to extremes, they most often simply make excuses. Such a person, having heard an idea with which he does not agree, will try to interject reverse example, often exaggerated or simply presented in an extreme form, in order to cross out a thought that is not to their liking.

Or when a person has read an article or heard a person talk about how to live correctly, and inserts a comment like “Everyone has their own path” or “Each case is unique.” Often behind such words there are again justifications - the mind seems to whisper to the person “No, no, no, in our case everything is different, our case is an exception to the rule - quickly insert your word to calm down.” In this case, a person rejects the path that was described or told, but at the same time he often does not know his own path, he himself has not taken any path in life, or as they sometimes joke, “How did a person take the spiritual path, just stands there and doesn’t move.”

On the other hand, I think that while reading the article, someone already had “Yes, but” and attempts to go to some extreme, for example, why should I, after incorrect behavior, reproach myself by engaging in self-criticism. Extremes are always bad - after wrong actions, we should not blame ourselves and drive ourselves into a corner, engaging in self-torture, which will be written about later.

Honesty with yourself or how to live consciously

The philosophy “All the problems are outside, but everything is fine with me” does not bring positive results to our lives. Stop reassuring yourself with justifying speeches, stop criticizing only others, while continuing to consider yourself soft and fluffy. begin with sincerity and truthfulness towards oneself. When we are honest with ourselves, we soberly assess the situation, we see what we need to work on, what we need to change in our character and behavior. Just monitor the state when you begin to make excuses; it is with observation of ourselves that the change in our behavior begins.

“If you seek perfection, seek to change yourself, not others.” Unknown author

How to live consciously - you need to choose the golden mean. If a person makes excuses, it means that he does not admit that he was wrong, and such a person thinks that I don’t need to improve, everything is fine with me, I don’t have any problems - such a person is not progressing one bit. On the other hand, sometimes someone is really crushed by the burden of incorrect behavior, when he is highly concentrated on shortcomings, he is crushed by all the bad things that are in him. Such a person cannot take a single step, he is sometimes crushed so much - usually under the influence of his own criticism - that he does not even see a breakthrough. He does not know how to get out from under the rubble of his own wrong actions, not seeing where to move, in what direction.

Try not to overwhelm yourself with this pile. , failures, negative traits character and wrong behavior are not a garbage dump that should put pressure on you, roughly speaking, poking you at how bad and imperfect you are. Let this dump of your shortcomings be simply in your sight, as if under the windows - as a reminder that there is something to work on, but do not dive into this pile, do not plunge into a broken state. Acceptance of a situation is when we understand and accept that it was - it was, we did everything we could, unless of course you really made efforts to improve this or that situation, and did not just make excuses.

Every person in this life makes mistakes, everyone has some shortcomings., but this does not mean putting an end to your life. Divorced - it happens, draw at least some conclusions from what happened. Don't blame others, at least, look into yourself - and this will be a huge step. Repentance is admitting to yourself and seeing specific sins; just try not to repeat the same mistakes in life, learn a lesson from every situation - this is living consciously. Sometimes fate leads a person through life in such a way that he has no other choice (just don’t think that this is exactly your case), so it is very important to learn how to correctly relate to the events happening around you.

“The greatest glory is not in never failing, but in being able to rise every time you fall.” Confucius

To stop making excuses, you need to become honest with yourself - learn to admit your mistakes and wrong behavior, this is the beginning. Any person can make excuses - there is not an ounce of strength or self-control in this; to freak out and criticize others - you don’t need a lot of intelligence. Until you are honest with yourself, you will continue to live in the illusion created by your mind, and your life will never change for the better. The mind always makes excuses, the ego shows off, but the soul is humble. Before you judge others, first look inward, pay attention to yourself.

It is also necessary to receive feedback from other people regarding their behavior. Many think out, and sometimes openly decide for other people, what is more pleasant and useful for them, when these people themselves often dream and desire something completely different. You need to be attentive when listening to the needs of other people - try to understand and find out what this or that person really needs.

How to stop making excuses - when they say to you that you did wrong, try to hear the other person and listen to him, of course, without fanaticism - that is, you don’t need to constantly be in some kind of paranoid state, and look for your sins and work on their correction. To stop making excuses, you need to accept the fact that you can make mistakes and be mistaken. If two or three people say the same words to you, paying attention to your behavior, this is a reason to think about your behavior. And even more so, if everyone around says that the problem is with you, then the so-called Bob principle comes into play: “When Bob has problems with everyone, the main problem is usually Bob himself.”

But also remember that we should be moderately lenient, both to ourselves and to others. Is there any point in reproaching something that cannot be changed, but at the same time we should try our best to do the right thing. I am not inclined to live within the framework of some dogma, when a step to the left or a step to the right means execution. There are simply principles by which we should try to live; if we make mistakes, it is better to honestly admit them and, if possible, try to correct them, or at least draw the necessary conclusions that would help in the future. This means living consciously, and this is much better than living in deception, giving excuses for your behavior every time.