Why do I feel unwanted? Why don't I feel happy

Where to begin? I'm a guy, 23 years old. Born into a prosperous family. But from childhood everything went wrong. I am a very trusting and amorous person. Yes, say that at the age of 23 you have not seen life yet, you are still young, everything is still ahead. But this will not be entirely true. I have never been weak physically. But at school I always lost fights, probably because I was always attacked by 3-7 people. Every day, coming to school, I understood that now I would find myself on the floor again, that I would stand on my feet until the last moment, but this would not be enough, that no one around me would help. Students and teachers will simply watch, and the pleasure of seeing the beating will be read in their eyes. I didn’t understand why they were doing this to me, I’ve never been bad person, I didn’t do harm to people, I had a choice: “Mock others and they will leave you alone,” but I couldn’t do that. I gritted my teeth and survived, waking up every morning just wanting to live until the night and go to sleep. But school has passed, a lot has changed in me since then, but one thing has remained unchanged, I still consider myself a good person, but I don’t feel like I have a personality. All my life I've been like someone's tail, a shadow, faithful dog. Naturally, I had the first experience of communicating with girls, I fell in love, but they preferred some kind of reptiles to me, despite the fact that it was not I who considered them that way, but the girls themselves. But if so, then I mean worse... These thoughts haunt me. I tried to commit suicide twice.<Способы суицида - ред.мод.>One night, a girl I didn’t like but knew so well called me. She was trapped near an old abandoned building, her boyfriend and his drunken friends. The girl was not a freak, but a completely decent, intelligent young lady. There were 5 of them, I pounced on them and broke through to the doorway into that building, I don’t know what helped me stand, but I held on as best I could, falling to my knees from the blows I received, I got up and got up, realizing that if I didn’t get up, then they will take care of it. Later the police arrived. They beat me half to death. Returning from the hospital, I saw a most interesting picture. This girl is in the company of the same “guys” from whom I was a “shield” for her not so long ago. It was as if everything had collapsed for me, my entire worldview, faith, desire to live. I swallowed some pills, thinking that I would lay back, but never mind, I just slept for a couple of days... I good man, I repeat this to myself constantly, because, judging by people’s actions towards me, I am the lowest creature, not worthy not only of happiness, but simply of breathing... I got higher education, I work conscientiously. In order to somehow escape from reality, I forget myself in computer games . There I found my last and current love. And everything seemed so perfect, her worldview, her attitude to things, the situation in which we met. We are at a great distance from each other. But we fell so deeply into each other’s souls that we decided to meet, and we did. It was unforgettable, as if for the first time in many years I was where I was needed, where I felt good. We weren't together for long, but I felt a connection with this person, a kind of kinship. Even though she's only been with girls for the last few years. But it seemed to me that she felt it too. We went back home, it seemed to me that this was it, this was a ray of light. And she said things that really said she felt the same way. But upon returning home, her opinion about me seemed to have been changed, I was not good enough, not skillful enough, and so on. In the end, it was as if everything inside me had broken off again, everything was so good on you too. We decided that time will tell what we should do next. We are not a couple now, no obligations. But I’m like a fucking faithful dog, not a person, but a devoted little animal. I wait for her every call. We continue to communicate, but of course not as lovers. I'm trying to change, to become better. I am a good person, not a fashion model, but of normal appearance, without bad habits, I write poetry... But I still wear dark glasses so that people don’t see my eyes, their looks, it seems to me that they are all laughing at me. And now she went to a meeting with her ex, who needed her advice. They haven’t been together for a long time, but naturally I have only thoughts about what and how is happening there now. Yes, I understand that I was clearly given to understand that we are not a couple, and that it is not a fact that she will even give me a chance to prove to her that I am worthy of her. But I continue to sit and wait, like a faithful dog, for her to return. I don’t feel like a person, at some moments I turn on loud music in my headphones and walk the streets, thinking that I’ll learn to love myself and respect myself. BUT after a couple of minutes, remembering everything, it’s as if I’m being torn apart, and I can barely restrain myself from screaming and starting to hit the wall so that the physical pain drowns out the moral pain. I don't feel like a person, just a semblance. A pathetic semblance. To say that I don’t want to live, and the thought of suicide constantly gnaws at my mind - no. It’s more like a bolt from the blue, as long as everything is quiet, I’m fine. But as soon as something happens, it starts to weigh on me like today, with the realization that I can’t do anything, and I suddenly want to give up everything and go into the unknown. So far I have found the strength to restrain myself, but whether I will be able to find it next time, or after that, I don’t know. “I am a good person” is true, but then why is there so much misunderstanding in my life, so much betrayal, and pain that I, as a “good” person, simply do not deserve... Maybe this is what I need? Maybe I deserve such treatment, because I myself don’t feel like a person, a person...
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Responses:

Hello Dima. I was very touched by your confession. Very, very much" good people“They go through similar trials every day. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with God, but Jesus Christ experienced the same thing: He exposed Himself for our salvation, but no one appreciated it, they also presented Him as a charlatan and still present Him. You can read this in the Gospel (Bible). I want to ask you: despite all the eccentricities and ingratitude of others, remain yourself - there are not many brave guys left in the world who are ready to suffer for a just cause. I also want to advise you to be more careful in choosing a life partner . A girl who has not understood herself (as I understand it, she is gay) can hardly become someone’s true support and support. She has a mess in her soul and head. You have yours, she has hers. Can you imagine what kind of tasteless cocktail can be created from various problems? And the person with whom the relationship began on the Internet in almost all cases will turn out in practice to be completely different from what we thought about him and how we all imagined. Dima, you are great for working, studying, and growing in one word. You are a very attractive person. And that internal pressure and experience, which may be present in you unconsciously, and manifest itself at a moment of stress, may have arisen from an internal lack of love for yourself, for life, for your neighbors. Not emotional impressions, but love. Don’t be lazy, read the materials on the site, and also look through the site survive.ru, they helped me a lot in many ways. You need to move on, not give up, but go, just like in computer games, look for a ladder to a new level.

Katya, age: 28 / 09/23/2014

Dima, you just haven’t met a girl who would appreciate you yet. You are truly a good person. And you will definitely find your soul mate. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place.
Girls, unfortunately, often buy into external brightness and unusualness. Then they often suffer. Because people with defiant behavior are not always good at family life. But here everyone has to fill their own bumps, as they say. Look for a girl who is serious, good, and family relationships. There are a lot of them, really. Don’t be discouraged and don’t despair, everything will definitely be fine for you!

Olya, age: 42 / 09/23/2014

I just fell in love with her so much that I’m afraid if she says something like “I don’t want to be with you and give you a chance” or “I decided after all that I like girls more” or even “I found this or that with whom I will be happy" then this will be the penultimate nail in the lid of my coffin, because I believe in fate, and given all the circumstances of our meeting, I cannot believe that this is not our fate... I'm going crazy... While she talks to me - I feel good. But as soon as silence sets in, when I again understand that she may not need me at all, I just start crying... I only really cried 2 times in my life, when I buried my grandmother, and when my mother was undergoing surgery. It’s hard to make me cry from physical pain, but here, thinking that at any moment I can hear something like that, I want to hide in a corner and just cry, as if this will help something...

Dmitry, age: 23 / 09/23/2014

Hello, Dmitry!
You are a good person.

First, understand yourself: why is it so important for you that OTHER people think you are good? Why does your mood and mental balance depend so much on the attitude and opinions of OTHER people (particularly girls)?

Understand that main man in your life - it's YOU! And only YOU build your life, you control your emotions! How can you even think about suicide because of such nonsense reasons (the girl you defended is simply a provocateur, stupid and cold-blooded). No girl is worth having you kill yourself out of disappointment in her.

Secondly, do you have any hobbies, friends? You have to occupy yourselves free time self-development. Sign up for a gym, a section, and have fun and usefully.

Thirdly, you cannot earn love, care and good attitude towards yourself. If you are not appreciated, offended, or loved, just move forward without looking back at this person. This is not yours.
There are sooo many girls in the world. And believe me, for you, good, positive guys, there is such an unspoken struggle and competition among us.

The main thing, Dima, be self-sufficient, please. Occupy yourself, your time with what you love, get passionate about something. To self-confident, positive and good people Exactly the same positive friends, girlfriends, partners are reaching out.

Tanya, age: 22/23/09/2014

Sometimes a person may have the feeling that no one needs him. Moreover, some people actually live with this continuously, while others suffer from it only periodically. What is this feeling, why does it arise, how is it deciphered and can it be reduced?

What is this feeling?

First, you need to figure out what exactly a person feels when he believes that no one needs him? Uselessness is more likely not a feeling, but a concept, which, as a rule, includes anger (anger), fear, sadness. In general, this is a range of feelings aimed at suppressing oneself, one might say self-oppression.

It is obvious that the feeling of uselessness is associated with a lack of socialization and recognition from other people.

The feeling of uselessness primarily signals the need to be needed. But need is, perhaps, too broad a need, which, in turn, can be divided into components such as:

• Understanding
• Friendship
• Self-realization
• Involvement
• Justice
• Support
• Affiliation
• Love

The list is not exhaustive; however, a person can include both one and several needs in the concept of need.

The feeling of uselessness is more likely to be a signal for help. This is how a certain internal defense mechanism is triggered, informing us that we need to take some action to get the necessary reactions from those around us so that this self-destructive feeling goes away. Agree that being unnecessary to anyone is a bit of an exaggeration, if only because you cannot know this for sure. Not to mention that being unnecessary right now does not mean this in a minute, or yesterday.

Thus, we need to try to realize the need that lies behind the feeling of uselessness and then take certain actions to satisfy this need.

Why do we need unnecessaryness?

Feeling useless can be a clever way of self-deception, or manipulating oneself in order to do or not do something. There are several of them:

Uselessness - unworthiness

Uselessness is quite associated with unworthiness. Because to be unnecessary in society means to be rejected, worthy people are accepted by society and occupy a worthy position in it. In other words, feeling unworthy for anything, a person does not make attempts to move towards high goals, believing that they are not for him. He will not look for a better job because he believes that he is unworthy of it, he will endure his grumpy wife, believing that he is unworthy of more, being embarrassed to speak out, believing that his opinion is uninteresting, and, in general, living modestly, one might say, like a mouse, only sometimes poking its nose out of its hole. That is, uselessness as an excuse for inaction. That is, inaction is necessary for something and this is a separate layer of our psyche.

If you have told yourself “Nobody needs me,” then try to listen to the feelings that these words generate. Most likely, one of them is almost physical paralysis of the body and volitional functions, “give up”, “I don’t want and can’t do anything” - that’s something like that.

Getting attention

Imagine that you told one of your friends, maybe a relative, husband, wife, that you feel like this. What do you expect to hear in response? Obviously, words of consolation and refutation of your uselessness.

Thus, one of the possible ways to use the feeling of uselessness is to receive attention, care and support. And, through this, of course, increasing self-esteem.

Get what you want

By presenting himself as unnecessary, a person looks like a victim of unfair circumstances and caring people try to show attention to him, support him and, in general, get him out of this unproductive state. “Would you like me to bring you a donut?” This is already a definite result. Not very significant, really. But “Only a new computer can save me” – that’s more interesting. Or, for example, “Well, mom, of course, I’ll live with you” - this is completely interesting.

Alternatively, you do the same thing to yourself. That is, in a normal state you don’t allow yourself something, but recognizing yourself as unnecessary releases the brakes. For example, in order to support yourself, you buy something not very necessary, but extremely desirable, whereas in a normal state you would save money.

Uniqueness, significance

To be unnecessary to anyone - you have to try. This is a certain status, though in our own eyes. This may seem like an easy and attractive way for a person to make themselves more important than they currently are. Perhaps he feels unimportant, insignificant, but if you give this a certain status, then it becomes not humiliating, but a certain mark of distinction, partly fate and chosenness, which can be flaunted to some extent with the idea “But I don’t need anyone” - usually , in such cases, the fantasy of one’s own uselessness is transformed into it.

In what direction should we change?

In order to stop using the idea of ​​uselessness in your worldview, you need to understand that this feeling is a signal to try to figure out what exactly you are missing, what exactly you want, what your need or needs are.

Think about it carefully, it is likely that you can use unnecessaryness for different needs in different cases. That is, it would be correct to remember in what situations you did this.

Well, after you understand your needs, it makes sense to take care of satisfying these needs. For example, if you don't have any social life, then maybe you’ll understand what you like and start attending, say, art lectures, or go to a drawing club. It doesn't matter that you don't know how to do something. You can study. For friendship - look for friends, for love - look for love, for significance - do and improve what you do.

If you use feelings of worthlessness to get what you need (for inaction, for attention, uniqueness and other rewards), consider whether you are ready to receive it in this way, or if you want to change something. For each case, you can find dozens of different techniques, although working with a psychologist remains the best.

I am a practicing psychologist, I edit this blog and write a lot for it myself. It’s difficult to name my area of ​​interest in psychology - after all, everything connected with people is incredibly interesting! Now I pay considerable attention to the topics of narcissism, psychological abuse, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one’s life, increasing self-esteem, and existential problems.

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Psychologies:

Overstrain, fatigue, anxiety... Why can't we cope with the pace of life?

Olga Armasova:

Our “I” has three components: physical - body, mental - mind, emotional - feelings. Often modern man there is no connection between these links. We grow and develop in an environment where we are taught to identify ourselves with a goal-oriented mind. Holding a large number of tasks in our heads, often related to material, external values ​​- to earn money, to be successful, to do everything - we experience mental overload.

We simply don’t have enough resources, and we don’t know where to look for them or how to replenish our energy. As a result, the psyche cannot cope, the body signals problems, and there is no time left for inner life. And therefore we are in a state of internal disunity, disconnection. It’s not without reason that when we’re stressed, we feel like we’ve been torn to pieces. But we don’t think at all about how to become whole again.

Why, when we are very tired, do we want to sleep? This is a defense mechanism of our psyche, a signal that everything is enough, there is no more strength, we need to urgently recover. And if we do not hear these signals from the body and do not take action, then exhaustion begins. It is expressed in irritability, apathy, depression, migraines, insomnia. Sooner or later a breakdown will occur, which will have serious or even irreversible consequences.

Why, when we are very tired, do we want to sleep? This is a defense mechanism of our psyche, a signal that there is no more strength.

What does it mean to identify yourself with your mind?

A modern working woman is faced with the task of making a career, achieving success, and earning a lot. She must look good, and therefore take care of herself, since the compliance of her appearance with accepted standards affects her opportunities for self-realization. And if she has a family and children, she must take care of them and pay attention to them. All these tasks are lined up in a long queue in her head, require one hundred percent concentration and take up all her time.

If you try to turn it to the sensual side, ask her what she feels now, she will say: “I feel like I should do this and that,” or “I don’t feel anything.” She thinks she is experiencing emotions, but in reality she is remaining at the level of the mind.

In the same way, it is often difficult for her to connect with the bodily side, to determine where and what she feels in the body, since she perceives the body only as an outer shell. Meanwhile, the body serves as a tool with the help of which we live and accumulate in ourselves those emotions that were suppressed, repressed, and not realized, which is reflected in the physical state. So the “I” of a modern woman is mainly what is in her head.

But why do we lose touch with our feelings?

Parents, teachers, and society as a whole convey to children social norms according to which the expression of feelings is not encouraged: you cannot cry, scream, or laugh loudly. To fulfill the wishes of adults, we forbid ourselves to feel. We do not live, but repress emotions, “package” them and store them somewhere in the depths until a more serious stressful situation occurs. Or until resources are completely depleted, when suppressed emotions spill out and we express and live them in an acute form.

It is important for us what others think about us or what we think about ourselves, because often our strictest censor is ourselves. He constantly evaluates: here I can afford something, but here I can’t, I deserve this, but I don’t deserve this. We want to look good, to appear strong, and therefore we don’t show our true selves. emotional condition not to others, not even to yourself. And as a result, we become increasingly disconnected from our sensual side.

We want to appear strong and do not show our true emotional state to others or even ourselves.

How to avoid this?

Satisfy your most basic needs - safety, peace, quiet, sleep. An excellent practice, for example, is to set aside at least half an hour a day to be alone with yourself. You can get up early for this or, conversely, retire in the evening when the children are sleeping. Being with yourself does not mean sitting on the Internet or social networks. On the contrary, both gadgets and TV should be turned off and remained in silence. This is the time to look inside yourself, scan your condition. If you are alarmed or worried about something, listen to yourself, understand the situation and think about how to deal with it.

"What I feel?" is a question that will help you experience emotions in the present without repressing them, thereby giving yourself the opportunity to be yourself. If, for example, I am angry with a colleague, then when I come home from work, I can tell my loved ones that I am upset and want to be alone. Admit it to yourself: yes, I am angry. When I acknowledge my emotion and connect with it right now, it can move into something else. In any transformation, the first step is awareness, the second is acceptance. Accepting yourself and what happens around you is the key to inner harmony.

Acceptance of yourself and what happens around you is the key to inner harmony

How will this help us control ourselves and manage our lives?

We waste a lot of resources if we try to hold back our feelings, and this leads to tension. When we give ourselves the opportunity to live our feelings, we let go of this tension. These half an hour alone with ourselves are needed so that we move into the position of an observer and look from the outside at what is happening to us.

Of course, it is not enough to just be an observer and do nothing. But after this practice, we will no longer be so dependent on a stressful situation. After all, when we see what we have to do, we are not worried in the “now” moment. We can relax because we have clarity about where we are, how we feel, what we want and what we will do to realize our desires.

I can say from my own experience that such daily practice is a good prevention of stress, it makes it possible to maintain internal balance.

Lately, I’ve been thinking even more than before that I’m a completely insignificant person. I see that I am not bringing anything good into this world, on the contrary, I am lying to myself and the people around me. There is some kind of discord in my soul. There is no person with whom you can talk seriously. Whenever I raise a topic that is important to me, they don’t really want to listen to me: they laugh it off, change the topic. I have a boyfriend and a mother, but I have a feeling that they are dead, I don’t feel a person next to me when I talk to them.
I have no goal. I don't feel alive, real. I do everything automatically, and all attempts to figure it out lead to me becoming disgusted with myself. I don't like myself. Appearance, filling - everything is not me.
I just live in some kind of illusion, this is not life. I’ve been treating depression on wheels for several years now. It helps so-so: there are no serious problems, but it doesn’t really get any easier. It's annoying to be addicted to pills. I think he can find a psychologist, but I also think that they are all liars, extortionists. My health is also not so great, I’m constantly tired, I don’t sleep well, I want to cry every day.
What bothers me the most is my thoughts that I just want to stop everything. But I think about my mother and young man. How will they react? No, I need to continue, but sometimes I don’t see the point in continuing to live. It feels like my life once went downhill, nothing will ever be good.
I want to help everyone, but I can’t help myself. And I also notice lesbian tendencies in myself. It sounds like a bad joke, but it's time to admit that it is so. Sometimes I want to see a girl with me, it seems that this will make me alive, correct.
There are a lot of thoughts in my head and not a single idea on how to put an end to all this chaos.
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Olya, age: 20 / 04/15/2015

Responses:

Hi Olga! Or maybe these inclinations are due to the fact that you haven’t really figured out your relationship with the guy? Do you receive enough love, and do you give enough tenderness and love? If so, does your boyfriend accept your love? What is the purpose of your relationship? Are you going to start a family? Do you live in a “civil marriage”? In general, answering these questions to yourself should somehow solve the situation with unnecessary inclinations. Maybe it's just psychological protection from men, or maybe the reasons need to be sought in relationships with parents. In any case, it’s worth going to a psychologist, or better yet a psychotherapist, preferably even an Orthodox psychotherapist. And the rest... everything can be fixed... Do we need to deal with eternity, death? Think, ponder what is beyond the threshold of life, whether the soul dies. And in general, it would be nice to read spiritual literature, for example, Orthodox priests and understand the meaning of life. Improve your health, sign up for sports classes. Now there is an exacerbation after winter, the body is exhausted, help it. Eat better, walk more often and play sports, for example in the company of your boyfriend, study articles from this site about the meaning of life, treatment of depression. Good luck and all the best to you in life!!!

Divirgent, age: 21 / 04/15/2015

I once read that a person is considered experienced if he understands that just because everything was bad before does not mean that it will continue to be bad, and vice versa.
No matter how things turn out, don’t lose hope.
Try to find solutions to your problems and don't be discouraged if it doesn't work out right away. For example, I feel better than before.
Good luck!

Masha, age: 25 / 04/15/2015

Hello Olga! It seems to me that the problem is that there is no person who would be next to you, whom you would be willing to trust and whose opinion was important to you. The fact is that people who even have many friends or relatives are often lonely at heart. They lack spiritual communication and support, not because they have no friends, but because people are simply not ready (not willing) to listen to them. Previously, I also wondered how this could happen, but now I encounter it more and more often. There are many indifferent people who are ready to communicate not to support, but for some other purpose. Here too you write that your loved ones do not want to seriously listen to you. The problem is not with you personally, but with the fact that you have not yet met such people. Don't suffer because of this. Make new acquaintances, who (or what) is stopping you from doing this? There is no need to deceive yourself by pretending that everything is fine, but in your soul you are suffering. Search. This, it seems to me, explains your “inclinations.” If you have a truly attentive and faithful friend(s), this will be quite enough for you. It is also very good that you want to do good and help someone else. Try to find places where such selfless help will be needed. Help, you will begin to look at yourself with more respect. Even some small help, in small things, brings very great satisfaction. So give yourself this pleasure by helping others. There is charity, some funds or one-time events. You will be welcome there, and you will understand that you have the power and capabilities to do a lot. You’ll also meet new people. In general, take action. There is no need to keep such gloomy thoughts in your head. Life is short, but you can try to do a lot in it. Good luck to you!

Mikhail, age: 27 / 04/18/2015