Leonardo da Vinci

Perhaps we all have to deal with grievances in our lives from time to time. Situations when we are offended by someone, or when someone is offended by us, are almost inevitable. This is understandable, our behavior does not always suit other people, and their behavior does not always suit us, and there are many reasons for this. The main reason is our egoism, which forces us to think first of all about ourselves, while other people want us to think about them, or even about them. And we also want other people not to forget about us and to take into account our interests and desires when making certain decisions. But when our expectations for other people are not met, we become offended by them. Touchiness is not the most attractive character trait in a person and many people disapprove of it. However, it is inherent in most people, or rather, in everyone, so we inevitably have to deal with it. In this article, dear readers, I will tell you about why people are offended by each other, how to behave with offended people, and what we should do with our own resentment so that it does not prevent us from achieving our goals and enjoying life.

You know, I have always believed and still believe that being offended is the lot of the weak. I know that many of us are offended by someone from time to time, and I, too, sometimes get offended, including myself. We tend to be offended, so this is a normal reaction and there is no need to be ashamed of it. But you and I must understand that this is not the best model of behavior - not the most effective, not the most effective, not the most adequate and not the most beautiful. Therefore, it is better to replace it with another model, a more advanced and, let’s say, mature model of behavior. Below I will tell you about what you can do to give up touchiness and how to do it.

Why do we get offended

To answer the question of why we are offended, we need to pay attention to how we are offended - do we take offense within ourselves in order to feel sorry for ourselves and justify our failures, or do we demonstrate to other people our resentment, our dissatisfaction, our offended by their actions in order to achieve from them a certain reaction that we need. Moreover, one thing is often combined with the other. After all, we all want something from someone, but we don’t always get what we want. What is not a reason to be offended and show other people that they are wrong, and at the same time justify yourself in your own eyes - shifting all responsibility for your failures to other people. For some of us, resentment is a real salvation from internal discomfort. So there will always be a reason to be offended, but being offended is not always appropriate, and often even harmful, so it all depends on how a person is used to reacting to what does not suit him in the behavior of other people. It happens that other people do not live up to our expectations and hopes, so we are disappointed in them - we are dissatisfied with them, we are dissatisfied with their behavior and even with ourselves for trusting these people. We feel offended, we feel betrayed. This happens often. But we can carry our resentment within ourselves, that is, we can be offended unnoticed, or we can be offended so that everyone can see it, and we do this mainly when our resentment allows us to manipulate other people. So, on the one hand, we are looking for a reason to feel sorry for ourselves and justify ourselves, and on the other hand, we want to achieve something from other people through resentment.

All this comes from childhood, when the ability to be offended by adults, mainly by their parents, allows the child to achieve certain concessions on their part. With the help of resentment, children attract the attention of adults, clearly demonstrating to them their weakness and pressing on their feelings of guilt. This is real manipulation, because when we demonstrate our touchiness to others, we try to manipulate them, we try to influence their feelings of guilt in this way in order to induce them to take the actions we need. This is why and why we are offended. Resentment can be spontaneous, when we simply don’t know how else to react to the disappointment that we have experienced because of other people, or it can be purposeful, when we want to influence someone. Why are you offended [if you are offended], dear readers? Think about it. Your resentment may not be doing you any good, regardless of whether you are resentful because it is to pity and justify yourself, or to influence other people, or both. Let's look at what else makes people touchy.

Upbringing. Despite the fact that unfavorable hormonal levels can also affect a person’s touchiness, upbringing still plays a more significant role in this matter. Well, correctly, and even let’s say, a reasonably educated person will not be offended, or in any case, he will not show his offense to anyone. Why, why should we be offended when there are plenty of other ways to survive any failures and disappointments, and to influence other people? A person who is offended demonstrates weakness, people do not respect offended people because they despise weakness because it is not viable. It is much more profitable to act from a position of strength or to interest other people in order to achieve the desired behavior and desired actions from them. Think for yourself - what do we show to other people when we are offended by them and show them our resentment? What they did was wrong—wrong for us, but at the same time, quite possibly, right for themselves? We also show them that we are unhappy with them, that we are not satisfied with their behavior, that we want an apology, for something to be done for us, and so on and so forth. In other words, we want something from people with whom we are demonstratively offended, and at the same time, we see no other way to get what we need from them. What it is? This is weakness. We demonstrate to people our inability to influence them in other ways, we admit our own helplessness. Will this help us solve our problems and tasks, help us strengthen our position in society, in the team, in relationships with the opposite sex? No, it won't help. In rare cases, people can be manipulated by influencing their feelings of pity, guilt, and their desire to be good and correct for everyone, including us. But still, in many cases, touchiness has an extremely limited range of possibilities. In general, we can be offended by selfish people as much as we want - they still won’t change anything in their behavior. But the problem is that if a person is used to being offended, is used to seeking concessions from other people in this way, because he was raised that way, one might even say that he was spoiled, it is difficult for him to give up this behavior, even if his grievances do not work. Or if a person is so morally weak that he is unable to adhere to a different model of behavior with people, then for him grievances are the only salvation. But all these problems can be solved.

Passing the buck. The desire to shift responsibility to others also often prompts many people to be offended by everyone who did not help them in some way. Although, why on earth should someone help someone, especially just like that, is unclear. But for some touchy people this is not so important. The main thing for them is that they are not to blame for anything, other, bad, wrong people are to blame for everything. It is they, other people, who are to blame for not meeting the expectations of the offended person, and not he is to blame for placing these expectations on them. Or other people may be guilty of not paying the person the attention he needs and doing little for him, while he didn’t really try to interest them in himself, so that it would be beneficial for them to pay their attention to him. In general, the point is that being offended by other people means seeing them as the problem, not yourself. But what's the point? How many people want to change for someone? How many people want to change, at least for their own sake? So what's the point of being offended by them, what's the point of shifting responsibility to them for how they behave with us? Well, perhaps only for internal peace, for internal comfort, there is no need for anything else.

Manipulation. The desire to manipulate people, including through touchiness, is an innate human desire. You can manipulate people with the help of resentment both consciously and unconsciously. This is done unknowingly mainly by children who simply adhere to the model of behavior that allows them to achieve the desired attitude from adults. And if adults react to a child’s grievances in the way he needs, he will continue to be offended by them in the future. We've all been through this, most of us. But some people, it must be said, have consciously taken touchiness into their arsenal and, with its help, manipulate everyone they can, everyone who allows themselves to be manipulated in this way. And those who see touchy people as poorly educated people and the most common manipulators are not mistaken in most cases. True, sometimes such manipulation looks rather naive, because, as I said above, not many people react to the grievances of other people in the way they, the manipulators, need. And this is correct, since any manipulation is not a way to find mutual language with a person in order to get something from him, but at the same time to give him something, but a way to achieve what he wants, without taking into account the interests of this person, without taking into account the interests and desires of other people. This is forgivable for children; they get along with adults as best they can. But for an adult to be offended by people in order to manipulate them, at least it’s not becoming. And as a maximum, I think this needs to be punished, either through counter-manipulation, or by ignoring such people. This is about the question of how to behave with touchy people. Sometimes, of course, you can listen to them and understand them if they are offended not for the purpose of extracting unilateral benefits, but because of their weakness. But still, an offended person must be rid of this bad habit - the habit of being offended.

I would also like to note that children’s touchiness is a natural age stage. Children are forced to act from a position of weakness, putting pressure on the pity and guilt of adults; for them this is one of the few opportunities to achieve the attention they need to themselves and certain concessions. Adults are a different matter; for them, touchiness is more of a disadvantage than an advantage. It’s unpleasant to see how an adult, instead of agreeing on something with other people, prefers to be offended by them and expects that they will make concessions to him. This is ugly and in some cases naive. At the same time, touchiness can be pathological, when a person not only does not know how to react differently to other people if their behavior does not suit him, but even looks for reasons to be offended, in order to make himself a victim, to cry, to show how life is unfair to him and how bad other people who have offended him can be. There is also normal touchiness, when a person is so disappointed with other people that he simply cannot resist expressing his disappointment with them through offense. In this case, such a reaction is an exception for a person and therefore he is offended very rarely, in exceptional cases when his emotions are so strong that it is difficult for him to control them. We have all been so offended at least once in our lives, because sometimes, indeed, some people amaze us with their dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty. And when you are hurt, when you are not cared for, when you have been betrayed, you don’t really think about what your behavior looks like from the outside. Well, non-offensive people are an example for all of us to follow. Those who never take offense get the decisions, actions, and behavior they need from people in other ways, including through the ability to negotiate, interest, and persuade. As a rule, it is very pleasant to deal with such people - after all, they are quite objective in assessing their own and other people’s interests and try to think not only about themselves, but also about other people when they are asked for something. It's a pity that there aren't many such people in our lives.

Be that as it may, sometimes, I believe, you can allow yourself to be offended, especially in those cases when you were deceived, betrayed, let down by a person dear to you, whom you trusted one hundred percent. Still, a treacherous act on the part of someone close and dear to you, and especially a loved one, is a very strong blow, after which it is difficult to control your emotions. But you shouldn’t focus your attention on the offense. It must be experienced and conclusions drawn from the incident that caused it. People hurt us for a reason, but so that we perceive them adequately and do not trust them too much.

But it would be simply wonderful not to be offended at all. People who never take offense at anyone exist, but, as I already said, they are few. Usually these are self-confident people with maturity of mind and good mental health. In addition, such people understand well how to behave in our society in order to obtain from other people the necessary actions, decisions, actions, and the right attitude towards themselves. No one is going to meet us halfway just because we want it, and no matter how much you take offense at people, most of them will think first of all about themselves and their desires, goals, dreams. But our desires and dreams are our worries. Therefore, it is better to adhere to a more effective and efficient model of behavior when communicating with other people. And even if you are rightfully offended by them, try not to show them your offense unless you are sure that they will react to it in the way you want. There is no need to show people your weakness and dependence on them - as a rule, this does not make them kinder and more sympathetic.

How to stop being offended

To stop being offended, you must first find out what result you want to achieve with your offensive behavior? You need to ask yourself this question if you are offended by people demonstratively, if you show them your offense and expect a certain reaction from them. Somewhere in the depths of your soul, you clearly hope that people will make concessions to you, reacting to your resentment towards them, and do something for you that you want them to do. Perhaps you simply expect that they will apologize to you, if there is anything, or perhaps you expect that people will try to atone for their guilt to you for offending you. Surely in childhood, your grievances brought you certain positive results when adults, for example, your parents, made concessions to you. And now you expect that this model of behavior will work in adulthood and you will be able to use your grievances to achieve the same concessions as in childhood.

So think about the outcome you are hoping for. And when you understand what you want, when you realize your calculations in relation to other people, think about other ways to influence them. Well, what kind of ways these could be - it could be the pressure that you can put on others when you have a clearly winning position on a particular issue. These can be the methods I have already mentioned - to interest, attract, bribe this or that person with something so that he does something that you need, being motivated by his desires, and not by a feeling of guilt in front of you. In other words, strive for what you need, not through touchiness, but through other methods of influencing people. You will see for yourself how many of them are more effective and practical.

And do not allow those who are offended by you to make you feel guilty towards them and feel pity for them. If you know that you are right, do not make excuses to anyone, do not look for an opportunity to atone for your guilt if there is none. Behind any feeling of resentment there is always some kind of human desire - the desire of the offended person, which he hopes to realize in this way. If you are this person, then you don’t need to touch the desire itself - you need to find another way to realize it. And there are many such ways. Touchiness, as I said, is not the best way to influence other people. And if someone is trying to realize their desire at your expense, demonstratively taking offense at you and expecting certain concessions on your part, do not react, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Teach other people to interact with you on normal, mutually beneficial terms, teach them to respect you, and at the same time themselves. Do not feel sorry for those who use pity as a tool of influence; such people do not deserve pity.

Thus, to get rid of resentment, find out why you are offended, what you want to achieve with your resentment, what your resentment will actually give you and how else you can get what you want, how else you can influence people to do something for you? These questions of yours to yourself will make your behavior more meaningful, that is, the way it should be in an adult, reasonable, prudent person who knows how to control himself.

Also pay your attention to the behavior of those people who have achieved much greater success in life than you - learn to react to certain situations from them. This is the easiest way to learn something - you just need to repeat after others, after those whom it makes sense to repeat after. So if you are a touchy person, you definitely need to start taking example from other people, from those who are not offended by anyone, but are looking for different ways to interact with different people. We all often find ourselves in difficult interpersonal situations when we need to use a certain model of behavior to achieve the desired results. Each of us behaves differently in such situations. Someone is offended if there is a reason for this, and if there is none, then one can be invented, someone is angry, intimidates and puts pressure on people, someone persuades and begs other people in order to get the necessary decisions and actions from them, someone is trying to interest them in something, and so on. There are many ways to influence people, as I already said, and, of course, you need to be able to use them all. But at the same time, you need to more actively master the most effective behavior, abandoning ineffective, childish, unattractive behavior, which often does more harm than good. Therefore, take an example from those who act effectively, practically, competently and beautifully. And leave touchiness in childhood - in adult life you will not need it in the vast majority of cases.

We all want something, we all strive for something, we all want other people to help us realize our desires and dreams, and we expect this from them, we expect them to help us. As children, we expected a lot from our parents and other adults, and as adults, we begin to associate many of our dreams and desires with our friends, bosses, wives or husbands, politicians, and so on. This is the problem with resentment - we expect too much from others and too little from ourselves. But in this life no one owes us anything. If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s unlikely that anyone else will take care of you. Remember this and try not to be offended by other people, especially demonstratively, so as not to show both them and yourself your weakness and helplessness. Adopt a pattern of behavior that inspires respect and allows you to achieve greater success in life.

To be offended or not to be offended - we always have such a seemingly simple choice. Unfortunately, we are often not the best option.

Resentment is a negatively colored emotion that, if abused, turns our life into hell. We begin to replay in our memory the situation or the words that caused the offense we received. This feeling comes to us because of quarrels and indifference, jealousy and envy. Resentments make us feel pain, anger, rage, sadness, hatred, bitterness, disappointment, desire for revenge, grief. One... But!

Friends, I repeat - this is only our choice! If we get offended, we get into a bad mood, deprive ourselves of health, and attract negative events to ourselves. The more often we do this, the greater the destructive consequences of this feeling. If you choose not to be offended, you will make your life happier and more harmonious. How to stop being offended and learn not to be offended at all, getting rid of this negative feeling, will be discussed in this article.

Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our own happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us yank us on these leashes at will? Is it pleasant for us to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but definitely not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, you can easily get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended) that society has hung on us. All you need is desire and a little awareness.

In this article we will find out how to stop being offended by getting rid of this bad habit forever. And at the same time we will free ourselves from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of Lifestyle and Lifestyle, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that touchiness, especially increased sensitivity, brings to us.

So, What does it mean to be offended? This means giving in to your baser feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest single-celled organisms have a similar reaction, which always react the same way to a stimulus. But we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, being offended is not something that is not allowed, no. This is simply not a logical action - after all, by being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.

But with admirable persistence, we continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, at relatives and friends, at our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our touchiness, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...

… resentment - this is solely our own choice . Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything repeats itself in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! That's why this article appeared, from which we learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical recommendations are written below, but in the meantime, please be a little patient, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits in order to then strike the decisive blow. Fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue to explore insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but indomitably approaching the achievement of this good goal.

Resentment in the soul and heart

Experiencing resentment depresses us greatly. The worst thing is that a person can carry a grudge throughout his entire life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget do not allow us to live calmly and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to replay in our heads long-past events, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body returns again and again to that state where we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why mock yourself like that? All this is only because we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, the resentment in our heart. We cannot let go, forgive, forget. So this disgusting feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.

By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment towards the whole world and the people around us individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our lives. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or we couldn't build happy family relationships: we once made a mistake with our choice and now all we can do is feel sorry for ourselves, so offended and insulted. As a result, we live in the past and do not allow the present into ourselves, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.

The worst thing here is that by constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. You can collect grievances throughout your life, and, as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Resentments accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure.” We do not let them fade into oblivion, because grievances have long become a part of us. And that’s why it’s so difficult to admit to ourselves that we’ve already spent too much time on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live in the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.

Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we ourselves scratch and make bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. Damn it, what kind of masochism is this?

“But the truth is behind us!” - we tell ourselves, which is why we feel offended and insulted. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if they really treated us badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, unjustly offended.

There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We have the ability to choose what we pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased sensitivity, then rest assured that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that the resentment can become part of this person forever.

Yes, they say that time heals grievances. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment that is regularly fed can remain in the heart and soul forever, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us up from the inside, which is why the colors of life fade, and more and more reasons to be offended appear again and again. But this is not what life was given to us for! And, if we were honest with ourselves, we would never wish such a fate on ourselves. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is an exit!

How to stop being offended?

Friends, below you will read 8 reasons why you shouldn't be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil within us. Under no circumstances should you scold yourself if you fall into the trap of resentment again. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when you succeed. It’s so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So, over time, the bad habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty,” and this means that in our lives there will be many more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that is great! Ready?

1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing - no one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obliged to act towards us as we think is right. Just think: do we fulfill everyone else's expectations without exception? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, we should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.

2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, you should always remember positive traits the character of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we concentrate on one annoying offense of this person, but do not take into account all the good things that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often make mountains out of molehills, forgetting about everything else (the good). In principle, this is natural: the human body is designed in such a way that negative emotions affect us more than positive ones. Perhaps this is due to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because offense destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.

And please, never forget that you quickly get used to good things. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that this will always be the case. And this does not mean that other people should also treat us well. It is optimal to take all good things not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice at such gifts with all your heart.

“Forget insults, but never forget kindness” © Confucius

3) No one is eternal. The person we are offended by today may not be there tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, you should never be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. Because then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones suddenly pass away. Only then do we suddenly clearly realize how boundless and crystal clear the care emanated from them. Even if they went too far at times, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this was out of great love for us. Please, friends, don't let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time left for grievances!

4) Accept responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our lives is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who is trying to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender may reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.

By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: “Smart people don’t get offended, but draw conclusions.” For example, your friend who missed an appointment and didn’t even call back could have done this for several reasons. Firstly, something could have happened to her. Secondly, circumstances may have developed in such a way that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe she is simply indifferent to you. In none of these three cases is there any point in being offended. And in the latter case, you should draw a conclusion and rid yourself of such relationships.

8) Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, you know about the saying that like attracts like? By dwelling on our grievances, we allow negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will get bogged down even deeper in this swamp. The feeling of resentment we experience serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment we have in our souls, the more likely it is that our lives will turn dark. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world, the more happiness we encounter in the external. Stop being offended, friends. The time has come to move towards your goal, towards your dream, towards your happiness, and resentment, you understand, is not our help here.

How to forgive an insult?

The main thing in the forgiveness technique proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, forgive and free yourself. Don’t just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end your soul becomes light and joyful. So that the heavy burden will fall from our shoulders, and we can breathe deeply without any worries or regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:

I forgive you (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that you...

I forgive myself for being...

Forgive me (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for...

The meaning of this technique for forgiving grievances is as follows. Why forgive the offender is clear and without explanation. We need to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) because the world is a mirror reflection of our inner. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, and fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, we simply don’t want to be offended by anyone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we were offended, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, we need to forgive ourselves for the simple reason that when we take offense at ourselves, we experience a feeling of guilt, which means we attract punishment into our lives. What leads to repetition negative situations when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.

It is optimal to perform forgiveness of grievances before going to bed; during the night our subconscious will do all the work, and we will not even notice it. We won’t notice the work, but we will notice the result. The resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If grievances remain, then they should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will go smoothly and easily. We only need to give instructions to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.

Friends, after one or several uses of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and our lives become calmer. You will completely naturally and without any violence against yourself stop thinking about it: the offense that previously seemed so important will no longer cause any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” from now on, from now on, will not stand in front of you. And this makes it so good and calm!

Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to admit that everything we receive, including insults, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength to pacify our pride and sense of self-importance, then the rest is a matter of technique.

CONCLUSION

“They carry water for the offended” (c) Russian people

Dear readers of SZOZH, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the meaninglessness of insults and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have discussed in detail today.

I hope, guys, that if you ever decide to take offense, you will definitely remember our advice. And you will make the right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prevarication, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us are perfect), then you can easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.

I would like to complete the article about grievances and methods of dealing with them with the words of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Are you offended? Then print out this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with expression and a serious look:

“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to their nature if I don’t like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important this is - my offense, let him receive it as punishment for his “misdemeanor”. After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t mind wasting her precious time on being offended. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a minute of playfulness; I would rather give this moment to my resentment. And I don’t care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I don’t mind spending years of my life in resentment - after all, I don’t value my life. I don't know how to look at myself from the outside. I'm very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who offends it. I’ll hang a sign on my forehead that says “Beware of Evil Dog,” and just let someone try not to notice it! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony to laugh, a drop of generosity not to notice, a drop of wisdom not to get caught, a drop of love to accept. After all, I am a very, very important turkey!” © Osho

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Touchiness is a personality quality that determines the tendency to notice offensive tendencies in everything, to experience the resulting feeling of resentment very strongly and even to spin it to inappropriately large proportions. Increased resentment is characteristic of those who are inclined not to forgive, but, on the contrary, to suffer from experiences associated most often with unjustified own expectations or ideas addressed to a significant object (touchiness, like resentment, is not applicable to those people who are indifferent).

Causes of touchiness

Touchiness arises as a personality trait initially from a feeling of resentment, which is quite normal for most people to experience, but only for some it takes on pathological forms, extended over time and exaggerated in significance. So, when the behavior of a significant person does not correspond to our ideas or expectations, the destruction of hopes leads to resentment. This feeling is born from control over both the surrounding reality and loved ones, which theoretically gives a feeling of calm and certainty, removes unnecessary anxiety, but is impossible in its implementation all the time. Such consideration of another person deprives him of an independent separate existence in the offended person; instead, the person is perceived as a part of himself, obliged to correspond to his own ideas.

In psychology, touchiness is a distortion in the perception of the outside world, a set of misconceptions about other people, leading to a disruption in quality interaction and understanding. Situational resentment is a reaction to inconsistency, but resentment is not a one-time episode in psychology, but a strategy of behavior and a manipulative technique in communication that allows you to receive attention, achieve your own goals and achieve the emotional warm participation of another when other methods are not available to a person.

Increased sensitivity resembles a chronic negative state, but the bearer of this quality does not seek to get rid of it, since there are many secondary benefits obtained as a result of such manipulative behavior. This behavior represents an infantile interaction with the world and is typical for children or immature individuals seeking to put pressure on an opponent (without the emergence of a reciprocal feeling of guilt, the offense remains meaningless and can spin up to a state of revenge, since it carries within itself an aggressive radical). The willingness to be offended almost constantly, with or without a reason, distinguishes resentment from resentment, which is situational and is designed to regulate human relationships by demonstrating one’s own dissatisfaction with the actions of another (in a specific situation in order to avoid their repetition, and not to receive emotional strokes).

Such qualities as touchiness, tearfulness, sensitivity appear in childhood, especially in those children whose nervous system arranged according to the unstable type or those who were often offended. For childhood It is normal to react with offense, since a person is not strong and independent enough to enter into open confrontation with the adult world; accordingly, other ways of expressing dissatisfaction are found. This is a kind of protection from unacceptable conditions, while maintaining safety, since it excludes retaliation (the response to an insult is always a feeling of guilt). Indulging in such behavior on the part of parents leads to the development of a selfish personality, becoming an emotional manipulator who has remembered that in order to achieve any of their whims, they need to pout their lips and go into deep defense, demonstrating to others how heartless they are in their actions. The inherent characteristics can be stopped, or they can find their development in adulthood, fueled by uncertainty. Such states kill a person’s desire to fight and develop a perception of himself as pitiful and unworthy, contributing to always choosing the easiest paths, and usually this is self-pity and blaming others, instead of asking for help or trying to change the situation. It can develop in infantile individuals who have retained a childish way of interacting with the world, who strive to avoid responsibility (even for their mood); they cannot take a clear position and defend their opinion, but they successfully use the help of others who try to avoid the feeling of guilt imposed on the offended.

It happens that a person who does not show himself as touchy, at certain moments becomes so. Such temporary conditions may be associated with objective reasons - when too many difficulties have piled up at one moment, and no one can help, or when there is a serious health condition that affects the emotional background. But those who did not have the prerequisites for the development of this quality are unlikely to become touchy, even under an IV, even on a deadline. But, despite all situations, there are moments that are impossible or do not want to forgive; at such moments a person is driven by revenge, a thirst for justice and resentment swells before our eyes. The longer this state is, the harder it is to get out of it: if on the first day there were enough apologies, then on the second day repentance on the knees may not feed the wounded soul thirsting for revenge.

Touchiness, as a constant trait, is usually a habitual and convenient way of attracting the attention of others, without directly addressing or voicing your true need for participation - such behavior is manipulative, although in many sources there are exactly similar tips for attracting a guy’s attention. The danger of such methods is that they work only a few times, and then the man gets tired of being provoked, while the touchy way of interaction has already become a habit for the girl.

The main mechanism that unites all special cases of resentment is uncontrollable states of resentment that arise frequently or for a long time (whether this happens due to circumstances or a person artificially inflates the problem is not significant for the rooting of character qualities).

Conscious resentment, when a person deliberately demonstrates all the signs of resentment, also, over time, leads to the true development of this quality. Our brain is designed in such a way that it adapts to the external signals that we send to reality, and if we force ourselves to smile, our mood will improve, and if we pretend to be offended, the person to whom it is addressed will be perceived negatively.

It is believed that touchiness and tearfulness are feminine qualities, and men have aggressive and angry reactions in such situations, but recent studies have shown that the development of this quality is not tied to gender, but depends on a person’s emotionality. Those. in general, the theory remains true, because women are more emotional, but if a particular woman has a more developed logical hemisphere, and a particular man has an emotional hemisphere, then the man will be more touchy. Also, the formation of resentment is due to examples in the parental family or significant adults, when a child adopts stereotypical behavior, subconsciously noting this model as natural, or consciously choosing a similar path of interaction, seeing the success of its use (for example, when the mother could achieve the fulfillment of her desires by showing resentment ).

Women's touchiness

Speaking about touchiness and giving examples, most often it is the woman who is the main one taking offense. And indeed, due to its emotionality, the female psyche is capable of experiencing more emotions and their intensity than the male psyche. For women there is no minor thing; everything that concerns their life or their fantasies or expectations is important to them. Women most often give their grievances to their husbands, then to their children, and further in order of closeness. Those. The more important you are in her life, the more resentment will be shown in your direction. It would seem that the opposite is needed - to take care of loved ones, and to release a dissatisfied mood on passers-by, but this is not about mood, but about importance and unjustified hopes. If passers-by do not help her with heavy bags, then the woman is unlikely to notice at all, but if her husband does not react to this, then offense is inevitable. This is because nothing is expected from a passer-by, but one’s own relative is perceived as someone who will care and protect, and in these heavy bags the image of the caring person collapses.

Girls love to dream and plan, imagine both event options and the reactions of other people, and they really get used to such fantasies, experiencing true experiences, so a failed trip to Asia can cause resentment not because of commercialism, but because she has already flown there , and going back is like destroying happiness. Naturally, in addition to such self-emerging conditions, there is also a regulated part of resentment, when a woman deliberately demonstrates her dissatisfaction (whether it be emotional coldness, silence or a gloomy expression on her face). Such situations serve to adjust relationships in order to make it clear to others that what is happening is unacceptable and repetition is undesirable. Many people play such a game, seeing what wonderful results it brings: men who do not tolerate emotional pressure and tension created by resentment are ready for any feats, showered with gifts, the first to make peace when they are right and do many other things. But the program fails, and by being deliberately offended, in order to gain benefit, the woman creates psychological conditions for the man that are incompatible with the healthy survival of the psyche, and he does everything not out of love, but with the goal of stopping mental violence and getting rid of tyranny in relationships.

By showing offence, where your boundaries are and how you should not be treated, you build and regulate relationships towards comfortable and close ones. By manipulating resentment and thus obtaining praise and gifts for yourself, sharing it with a constant companion, you destroy the relationships and psyche of not only the other, but also your own.

Of course, women are more subject to emotions, but this does not turn off the mechanisms, and you should not place responsibility for your condition on others - this is childish. Adult behavior will be voicing your feelings and complaints, with the development of a further new way of interaction.

But it is worth noting that a woman’s choice of touchiness is determined by nature, because A cleaner reaction would be aggression. Which the woman could not afford due to physical weakness. It is resentment that minimizes confrontation, but at the same time indicates dissatisfaction, helps to get away from openness, which helps preserve relationships and life. In the male version, resentment looks like anger, and this is logical, because if something happens that does not suit a man, then it concerns an external threat and here it is necessary to act, and from a position of strength, and besides, the man can afford it. The female territory is inside, where the family is, where there is no place for the manifestation of force, but the need for regulation remains, thus it turns out that resentment is aggression, but stopped and transformed by love.

How to get rid of resentment

Touchiness does not add joy to the person who offended him or to the people around him; it contributes to the destruction of relationships and a person’s personality, so the importance of getting rid of this trait comes first in order to normalize contact with the world and establish relationships with society. The most effective and fastest way to deal with what is happening is psychotherapy, but there are also moments that will help you overcome the habit of being offended on your own.

Initially, you should learn to control the switching of attention in moments of criticism or offensive statements addressed to you: instead of dwelling on the negative emotions of resentment, try to put your feelings aside and listen to the words of your opponent, perhaps he will be right and you are really to blame. In such cases, you can not even end up in half of the states of the offended person, but begin to solve problems or correct your shortcomings, and also thanks to the one who pointed them out. In the process of communication, you are responsible for whether you are offended or not, so when you hear an offensive text, openly ask the person to express themselves differently, explaining that such statements offend you. Usually the tactics change, people correct the wording and voice that they did not want to offend you. It’s better to understand it right at the moment the feeling arises, then you won’t accumulate it, and you can also make sure that you and your interlocutor understand what is happening.

In long-term interactions, focus your perception on feelings rather than emotions (for example, if you are very offended by the behavior of loved ones, then before you react, it would be good to remember that you are offended only now, but you will always love this person). Increasing your own cultural and spiritual level gives you an understanding of the difference in people’s perceptions and the opportunity not to devalue anyone’s opinion, despite the difference, including your own - so different points of view become only positions, and not the conclusion that you are not important.

Resentment is always about unjustified expectations and hopes, so try to keep yours within limits and lower the level of expectations from the people around you. You may want attention and warmth from them, but they are not obligated to give it to you, you can expect help from them, but they are not obligated to provide it. Give up the idea that people perceive the world in a similar way to you, and if something is needed, then make a request, without expecting the telepathic connection to work, and be prepared to equally accept both consent and refusal. People, even your nearest and dearest, are not your property and are not subject to your control, so getting upset and offended because they express themselves the way they like is an endless and depressing task.

It is important to remember that there are pathological forms of resentment that transform into manic states, accompanied by a thirst for revenge and rage; such situations can even lead to the murder of the offender. Such critical conditions are a pathological state of the psyche, are treated inpatiently at a psychoneurological dispensary and belong to the psychotic spectrum. It will not be possible to stop the manic state of resentment on your own or even with the help of a psychotherapist; a course of sedatives, antipsychotic drugs and complex therapy is required.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"

Resentment has a twofold definition. On the one hand, this is an unfair action caused to a person and upset him. On the other hand, there is a complex feeling consisting of anger at the offender and self-pity. The article explains how resentment arises and how to overcome it.

The content of the article:

A feeling of resentment is a natural defensive reaction caused in response to unfair insults, grief, and negative emotions resulting from it. It can be caused by loved ones, acquaintances, teachers, work colleagues and even strangers. It appears for the first time between the ages of 2 and 5 years, when the awareness of justice comes. Until this time, the child expresses feelings through anger. In fact, this is the result of brain activity, expressed in the analysis of the “expectation - observation - comparison” chain. It is important to learn to cope with feelings of resentment so as not to accumulate negative emotions within yourself.

Characteristics of resentment

Resentment is characterized by a powerful emotional charge. It always has consequences and negatively affects the dynamics of relationships with others. This is clearly seen from the phrases “I harbor a grudge,” “I’m offended to the point of tears,” “I can’t get over my grudge,” “I can’t see anything around because of the grudge,” “deadly grudge.”

Main characteristics of resentment:

• Causes acute emotional pain. This is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers unfair to himself.
• Accompanied by a feeling of betrayal. The offended person often says: “I never expected this from you.”
• Arises against the background of betrayed trust or unjustified expectations. That is, I didn’t get what I expected: I wasn’t given it, I was deceived, I wasn’t characterized as positively as I would have liked, etc.
• The actions of another are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of his own observations and comparisons with a similar situation among others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves the other child more, and so on. Moreover, this is not always true.
• It lasts for a long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.
• It can cause a break in relationships or their deterioration in the event of an unprocessed situation. Hidden resentment can destroy even long-term family ties. Regarding childhood experiences, an unprocessed feeling can result in a teenager’s aggressive behavior, reluctance to communicate with parents after reaching adulthood, and so on.
• Directed inward. Often the offended person cannot frankly admit what he was offended by. Therefore, emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.
• Accompanied by a feeling of irreparability of what happened. This is especially typical for impressionable children: “Vovka called me names in front of my friends. The world has collapsed! I won't be able to communicate with them anymore."
• Characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person cannot objectively assess what is happening.
• Affect. May provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or delayed.

You can only be offended by your loved ones. A person with whom there is no relationship or it is superficial cannot offend. A stranger can only insult. You need established connections, a certain approximate distance, a built-in system of expectations and a sufficient level of trust.

In some cases, strong resentment is accompanied by a loss of vital support, even to the point of a desire to die. The victim becomes depressed and experiences phenomena of loss of meaning in life, interests and desires. Apathy appears. Suicidal thoughts and aspirations arise.

A life-threatening situation arises when the offense is inflicted on a lonely person with few social connections; the offended - someone very close and significant, some complex basic expectations and hopes for the future were associated with him; the cause of the offense affects vital areas or aspects of the personality.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

It is believed that resentment is an acquired feeling. An infant may be happy, angry, or upset immediately after birth, but he learns to be offended later. He adopts this form of behavior from his parents or other children aged 2-5 years. However, recent evidence suggests that children may experience this feeling even earlier. Practicing psychologists who observed their babies from birth recorded feelings of resentment in infants as well.

The psychosomatics of resentment are very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness, including cancer or a heart attack.

The fact is that the aggressive component of resentment is most often directed inward and is very difficult to overcome. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. These are hormones. This is an excess of adrenaline that does not find a way out of the body and seethes inside a person, hitting weak points.

Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to respond to their offense. They cannot pronounce it when chatting with their friends and suffer more. For example, a father invested all of himself in his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of what happened provokes a heart attack or even cancer.

Women's health also depends heavily on mental well-being. During the examination, the gynecologist always asks if there are any conflicts with her husband. This is not idle curiosity. Conflicts and grievances against a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibroids, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.

Psychologists who study the connection between women’s grief and women’s health claim that women’s bitterness from communicating with loved ones is localized in certain places:

1. Breasts, uterus, cervix - grievances against husband. Since these are the reproductive organs, they are the ones who perceive all negative emotions. family life. Sometimes the result of unexpressed experiences, stress and problems in the family can be a diagnosis of “Infertility of unknown etiology.” That is, the feeling of resentment became so strongly strengthened in the girl’s mind that the body found a way out for itself by prohibiting having offspring in this relationship. Only a psychologist can help.
2. Left ovary - grievances against mother. Perhaps the reason here lies in the close connection between mother and daughter. We can also say that the heart is located on the left. Therefore, the feeling receives a response in this organ.
3. Right ovary - resentment against father. It is here that the feeling of resentment towards the dearest man lurks, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.

The more offended a woman is, the greater the degree of damage to certain organs. In mild cases, this can be a quickly passing inflammation, in severe cases it can lead to surgical intervention. The situation becomes especially sad if heartache hidden from others, not spoken out, or even repressed into the subconscious.

At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed inside the person. Resentment is associated with severe emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is its main essence. But a careful analysis shows that this is not entirely true.

The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and powerlessness. The latter arises because the event happened, and nothing can be changed. Anger is directed at the person who offended us. It is due to the fact that expectations were not met. For example, we give someone a gift and expect that person to be happy and actively use it. And in response there is indifference or even a negative assessment.

This is where resentment arises: powerlessness to change anything and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, since we will show our weakness or cross the boundaries of decency. Therefore, anger does not come out, but turns inward and seethes there for a short or long time.

The main types of feelings of resentment

It is necessary to distinguish the actual offense from the mental one. It is mental resentment that can destroy relationships and a person’s life year after year, without giving him any chance of happiness. The mental nature of the feeling is the attachment of the basic feeling of disadvantage received in early childhood to all subsequent relationships. It is as if a person views every conflict or misunderstanding with others through the magnifying glass of old traumas. Therefore, even a minor misunderstanding is perceived as a mortal offense, and the relationship goes downhill.

Women's resentment towards men

Women's grievances stand apart and give rise to a whole range of personal, family and child-parent problems. A girl, a woman, is a weak and defenseless creature. In many cases, she simply cannot adequately respond to the offender, since she is entirely dependent on him.

The danger of female resentment lies in its ability to poison the entire space around for many years to come. And finding the ends and reasons in such cases can be extremely difficult.

Resentment towards your husband may be a consequence of childhood trauma. The father did not support, was indifferent, criticized, and took out anger. The girl's expectations of a supportive and protective father figure were not met. A mental (basic) resentment arose. It seems that this feeling should not spread to the husband, this is a different person, but it turns out differently.

In any tense situation, basic bitterness joins momentary discontent, and resentment towards a loved one grows to cosmic proportions. It seems to the woman that her husband does not love her, deliberately offends her, does it out of spite, does not appreciate her, and she makes more and more scandals. In such situations, men most often run away, but that is not the end of the story.

The next husband comes, then another one, but everything ends according to the same scenario. In the end, the unfortunate woman concludes that all men are assholes and begins to ignore the stronger sex. Some come to this conclusion after the first time and never enter into a relationship again.

But the situation becomes especially threatening if the offended woman gives birth to a male child. On the surface, she seems to love him and would scratch out his eyes for him, but an internal veiled resentment towards the man forces the mother to put pressure on the baby almost from childhood. She always finds a reason: he wasn’t careful enough, he wasn’t attentive enough, he did something wrong, he didn’t come on time, etc. The result may even turn out to be a maniac.

Men's resentment towards women

Boys are very vulnerable. They cope less well with conflict because they are unable to show emotion, express it through tears, or talk openly. After all, society teaches them from childhood that “Only girls cry”, “Be a man, otherwise you’ll become a nurse.”

The result of this is negative emotions accumulated over the years, which resonate in problems with others and mistrust of people in general. For example:

• If it's all your mother's fault. Typically, difficulties arise in men with a strong-willed and tough mother. She controls every step, it is difficult to get affection and attention from her. Usually such mothers are careerists who gave birth “to be like other people” and do not take an active part in their son’s life, limiting themselves to punches for bad grades and unworthy behavior. Or, on the contrary, those who believe that “I gave my whole life to him.” Such mothers simply have nowhere else to direct their emotions except to the child. These could be divorced, abandoned or betrayed ladies. They constantly control and blackmail even their adult sons. Usually it is extremely difficult for such children to build their own destiny, since they do not want to upset or offend their mother. And she, in turn, does not see a suitable match for her beloved son. As a result, an adult man remains offended for the rest of his life and may even die alone, never having found a woman who can please his mother.
• If your first love, your wife, is to blame. Resentment from the first relationship or betrayal can be reflected in any subsequent ones. As is the case with women, men begin to look for a catch in new relationships, do not trust their partner and wait for them to be “stabbed in the back.” Usually, if such a person gets married, he becomes a terrible jealous person, tormenting his wife with suspicions, albeit completely groundless.
• If it's your daughter or son's fault. As mentioned above, even resentment over unfulfilled dreams in relation to one’s child can lead the offended person to oncology. Most often, this condition affects emotional men who spent a lot of time on their children and did not expect that they could become different than they were in their dreams.

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

The feeling of resentment is part of the structure of our emotionality and cannot be bad or good by definition. It simply exists as a normal reaction of the psyche to unpleasant influences. But psychologists do not welcome touchiness as a character trait and in every possible way recommend getting rid of it.

A person who is offended all the time, tragically silent (man), capriciously blowing his lips (woman), does not demonstrate his true emotions. They use touchiness to manipulate others. By demonstrating their resentment and dissatisfaction, they try to control their loved ones.

Mechanism destructive action touchiness is most clearly visible in the mothers of elderly bachelors. Every time their sons try to arrange their personal lives, such mothers fall into prostration. No, they do not create scandals, but their appearance expresses all the sorrow of the world, and the sons give up.

Touchiness makes life easier for its owner, but spoils the health of others. It is much easier to play on the guilt of people close to you than to try to come to an agreement with them. The tactics of such manipulation have enormous potential for control, but there is no need to talk about spiritual closeness, respect, mutual understanding, and contact in the family. Touchy people are feared and feared. People communicate with them through force, out of a sense of duty rather than out of love.

In fact, grievances bring enormous benefits, which are expressed in the following:

1. Shows our weak points. You should never let go of this feeling without understanding what it signals. For example, a cheerful conversation between a partner and a friend caused strong resentment and wild jealousy. By delving into yourself, you may find that the negative reaction has its roots in childhood, where your parents preferred you to your brother or sister. You need to work on an old childhood trauma, and then an ordinary friendly conversation will not cause such painful experiences.
2. In the event of the end of a relationship, the benefit of resentment is its anesthetic properties. A breakup is accompanied by a whole bunch of unpleasant things. Longing for another person, lack of communication with him - this is extremely difficult to bear. But anger and self-pity help to distance oneself from someone who has been an important part of one’s life for a long time. The strength appears to turn the page and move on.
3. Resentment helps to free yourself from negative emotions. She lifts all the emotional slag from the soul and brings it out. In addition, it is even useful to sort things out from time to time. As noted above, “small cups” are better than years of accumulated discontent.

How to get rid of resentment

Figuring out how to overcome a negative feeling is not easy. Practicing psychologists offer numerous recommendations, but they either do not work in a state of emotional outburst or are difficult for non-specialists to use. However, it is impossible to live for a long time in a state of severe emotional distress. Therefore, you need to choose from a variety of tips the one that is more or less suitable and use it.

Ways to get rid of resentment:

• Don't accumulate in yourself. In one legend, a sage advises using a “small cup” for misunderstandings with people. That is, do not accumulate your dissatisfaction to unbearable proportions when it ends in an outburst of emotions, a scandal or a break in relationships, but clarify all the points that are classified as unfair immediately.
• Let go of the situation, accept everything as it is. Resentment is always the result of our unjustified expectations. They are generated by dreams, desires and our ideas about others. It is not the person’s fault that we have invented character traits for him that he does not have. Moreover, it is not his fault that he does not have telepathy and does not guess our desires. Awareness of this fact helps to reduce the degree of our dissatisfaction and paints the problem in a completely different way.
• Be sure to speak out. Negative emotions go away through words. Contact your friends, girlfriends, psychologist, priest, call the helpline. The main thing is not to carry negativity within yourself.
• Working through the situation with a partner. Take courage and break the silence. Explain your feelings to the offender and make a claim. Most likely, he will be surprised and annoyed. Even if you were offended on purpose, they are unlikely to admit it. More often than not, people feel extremely uncomfortable and apologize.
• Forgive and let go. If you see that someone is purposefully constantly offending you, think about whether you really need this person? Loving people treat their partners with care. They can hurt unintentionally. But, if the situation repeats itself for a long time, perhaps you are dealing with an energy vampire. These types of personalities feed on other people's pain. They cannot be remade. The only way out is to leave.
• Introspection. Try to understand whether it was this person who offended you, or whether your strong reaction lies in past troubles. Perhaps overwork, nervous tension or old injuries are to blame. Then you need to apologize, not to someone in front of you.
• Help from outside. If you can’t cope with painful experiences on your own, a psychologist will tell you how to let go of the grudge. A specialist is not cheap, but our well-being, love, relationships are priceless. Moreover, the body’s response to a feeling can be not only a temporary disorder, but a broken life and lost health.

How to let go of a grudge - watch the video:

Thus, resentment is a complex psycho-emotional state that all people without exception face. It is important to get rid of it in a timely manner and not carry it around for years. This is harmful to our mental and physical health.

Ecology of knowledge. What is resentment Resentment is a feeling of annoyance that arises as a result of the unexpected behavior of a person whom we did not recognize in time.

What is resentment

Resentment is a feeling of annoyance that arises as a result of the unexpected behavior of a person whom we did not recognize in time.

They usually say: “I did not expect such behavior from him, so I was offended.” Why didn't you expect it? Because I didn’t recognize that person in time. And if you learn to recognize people from the beginning, then there will be no offense.

Let's say I learned to recognize people from the beginning and know who will behave in a certain situation. Then such a situation arose and that person behaved exactly as I expected. Will I be offended? Let's imagine that you came out of the entrance and walked past a bench where an old woman was sitting with a dog. As you passed, the dog barked. Are you offended by the dog? Of course not! Because you expected such behavior from a dog.

Injustice of the offender

Resentment is often associated with injustice. They say: “That person acted unfairly towards me, so I was offended by him.” Maybe we need to fight injustice, not allow injustice, and then there will be no resentment at all.

But justice is a relative concept and everyone understands it differently. Different psychological types understand justice differently.

For example, a depressed person (melancholic) holds a grudge within himself and is convinced that he was treated unfairly. Although the one he was offended by does not think so. If a depressed person feels offended, he withdraws into himself and does nothing towards his offender. He only wants to restore justice and deprive the offender of the undeserved advantage that he received when he offended. But there is a desire to deprive another of advantages envy. In other words, the offended melancholic is in a state of envy.

An aggressive person (choleric) also considers an attempt to offend him or gain an advantage over him to be unfair. But unlike a melancholic person, he does not hold grudges in his heart, but immediately begins to act. To be more precise, in a choleric person envy (the desire to deprive another of an advantage) arises, but for a very short time, after which he immediately proceeds to the realization of envy, i.e. begins to take revenge. Revenge there is a process of taking away another advantage. He begins to restore justice (as he understands it). At the same time, he can behave aggressively. Aggression is the restoration of justice by force. Any aggressor is convinced that he is restoring justice. Any war begins with the goal of restoring justice. Regardless of whether this war is defensive or offensive.

What to do if you are offended

If there is resentment, then inaction leads to envy and depression, and action leads to revenge and aggression. What to do?

Firstly, try not to get into unexpected situations, learn to recognize people and make an adequate forecast of the future. In this case, you have no need and no one to be offended - you have thought of all the main things, but is it worth being offended by the little things?

Secondly, if you are already offended, then do not keep the offense in your heart and do not act to restore justice, but throw the offense out of your heart and change the direction of movement.

Resentment has its positive side. Resentment is a sign that you miscalculated the situation and people and went in the wrong direction. You felt offended because you did not expect such a development of events, such behavior of people. But at the same time, the situation became clearer and we realized what and who we were wrong about. Clarification of the situation is a sign for us that we need to change the direction of action. Now we already have sufficient information to avoid misconceptions.

How to throw resentment out of your heart

They often ask: how can I get rid of resentment from my heart if I see my offender every day; As soon as I see it, I immediately remember the insult, the betrayal.

In such cases, the principle of isolation must be applied. Isolation can be physical or emotional. It is better to use emotional isolation. The degree of insulation must be appropriate to the risk of harm to you. You need to reduce your emotions towards the offender. That is, to have few positive and few negative emotions towards it, to reduce its significance.

Let's give a figurative example. What emotions do you get when you see a pillar? Positive or negative? Probably none! And when you see a trash can, do you cry or rejoice? Probably neither one nor the other. In the same way, you can have no emotion towards a person whom you could not recognize initially and who behaved shamelessly. Conscience is a part of the truth represented in a given person. If a person does not know the truth, then where will his conscience come from?

You need to understand that nothing else could be expected from this person. You just didn’t recognize it initially, because... out of touch with reality, being preoccupied. They projected their dreams onto him. But after it showed itself, you already recognized it. If after this the offense persists, then you must realize that you are already offended at yourself, because... You realized that you don’t know how to recognize people.

You can’t deal with resentment and delve into the past. Let's imagine this situation figuratively. The man decided to take a shortcut through the field. Suddenly he poked his foot into the dung. One man immediately washed his boot in the puddle, changed direction and moved on. Two minutes later he forgot about it. Another person in this situation studies shoes for a year. Wow? And on the one hand, and on the other, green here, brown here... And then he lives on this.

It is necessary to isolate yourself from a traumatic situation by increasing the stability of mental processes and reducing impulsivity. A stable person is not offended, because... does not get into situations where you can be offended. He knows how to recognize people and knows who will behave in a given situation. He is able to make an adequate forecast of the future and develop a realistic strategic plan.

It should be noted that some people unconsciously strive for upheaval in life. They will be bored if everything happens according to a pre-planned plan. They strive for surprises and adventures. They need extreme sports and adrenaline. And, they have the right to do so. It's a person's choice. The above recommendations are not suitable for such people.

Forgiveness

They often say: we must forgive the offender, we must forgive our sins.

Forgiveness of sins is not our business. If a person has offended you and at the same time violated the principles of life, then he will encounter the laws of life, the laws of nature. And, he will be punished by life, nature, God. It doesn’t matter whether you forgive him or not. Even if you have forgiven, he will still face the laws of life and suffer.

We are not able to forgive and thereby cancel the punishment. We can only help a person put himself in order if he asks us to do so and if we have the appropriate skill and desire.

The risk of being offended increases when we are preoccupied with something and are frantically looking for someone or something in particular. In this case, we project our idea onto a certain person and wishful thinking. We partially move into the world of illusions, and then we encounter reality and get offended.

Don't go into a frenzy. Moderation is needed. He who knows when to stop is saved in this world.

Touchiness of various psychological types

Stable psychological types are less susceptible to offense. More impulsive. Right-brain people are more offended than left-brain people.

Below is a table of the probabilities of touchiness of various psychological types (in percentage).

Thus, intuitive impulsive psychotypes (melancholic people) are more offended than others. They are offended by logical impulsive psychotypes (cholerics). Cholerics themselves are also touchy, but they quickly turn to revenge. Resilient people take little offense and do little to offend others.

EXPLANATION OF TERMS USED

Resentment- there is a feeling of annoyance that arises as a result of unexpected behavior

A man whom we did not recognize in time.

Envy- there is a desire to deprive another of an advantage.

Revenge- there is a process of depriving another advantage.

Aggression- there is the restoration of justice by force.

True- there is information about the natural structure of the surrounding world.

Conscience- there is a part of the truth represented in a given person.