Tom’s girlfriend sent me a question by email: “I am a terribly shy person, everyone tells me that my shyness really bothers me, and if it weren’t for it, I would be able to achieve much more in life. But I can’t understand – is shyness good or bad? On the one hand, I understand that because I’m shy, I simply don’t do many things, but on the other hand, I somehow don’t see this as a problem at all.

Is it really bad to be so modest, I’m still a girl :)? Please help me figure it out and tell me what to do with my shyness? How to stop being shy and being so shy?”

The questions are all interesting and important, but we will consider them in parts. In this article we will look at what Shyness is and do we need to do anything about it at all? And in the next article we will answer the question - how to stop being shy?

First, let's look at the definitions and try to call everything by its proper name.

What is Shyness?

Shyness– inability to clearly, definitely and openly express oneself and freely declare one’s interests. Most often this happens due to the complex “ little man”, when a person is haunted by an obsession that he creates inconvenience for others, that he has no right to talk about what interests him, that his words and, in general, his person are of no interest or need to anyone.

It will certainly help to understand the essence of shyness if you honestly take and select synonyms for shyness, answering direct questions.

What does it mean to be shy? To be shy means to be afraid, to be afraid of something. To be shy means not to do what you should do, out of fear, uncertainty, etc. Shy means insecure, cowardly, complex, closed.

By the way, we can say that Shyness is false modesty. True Modesty is the one that beautifies a person, which does not have a motive of cowardice and uncertainty, which is based on dignity.

But sometimes Shyness is quite decent, when it is based on the desire to comply with moral standards! That is, when a person is embarrassed because he cannot and does not want to do something shameful and undignified (undress in public, etc.). But such restraint within the framework of morality and ethics is better called not shyness, but decent behavior. That is, in this case, a person does not do something not because he is afraid to do it, but because he considers it unacceptable and humiliating for himself.

Main causes of Shyness:

1. Fear, that is, cowardice. that they won’t understand, refuse, judge, won’t support, etc. Fear is the worst advisor, and it needs to be removed and replaced with.

One of the fears that is often the cause of shyness is the fear of something new, when a person is shy about something, afraid to do something for the first time, because he has never done it before (not used to it, etc.).

What is Shyness replaced by?

Shyness - replaced by ! Confidence that you are a worthy and free person and have every right to many things in this life: to express your opinion, different from the opinions of others, to act at your own discretion, to openly and boldly defend what is dear to you, to express yourself the way your Soul wants (ideally), without holding back feelings, aspirations, etc.

And a person’s behavior and actions should be governed not by fears and shyness, but by moral principles, dignity and ethics of behavior, and conscious self-control.

Shyness and its impact on human life. The causes and main signs of this behavior. Current ways to combat shyness.

The content of the article:

Shyness is emotional condition which makes a person feel discomfort, lack of confidence in himself and his abilities. This feeling is inherent in everyone, but the degree of manifestation is different for everyone. Its formation is influenced by family upbringing and past experiences. Fear of everything new and unfamiliar makes a person withdraw into himself and can lead to mental disorders.

The impact of shyness on a person's life

In a person’s life, shyness can play both the role of a “highlight” and interfere with achieving one’s goals, it all depends on the degree of manifestation. When meeting someone and having their first conversation together, attention is always paid to manners, the ability to conduct a dialogue and openness to the interlocutor.

If a person is tactful, moderately embarrassed, and does not raise his voice, this indicates his good upbringing. But, if you always have a feeling of fear towards everything new, a fear of being in the center of attention and doing something wrong, you need to sound the alarm and look for all sorts of ways to overcome shyness before it’s too late.

A shy person is not always an eternally embarrassed and withdrawn person; he can play a role, wearing a quiet mask in public, and behave aggressively and hostilely with his family. This type of behavior is caused by the inability to express one's opinion in public or to act according to one's own desires, after which he finds relief in family quarrels, and the solution to this attitude lies deep in childhood upbringing. Even in infancy, you need to think about the consequences of parental influence.

Result of shyness:

• Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities. A person who has this quality loses the ability to independently manage his life, follows the lead of those around him, while having his own point of view, but ultimately abandoning it. Such people are unable to get a job (they are afraid of failing the interview and being ridiculed).
• Showing fear of authority and members of the opposite sex. In the presence of strangers, they feel discomfort and suppression, are afraid to take the initiative, do not say what they think, and live by the principle - it is better not to do anything, so as not to be scolded. Basically, such people are closed and practically do not communicate with representatives of other social groups (considering themselves unworthy of their attention). They prefer virtual communication and do not make new live acquaintances.
• Various phobias. Shy people cannot force themselves to behave adequately and think clearly, while being exposed to constant fears which subsequently lead to depression. A shy person in most cases lives his life alone or with his family, never deciding to find mutual language with society. Unwanted shyness can lead to global phobias, which in turn overshadow the taste for life with sheer fear of all living things.

The main causes of shyness

Many works by scientists and psychologists have been devoted to studying the origin of the so-called shy state in humans and the influence of this manifestation on life.

Opinions have agreed on the following reasons for shyness; let’s consider each of them:

1. Heredity. If someone in a married couple tends to show shyness, then this trait may be inherited by the child. genetic level.
2. The influence of education. A child subjected to constant prohibitions, reproaches and humiliation is at risk of becoming insecure with age.
3. Inability to make contact. This reason is due to the fact that basic communication skills have not been formed.
4. Low self-esteem. A person who is constantly criticized and condemned eventually loses faith in himself and his capabilities.
5. Social anxiety. People who are constantly afraid of being rejected, of falling flat on their face.
6. Bad experience. If a person has experienced in the past mental trauma, which shocked him, then isolation and fear of others may subsequently arise.
7. Created stereotypes. A child who is constantly praised is afraid of slipping up and, as a result, remains silent and does not express his point of view.

If in the first case attempts to correct the situation may lead to failure, then in the others it’s the opposite. Education should include both encouragement of the child and prohibitions; the combination will allow you to grow a person who is open to communication and at the same time knows the boundaries.

Important! Shyness is not a disease! An overly shy person does not see his own merits and, because of this, is subject to his own condemnation. But everything can be changed with a little effort.

The main signs of shyness in a person

Shy people are easy to recognize because they try to hide from view, thereby attracting attention to themselves. Everyone experiences varying degrees of manifestation of this behavior, ranging from mild embarrassment to depressive panic, and everything depends on the situation that causes this reaction.

The following forms of signs of shyness are distinguished:

• External signs: a person is not the first to start a conversation, looks away from the interlocutor, speaks quietly and hesitantly, answers briefly the questions put to him and does not support the dialogue with reciprocal stories or questions, looks for an excuse to hide from attention.
• Internal signs: such people know in advance that they are not interesting to others, they constantly feel looks of hostility on themselves, they mentally shame and condemn themselves, they are embarrassed in society and feel helpless and awkward.
• Physiological signs: sweating, tears, shaking hands, redness of the face, fragility in the body, chills in the stomach, rapid heartbeat.

Shy people are contradictory; in some situations they themselves give signals, showing that they want to make contact with the interlocutor, and then immediately push him away, for fear of doing or saying something wrong. A person with this quality constantly shames himself, takes criticism painfully and tries to hide from prying eyes.

Note! If a person is aggressive, this does not mean that he is self-confident and has high self-esteem. Take a closer look, maybe this is a mask behind which is hidden fear and self-contempt.

Features of getting rid of shyness

Overcoming shyness is a thorough and sophisticated work on yourself and your thoughts. Until a person is convinced on a subconscious level that he needs it, nothing will come of it. To overcome an unwanted disease, you need to mentally imagine yourself healthy; if you are completely satisfied with such an imaginary character, then you can realize it in life.

Psychologists have developed an up-to-date step-by-step methodology that will tell you in detail how to deal with shyness:

1. Appearance. If a person is shy and always feels a sense of fear, then the stereotype is triggered that he dresses in dark colors that are not conspicuous to those around him, is unkempt, does not take care of his appearance - after all, he is not interested in this, this is not the main thing in his life. By changing your wardrobe and style, it appears A New Look. By emphasizing your attractive areas of the body, changing your usual hairstyle, a feeling of sympathy for yourself arises, which in the future will push the feeling of dislike towards yourself into the background.
2. Getting rid of idols. Creating an ideal for himself, a person mentally compares it with himself, as a result of which he acquires self-doubt and, without noticing it, begins to reproach himself for the inconsistency. Convinced of the superiority of another person, there is a desire to completely imitate him, while hiding his own merits and acquiring many complexes. We must remember that there are no ideal people; everyone has both pros and cons. By getting rid of idols, a person throws out from his subconscious the formed complexes that suppressed his own ego.
3. Communication skills. By avoiding communication with others, a person protects himself from knowledge of the world, from friends and acquaintances. The inability to conduct a dialogue is to blame for the small lexicon, the inability to competently and accurately express the essence of a thought, the fear of saying something wrong and being ridiculed as a result. overcome this problem This can be done through reading and using various practical techniques that are aimed at developing the speech apparatus. For example, E. Lapteva “ Tutorial on speech development. 1000 Russian tongue twisters for speech development"; D. Carnegie “How to develop self-confidence and influence people when speaking in public” and many others.
4. Blanks. Shy people are afraid to find themselves in unfamiliar situations; to avoid awkward feelings, you need to rehearse your actions in advance. It is advisable to write down on paper some kind of preparation for a given situation and work out the sequence of your gestures, words, facial expressions in front of the mirror, which will help you gain experience, confidence in communicating with people, and subsequently protect you from incidents.
5. Getting rid of muscle tension. All people with shyness feel stiffness in their movements during communication; their fear tries to protect a person from negativity, hiding behind the so-called bodily shell. The clamp created by the body does not allow you to freely express your emotions, while feeling discomfort and muscle spasm. You can get rid of the shell with the help of breathing exercises, which will fill the body with energy, through massage, which will help relax tense muscles.

How to overcome shyness

Many people wonder how to get rid of shyness. First of all, you need to raise your self-esteem, start listening to yourself and relegating the opinions of strangers to the background.

How to get rid of shyness in children

Shyness can be temporary (appears only in childhood) or be a character trait. If shyness is observed at an early stage of development, you need to look for ways to overcome it at the very beginning. Unlike adults, children do not know how to put on masks and hide their feelings, so you can easily identify a shy child.

There are a variety of ways to deal with this characteristic of a child:

• It is necessary to reduce the list of prohibitions for him. If a child is forbidden to do everything, he may withdraw into himself, in fear of doing something wrong.
• Introducing children to the need to say hello to passers-by. This method will allow the baby to easily come into contact with people.
• Under no circumstances should you compare your child with someone else, as this can lead to the creation of an unwanted idol and a decrease in self-esteem.
• If your child has done something wrong, do not judge him in the presence of strangers, but talk to him in private, thereby protecting your child from fear of the public in the future.
• Parents should not make excessive demands on their child, because without calculating their capabilities, they can unknowingly cause harm.
• By allowing the child to make his own choices in a given situation, parents will allow him to gain a sense of importance and confidence.

If you follow these recommendations in practice, then gradually the child will believe in himself and in his strength. He will see that communicating and making friends with peers is not as scary as he previously thought.

How to overcome shyness for women

At the first meeting, shy women are attracted by their modesty and simplicity, and when there is no contact and fear begins to appear, this frightens and repels the interlocutor. Girls who have this character trait run the risk of remaining lonely and uninteresting. If you want to get rid of this negative manifestation, then don’t hesitate!

First of all, you need to make a list of positive qualities (if you can’t complete the task yourself, you can ask a friend or relative to do it). It is advisable to add to the list those qualities that you would like to have. Every morning and evening, peering into the mirror, you need to re-read what you wrote. This method will increase self-esteem and help you realize that not everything is as bad as it seemed.

Secondly, some women have shyness due to old-fashioned upbringing, but when you look around, you need to realize that everything flows and everything changes. Only those who keep up with the times will achieve success.

Thirdly, you need to learn to calmly accept your mistakes. There are no ideal people. Everyone makes mistakes, because only through their mistakes does a person gain experience in the future.

How to get rid of shyness for men

According to the famous psychologist Philip Zimbardo, shyness in men is much more common than in women, but it is hidden behind a mask of aggressiveness and hostility. The shyness of men is based on great demands placed on them; everyone sees before them protectors, breadwinners and sexual giants. The fear of not conforming to established stereotypes forms many fears in their minds.

How to overcome male shyness:

• Firstly, many men are shy about women. To overcome this fear, it is necessary to imagine a communication situation and rehearse it with the help of an inanimate object or toy.
• Secondly, you should develop your communication skills, this can be achieved by expanding your vocabulary and gradually using it in practice.
• Thirdly, in order to stop being afraid of a love relationship with a girl, you should first just make friends with her, and during communication the fear itself will dissipate.

How to overcome shyness - watch the video:

Every person who has convinced himself that he cannot cope with his fears risks living a dull, gloomy and uninteresting life, and whoever makes a little effort, works on himself and decides to forget what self-doubt is, will find friends and a good work team in return and a bright future.

To date excessive shyness observed in many people. Contrary to false theory, people are not born this way. , shyness complex- not genetics, but the influence of society. The acquisition of this trait is typical for children preschool age when they are receptive to the environment.

Causes of shyness

Since this is not genetics, we should find out where this comes from. All signs of timidity appear in childhood, when the child begins to walk and talk. Everything is fine among loved ones, but when new people appear in the company, the child hides behind his parents or close people.

The shyness complex is the result of relationships in the family. For example, when parents protect the child from troubles from birth, do not show them to friends, and do not allow them to communicate with peers.

Over time, shyness becomes a character trait of a person. It is not at all easy for such people in society; they are strangers at the celebration of life. It is difficult for them to make friends and be in large companies.

Some people make a huge mistake by calling a shy person an introvert. The latter is a person who does not strive for communication and does not need it, while a shy person needs communication, but is afraid of being unrecognized.

Excessive shyness occurs not only when parents love their child madly, but also in the opposite case. If parents do not perceive the child as an individual, then he develops a feeling of inferiority.

Another case is the uncertainty of the parents themselves. As they say, a mouse cannot raise an eagle. Children learn a lot from their environment, namely their parents. When parents themselves suffer from self-doubt, this becomes the norm for the child. Often children with limited communication in the family have a difficult time in a group, first in kindergarten and then at school. These establishments only strengthen their complexes.

A characteristic feature of overly shy people is that they do their job to the maximum, better than others, but their self-esteem does not rise. They become the first, but at the same time continue to be afraid.

What does shyness lead to?

If in childhood shyness strikes only one blow - lack of communication, then the further you go, the more serious the consequences become. When a person enters a university or is hired, he runs the risk of being in the reserve ranks, even with outstanding thoughts that others can appropriate for themselves. They say arrogance is the second happiness. Being shy, you can remain unnoticed and unrecognized all your life. Shy people often have to literally survive in a difficult world of competition.

Shy people avoid noisy companies; they rather choose quiet and modest places where they can remain unnoticed. You need to be careful with shy people, because they are very sensitive and can be hurt unnoticed.

Excessive shyness interferes not only with career achievements, but also in your personal life. Only in films does a tough macho man notice a modest and quiet girl. It is not difficult to guess that timid people have a narrow circle of friends, or even none at all.

Positive aspects of shyness

There is something good in all shortcomings, also with shyness, which can be deciphered as modesty, and it only decorates a person. Often it is shyness that helps a person maintain his point of view and character. It is the modest people, fearing being unrecognized, who carefully choose their social circle and adhere to the principle: it is better to be alone than with just anyone. Such people cannot, cannot be accused of obsessiveness and arrogance.

Fighting methods

But how to deal with this complex? It's not as easy as it seems, but don't give up. It is easier to fight the complex in the company of a loved one who can open the eyes of an excessively modest person to himself and understand that he is not so bad. In order to completely overcome the shyness complex, you need to start attending sports sections, various clubs, etc. From a physiological point of view, people with their heads held high and their shoulders back feel more confident than others, which means it is necessary to work on their posture.

To consolidate the “victory” effect, it is necessary to read psychological books that reveal various life situations and show that being different from everyone else, a black sheep, is quite possible and interesting.

P.S. In order to take specific practical steps, I recommend paying attention to the course on. In which, in 5 weeks, you will be able to bring your state to openness, greater confidence, and among people you will feel comfortable and at ease. And you will even begin to enjoy communication.
The course is based on thousands of hours of my practice working with clients, and is based on real human mental processes. I recommend making time for this course!

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I have always felt that the habit of being shy limits me greatly. I don't like myself when I'm shy. After each embarrassment, my confidence crumbled and melted like April snow. And how can I stop being shy?

And then I learned that embarrassment is a way by which I shift responsibility for my life, for my successful development, from myself to some norms, decency, morals and beliefs that other people have come up with. Someone came up with decency and norms that limit me and do not allow me to live the life of my dreams, but I am happy to be shy and be content with little.

I noticed that mostly people are preoccupied with their own problems, and no one cares about my personal experiences, my shortcomings and embarrassment about this. And if so, then it is simply stupid and unreasonable to forbid yourself to live a full and rich life.

Watch a short video where I show an experiment that proves this:

And then I decided to get rid of the habit of being shy forever. Several techniques or methods that can help you too helped me stop being shy. Here they are.

1. How to stop being shy through interest in people

When surrounded by people, instead of thinking about how I look and how others evaluate me, I pay more attention to the people around me, to what and how they say. I'm listening carefully. I show my sincere participation. And my attention moves away from my clumsiness and awkwardness towards the merits of other people. And, of course, people feel and appreciate it.

2. How to stop being shy through focus on action

When I am completely absorbed in the process, when I am focused on the work that I am currently doing, then I forget about my shortcomings and what people might think about me. If I completely transfer my attention from myself to the matter that I am doing at the moment, then I simply do not have the opportunity to think about something else, for example, that I will make some kind of wrong impression on others.

On this topic, I liked Andrey Vydryk’s video about the path between the pits. When he rides a bicycle, he does not pay attention to ditches and stones, but is completely focused on the narrow strip of road along which he needs to ride. And he drives along it. And the pits are left behind.

A simple exercise to improve concentration is counting steps. I developed the habit of counting my steps. I count my steps when I leave the house, walk from the car to the office, or just walk the dog. Sometimes some crazy thought distracts me, I get lost and start over. And thus my attention is always sharpened, like a surgeon’s scalpel.

3. How to stop being shy about openness and transparency

I feel embarrassed when I hide something, when I hide something from people around me. As soon as I start talking about it myself, I immediately stop being ashamed of it. Moreover, you can start not with a live conversation, but with writing about it in personal diary. Then write about it on your blog. Then say about it on a social network. And by this moment it’s not at all scary or ashamed to talk about it everywhere.

4. How to stop being shy through p gaining self-esteem

The more I value myself, the less reason to be embarrassed. A simple way to constantly increase self-esteem is to say to yourself the phrase “I like myself.” Jack Canfield told me about this method in one of his books. As soon as I start repeating the phrase “I like myself,” my shoulders straighten, the top of my head stretches up, my smile lifts my cheeks! And in this state I can talk to anyone and about anything.

5. How to stop being shy with list of your successes

A great exercise for overcoming shyness is to make a list of 100 of your successes. I first did this exercise at Nikolai Latansky’s “Breakthrough to Success” training. Everyone has hundreds of successes, starting from the first “A” in school and right up to the ability to use the Internet and find the necessary knowledge there. Indeed, how much has already been done in life, how many results have been achieved... Such a list is useful to carry with you (I have it on my iPhone) and re-read in moments of doubt or uncertainty.

6. How to stop being shy gasping

When I start to worry or worry, I imagine that I am breathing through my eyes. I inhale through my eyes, then exhale through my eyes. I learned this from Zhenya Malinovsky, my yoga instructor. As soon as I relax my eyes and face, the whole body automatically relaxes, tension, excitement and anxiety go away. And as a result, it helps to stop being shy.

7. How to stop being shy through visualization

From time immemorial, visualization has been used by sorcerers and wizards. When I'm scared or embarrassed to do something or ask something, I imagine in my imagination how I do it, how I ask it. I imagine how well everything works out for me, how I smile and rejoice at the desired result. This approach increases confidence, makes you feel powerful, and really works.

8. How to stop being shy action

As you know, the best way to overcome fear is to meet it halfway. It's the same here. I stop being shy as soon as I start acting. Inna Dekhant recently wrote excellently about this, calling it the 20 Seconds of Courage Principle. As soon as the desire arises to do something, say something or ask something, you need to do it immediately, within 20 seconds. Straightaway. Without analysis and plan. And then shyness is simply left behind.

9. How to stop being shy through going beyond the usual

I am a believer in habits and I know that the path to success is getting rid of inhibitory habits and acquiring promotional habits. But there is one habit that contradicts the very essence of habits - the habit of going beyond the usual. Sorry for the pun)))

The more often I do something unusual, the less fear and embarrassment remains!

And I want to end with a quote from my favorite classic Leo Tolstoy:

“Just tell yourself: in everything that happens, it is God’s will, and God’s will is always good. And you will not be ashamed of anything and your life will always be good.”

Please click "Like" or write in the comments what new things you learned about how to stop being shy.

Hi all. This post is dedicated to how to stop being shy and timid in a variety of situations. In this article I will explain why you should not be shy and give a number of practical recommendations regarding how to get rid of this personality trait.

Almost from early childhood, until recently, I was very shy and because of this I experienced many difficulties in interacting with other people and it was difficult for me to achieve many goals.

At the moment, I have achieved good results in the fight against my deficiency and am happy to reap the benefits of getting rid of it.

Why you need to get rid of shyness

The fact is that shyness is a very unpleasant and, moreover, completely unnecessary quality, which should definitely be gotten rid of. It is unnecessary because, absolutely, it doesn’t give us anything, but only takes away. Let’s take, for example, some other human quality, let it be fear of something, fear. On the one hand, because of fear, we risk losing many opportunities, since we will never decide on anything important because of our eternal fear. On the other hand, fear protects us from unnecessary risks: we are afraid dangerous situations and therefore we avoid them unless we consider the risk justified. Fear has both a negative function and a positive, protective one, I wrote about this in the article.

The same cannot be said about shyness. If we follow this feeling, then we are simply deliberately depriving ourselves of many valuable prospects. We are afraid to approach the person we like and get to know each other. We do not start an unpleasant but important conversation with our friend and, thereby, delay the solution to the problem and aggravate the situation. We are afraid to approach our bosses and demand a reasonable salary increase.

In general, we are simply giving up something: pleasant acquaintances, promising opportunities, achieving our goals and realizing our desires! And for what? For the sake of some feeling that sits inside us. What do we get in return? Absolutely nothing.

Shyness does not protect us from anything bad, it does not help us in any way. It only limits our capabilities and cultivates other harmful personal characteristics: self-doubt, weakness of character, susceptibility to the influence of others. Timid people are easy to manipulate because they are afraid to firmly stand up for their positions, to defend own opinion and, in the face of a stronger personality, they become timid, allowing the latter to impose its will on them.

Shyness has a negative effect on others

Your shyness causes both instinctive and conscious rejection in others. Moreover, it may seem to you that you are very sensitive, polite and tactful, you never allow yourself anything unnecessary and do not bother other people over trifles and, thereby, produce the most positive effect on them.

Although, in fact, it turns out that you create exactly the opposite impression. Excessive timidity and shyness are a demonstration of some kind of weakness and, as a result, do not bribe other people. At best, you will simply form a not the best opinion about yourself. At worst, someone will take advantage of your shyness or simply treat you in a less polite manner, since you have already shown that you can tolerate such treatment.

Ingratiating politeness, cautious tact, excessive softness in communication, ignoring inconvenient but the right topics in conversation they do not talk about you as an independent person.
For example, girls and women give their preference to those representatives of the opposite sex who show the greatest persistence and even a little arrogance in dealing with them.

Therefore, blushing in front of a girl is not only wrong, from the point of view that embarrassment does not allow you to control yourself, and you can blurt out something unnecessary, but also strategically unacceptable from the perspective of achieving the desired result!

And this is true not only for dating members of the opposite sex, but also for communicating with all people! You should not elevate your shortcomings to advantages. Shyness is a bad quality, it hinders you and creates many problems on your way. How to get rid of it will be discussed further.

Getting rid of shyness

What is shyness? This is an unpleasant feeling that arises in you during what you consider awkward situations. And, in order not to experience this feeling, you may want to avoid those situations that cause it. For example, you always put off an important conversation with a relative, you can’t decide to approach the girl you like, you’re afraid to ask some uncomfortable questions, the answers to which you’d still like to hear.

And all this happens because you do not want to experience the emotional discomfort that, inside your mind, is strongly associated with such moments. That is, shyness is an internal phenomenon, not an external one. Although not everyone fully understands this and unconsciously connects their reluctance to create uncomfortable situations with some external circumstances: what others will think about them, how acceptable this is in society, how they will look, etc.

Thinking like this is a big mistake, and it is because of it that you may experience great difficulties. I'll explain now. First of all, in order to stop being shy, you need to strive not to completely get rid of such a feeling as timidity, but to learn to tolerate it and act in spite of it.

Shyness is just a feeling

And for this to work, you need to learn to recognize shyness solely as a phenomenon of the emotional world, your body’s reaction to an external situation, an ordinary feeling of mental discomfort that will pass just as it began.

Before you get an injection against any infection, you understand that it needs to be done. You do not run or hide from the doctor just because you have to be patient a little, since it concerns your health. In short, the expectation of unpleasant sensations does not force you not to do what you absolutely need to do. Then why can shyness make you timid and cower in the face of an uncomfortable situation? After all, the feelings of awkwardness and shame that are so familiar to you are just some kind of sensation of discomfort, the same light and quick pain, only mental, which you must learn to endure if you want to achieve your goal.

It can be difficult for you to deal with shyness, because you think about it not as a feeling that you will experience in an unpleasant situation, but as a chain of some external phenomena: what if I seem funny, what I will look like, but is it really so? possible, etc.

These external events turn into obstacles for you to achieve your goals. And in order to mentally remove these obstacles, it is necessary to mentally reduce all the awkwardness of the situation to a banal emotional reaction to some event!

How to stop being shy about girls or guys

As an example, I will take a situation in which a lot of people might feel awkward. Do you want to meet a girl or guy, but are embarrassed to come up and talk. If you start to doubt, “what if she/he doesn’t like me”, “what if I look stupid”, “what if...”, “what if...”, then you will never approach and miss your chance.

The right attitude should be: “I will approach her/him because I want it, and no matter how insignificant the chances of success may be, the attempt is still not torture, and I have absolutely nothing to lose, I just might experience a feeling of awkwardness in this situation, which is nothing more than an unpleasant emotion, but for the sake of the likelihood of achieving the result I need, I am ready to tolerate this feeling a little.”

Add to this: “I shouldn’t be shy, it scares people away and reduces my chances of success.”

If your mind continues to doubt, continue to reduce everything only to your sensations, and not to the properties of the external world:

“I will look stupid in someone’s eyes...” replace with “I will have the feeling that I look stupid, which is just an unpleasant feeling that will pass just as it appeared.”

“They will laugh at me” replace with “Even if suddenly someone finds something funny in my attempts to get acquainted (why at all?), so what, I will be unpleasant because of this, but it’s worth tolerating this slight mental discomfort for the sake of what I want to achieve.”

Shyness is deception

Do you know what important metamorphosis took place here? You have reduced all the variety of supposedly unsolvable problems that your mind draws to you (the likelihood of looking stupid, unfavorable views of others, the imaginary groundlessness of your claims to someone’s attention, etc.) to one problem that can be solved simply by ignoring it!

This makes it much easier to decide on something! Moreover, I did not propose here some clever method that is designed to trick your brain and force you to do something that you do not want to do. It is obvious that timidity, shyness, in its essence, is nothing more than a fear of unpleasant emotional sensations, disguised by the mind as a fear of something external, objective.

Rather, you are deceiving yourself when you build some inflated barriers on the basis of this feeling, not wanting to see it as simply reckless fear. In short, you do not act wisely and correctly when you follow the lead of your timidity (after all, you are in absolutely no danger in these awkward situations!) and, in order to calm yourself down and lull the vigilance of your mind, you instinctively come up with a bunch of excuses for your indecisiveness. This is deception!

And to get rid of it, you must perceive shyness for what it really is - an unpleasant emotional reaction to external circumstances and that's it! Always think of it this way. I must say that in this way you can learn to manage many negative feelings, and not just shyness. And I already wrote about this in my article, here I dwelled on this again, in more detail.

Before you get rid of a feeling, you need to learn to tolerate it. And when you are able to tolerate some emotion, act contrary to it, not pay attention to it, this emotion will manifest itself weaker and weaker with each new situation in which it arises, since you will not give way to this feeling.

If you have always been shy before, and now you decide to use the recommendation I gave above, then, at first, in awkward situations you may feel difficulty and great internal resistance.

But if you, when everything is turning upside down inside you, still act despite your shyness and get acquainted, start a conversation, then two very pleasant feelings are born in you. The first is relief, the second is the consciousness of power over yourself, the understanding that you were able and did what you wanted to do in spite of everything! It was as if they had accomplished a feat.

And all this happens at one moment: you just have to start, and then everything goes like clockwork. You just need to cross that control line at the beginning of an awkward conversation, a moment of pain and relief! Really a “prick”! And then you realize that this unpleasant moment was just a moment, and everything turned out to be not as terrible as you imagined at the beginning and was really worth all the effort!

If you were able to endure this short-term “pain”, “prick”, then next time it will be much easier, because tolerating any pain increases the pain threshold. And with each repetition of this situation, it will be easier for you not to follow this feeling, until you stop feeling anything unpleasant at all.

Those awkward events that could have previously caused a storm of unpleasant emotions in you will, over time, be perceived by you calmly, and you will not even need to make an effort to somehow properly set yourself up and prepare yourself.

If you stop obeying your shyness, then later you will not have any problems having a serious conversation with a loved one or asking something from a stranger, just as now I don’t have such problems.

So learn from mistakes and don't give up.

Get rid of unnecessary thoughts, tune in to your goal

Often, in situations where we just need to take it and do it, our thoughts are our enemies. Therefore, if you feel shy before any important conversation, focus on your goal and get rid of everything unnecessary from your head. Together with the previous recommendation, this helps a lot in awkward situations.

For example, you want to ask your boss for a salary increase. Thousands of vile thoughts can creep into your head, all the notorious “what if...”. But we already know that all these “what if...” are irrational creations of the emotional world that pretend to be something reasonable and fundamental, these are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” that live inside your psyche.

With this consciousness, of course, it is easier, but all sorts of unnecessary thoughts can continue to overcome you. Get them out of your head and think about your goal. “I need to get a salary increase, I’m sure there are chances, I don’t care about the rest.” And without thinking about anything other than this, boldly enter the boss’s office. Just clear your brain. This helps a lot.

Avoid excessive politeness and introductory phrases, be confident in yourself

In conversations there is no need to be more polite than the situation requires. Avoid any phrases overloaded with unnecessary politeness phrases, like “excuse me, please, but could you, if it wouldn’t be particularly difficult for you to answer the question.”

You should not think that people are doing you some great favor by answering your question or satisfying your request. Often they are just doing their job (“Could you please, be so kind, do your job” – you must admit, it sounds funny), and often it simply costs them nothing. Be polite, but in moderation; excessive tact does not indicate good upbringing, but a lack of self-confidence, which can only push people away.

You seem to be telling everyone “I’m meek and don’t know how to fight back and demand what I really deserve.” Rest assured, some people will definitely take advantage of this.

The same applies to introductory phrases: “But I have one question here, I don’t even know how to start, it’s just that the matter is so inconvenient, the situation is that...”.

There is no need to overdo it with introductory phrases. Always get to the point quickly, but not too abruptly. To do this, prepare in advance for an important conversation so that you know what to say and not mumble.

Be confident in yourself or, at least, portray this confidence, do not give others a reason to think that you doubt yourself. In all uncomfortable situations, act in the opposite way of the behavior that sets shyness: meek and uncertain. This does not mean that you need to be impudent and rude.

Final comments

If, suddenly, everything didn’t go as you expected. Maybe during some meeting you were not as confident in yourself as you wanted, you said something wrong and now you are ashamed. Don’t bother yourself with this, just tell yourself that you will continue to work on yourself and learn not to be led by the emotions that arise in you in all sorts of difficult situations.

There is no need to be ashamed and lamented, remember, shame is just an unpleasant emotion that needs to be endured, and this is an internal phenomenon, not an external one, and, therefore, it must be perceived accordingly.
So everything that I said earlier is also true here: get all the unpleasant moments of communication out of your head, don’t think about them. What happened, happened.

When you learn to act against your shyness, you take a decisive step toward understanding the nature of your emotions and managing them. Your character and personality will also develop, since you will have to overcome yourself, not paying attention to what is happening inside.

I want to say that the way to get rid of shyness and timidity is an effective exercise for self-development that will help you get rid of not only the above-mentioned shortcomings, but will also allow you to strengthen and develop many useful life skills! By starting with something seemingly small, you will achieve a lot.

Once you start working on yourself and make the first successes in this matter, new horizons of self-improvement immediately open up for you, which you had never even imagined before. I hope that, with or without my help, this truth will be revealed to many of my readers, if it has not already been revealed.

Read my blog and good luck!