A practical guide to making wishes come true. John gray practical guide to making wishes come true John gray how to become a happy woman

Current page: 1 (book has 24 pages total) [available reading passage: 6 pages]

Font:

100% +

John Gray
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. A new version for the modern world. Skills, skills, techniques for happy relationships

It is with the greatest love and admiration that I dedicate this book to my daughter, Lauren Gray. Her ideas about the role of women in family relationships inspired many of the discoveries that I talk about in this book.

John Gray

BEYOND MARS AND VENUS:

Relationship Skills for Today's Complex World

John Gray– Ph.D., internationally recognized expert in the field of relationships. John Gray's bestseller "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" has been translated into 40 languages and published in over 10,000,000 copies.

* * *

“John Gray understands the relationship between men and women better than anyone in the world. In the book, he gives long-awaited advice on how to navigate the thorny path of love in our difficult times.”

“A true specialist understands that times change, so proven methods need to be regularly reviewed and supplemented. John Gray not only understands how amazingly human relationships are changing these days: his advice and techniques have not lost any of their relevance today.”

“Twenty years have passed since the publication of the sensational book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, and today John Gray opens a new universe of useful tips for preserving and improving family relations. Read his interpretation of love and intimacy in the 21st century, and your world will never be the same.”

“John Gray, unlike many other writers, gurus and mentors, has not left the front lines and has been working with living people for twenty-five years, ever since he wrote the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” The deep wisdom, spiritual richness, sincerity and practicality of this book are beyond praise! New all-time bestseller!

Ken Druck, author of The Secrets Men Keep, The Real Rules of Life, Courageous Aging and How to Heal wounds after the loss of a loved one" ("Healing Your Life After the Loss of a Loved One"), as well as the founder of "executive coaching"

“Trust John Gray, who was able to describe gender relations on a cosmic scale, in terms of Mars and Venus, and thereby started an endless dialogue about the differences between men and women, and now went further and explained how this affects the relations between men and women in our days. All couples, both traditional and ultra-modern, will learn a lot from this wise philosopher.”

Harville Hendricks and Helen Lakelly Hunt, authors of How to Get the Love You Want and The Marriage Bible

“How to achieve true love in a modern world full of chaos and stress? How many times have we tried to explain the inexplicable with platitudes like “Well, men are from Mars,” without really going into the meaning of these words? But this is precisely the point: men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and if you want to build a strong relationship with your partner, the main thing is to understand how traditional roles change and develop, and learn to adapt to these changes. John Gray's book examines this evolution from both perspectives. As we settle into new roles, each of us will be seen and heard, and each of us will be able to love and be loved. If we can express the innate aspects of our nature, we will immediately see our strengths and understand how to cope with stress and find peace of mind. Genuine intimacy and deep love are a gift from above. I love this book."

Susan Somers

“John Gray's famous book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, has changed many lives for the better, including mine, and has helped countless people live fuller, happier lives. In the new book you will find wise tips and techniques that are still relevant today.”

“John Gray's wisdom, insight, and wealth of life experience have dramatically improved my health and mood and propelled me toward success. His wonderful new book teaches amazing techniques for strengthening intimate relationships and developing the ability to love. But this is undoubtedly the most important thing in life.”

Marsha Wieder, director of Dream University

“John Gray gives brilliant advice on how to maintain family relationships in an environment where gender roles are rapidly changing. His new book is a must-read for any couple who is serious about growing and thriving in their love for each other.”

John Gray's new book shows how to apply his advice and discoveries to modern couples, and picks up where the classic guide Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus left off. A new book really can change your life for the better. I changed mine."

“The book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” made us take a fresh look at the relationships between men and women, and its fundamentally new version provides the key to modern, much more complex relationships between men and women. Read it, you won’t regret it, and your other halves won’t regret it!”

Dave Asprey, Founder and CEO of Bulletproof and New York Times bestselling author of The Bulletproof Diet

“My wife and I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus many years ago. This book radically changed our communication, and we have been married for more than twenty-seven years. We recommend that all couples we know read it. And now we have read the sequel and will recommend it too.”

“John Gray is always one step ahead. He teaches by example, talks about his family, his marriage, and the family situations of countless clients and seminar participants. We know him well. In books you often come across unverified statements. But here everything is honest: this is the story of a man whose words do not differ from his deeds, a man who lives every day in love. If you want to understand yourself better and make your relationship with your partner sweeter, this book will take you to the next level.”

Arhuna Arda, founder of Awakening Coaching and author of The Translucent Revolution

“This book teaches each of us how to help a partner become himself, and thereby makes love deeper, and us - the best spouses in the world.”

Warren Farrell

Dear readers!

We present to you a new book by the famous John Gray! Many people know this author from the bestseller “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” This book has saved more than one marriage and helped millions of people around the world build happy and harmonious relationships. There is perhaps no book that is talked about more, that is mentioned more often when it comes to relationships between men and women.

But more than 25 years have passed since the first book about Mars and Venus was published, the world has changed, men and women are playing new roles and they need a new book. And so John Gray wrote a new, modern version of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

John Gray called his new book Beyond Mars and Venus. If translated literally “Beyond Mars and Venus” or “Beyond Mars and Venus”. For a Russian reader, such a name will most likely be associated with astronomy or space exploration. For a long time, the editors could not come up with a title that would immediately indicate that this was an updated version of a wonderful book that was familiar to many. A direct translation, alas, would rather mislead the reader. That’s why the name “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” was born. A new version for the modern world." It is not a direct translation of the original, but refers the reader to his favorite book and suggests that this is a long-awaited continuation, the result of many years of work by the author on the development of the topic, a publication that is based on the same theory, which has already become a classic, but represents the most modern views, concepts, tips and tricks.

Enjoy reading!

Introduction

I wrote the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” twenty-five years ago, and it still remains a bestseller and is published in millions of copies around the world. Today it wins the hearts of readers in fifty languages and in more than one hundred and fifty countries. Wherever I give interviews, in any country in the world I am most often asked: how have relations between men and women changed over the past twenty-five years? Is the advice in your book still valid?

How have relationships between men and women changed over the past twenty-five years? Is the advice in your book still valid?

The short answer: the world has changed beyond recognition, and this has significantly affected our relationships with partners. The pace of life and work is constantly increasing, and with it the level of stress in both men and women. And as millions of women enter the workforce and men take on more household chores, the dynamics between couples have changed dramatically.

Nowadays, for a relationship to be strong and bring a feeling of happiness and fullness of life, something completely different is needed. Both men and women today need different emotional support, they require more sincerity, intimacy and opportunities for self-expression. Gone are the days when women were expected to be flexible and dependent on men, and a man had to bear the burden of responsibility for providing for his family alone.

This change opened up amazing perspectives both for family relationships and for the individual. Now you can be yourself more than ever, you can have qualities that are unusual for traditional gender roles - and all this will only make the relationship between partners much closer than before.

However, these changes also pose new challenges for us. We need to learn to successfully express our masculine and feminine qualities so that stress does not increase, but decreases. We also need to learn to satisfy our partners’ new needs, and ours for them.

In a sense, men are still from Mars and women are from Venus, and many of the ideas from my first book are still valid. However, now that we have the freedom to express ourselves, we need a new set of tools to build strong relationships with our partners. This is what this book will teach you.

If today's women work equally with men, and men are more involved in raising children, this does not mean that men and women are the same. Our roles are changing, of course, but the biology is still very different. And because men and women are so different, we react differently to role changes, and our partners often misunderstand and misinterpret our reactions. We will study in detail what our needs for emotional support are now and what additional tasks inevitably - as a consequence - arise in modern gender relations.

Our response to change is often misunderstood simply because we are so different.

These tasks face not only couples, but also single people, since changes in modern gender relations are only a reflection of the changes that are taking place today in personality psychology. The new ideas about life that we gain as we move beyond Mars and Venus are needed not only for romantic relationships, but also for our personal happiness and the happiness of our children. They will help us get along better with employees and generally better understand others, and this is the key to career success. It doesn’t matter whether you are in a close relationship with someone or single, you need to build relationships with representatives of the opposite sex in any case.

If you are single and looking for a life partner, this book will help you be a better partner when you find your partner. If you are single and not looking for a partner, this book will help you become aware of your own emotional needs, which means reducing your stress levels and becoming happier every day.

New ideas about life are necessary not only for romantic relationships, but also for personal happiness.

Many single people dream of starting a family, and many married couples yearn for their former freedom and lost brightness of feelings. However, for all of us, both single and those who have found partners, life today is much more difficult than before. It is more difficult not only on a material level, but also because we need emotional well-being more strongly, and if we do not achieve it, then we are more disappointed.

Today's changes are a colossal shift in the context of gender relations. To build a strong union today, the skills and ideas developed over thousands of years for traditional gender relations are simply not enough - they will not help.

Mutual support, without which it is impossible to build a full-fledged relationship with a partner these days, requires a huge investment of effort from men and women. Most men have no one to follow as an example to provide it. Personally, I definitely have no one to relate to. Our training in family relationships began with observations of fathers who had perfectly mastered the old model, but had no idea about the new one. Our fathers went to work every day to earn bread for their family, and this, in fact, satisfied almost all the needs of our mothers, who expected nothing more from family relationships.

Our fathers went to work every day to earn bread for their family, and this, in fact, satisfied almost all the needs of our mothers, who expected nothing more from family relationships.

Women also have no one to follow by example when they are required to provide modern men with the support they need, or when they themselves are trying to get it. Traditionally, women are not taught to ask for things; it is not part of their communication skills. If the husband fulfilled his role and provided for the family, the wife had no right to ask for anything more. If he did not fulfill this role, the only way out for the wife was to whine and complain, which, of course, did not contribute to the intimacy of the spouses.

Nowadays, you can only take an example from the heroes of films and TV series, which, of course, are fun to watch, but they do not show how to pave the often winding and thorny road to creating a full-fledged relationship with your other half. In the popular series " American family"we laugh at the behavior of the characters, at the way they communicate with each other, caricaturedly exaggerating the joys and difficulties modern life, - but in the last five minutes, as if by magic, everyone finds a common language, and peace and love reign in the family. They show us the result we strive for, but they hide it from us. practical process transformation.

In classic romantic films like When Harry Met Sally, Titanic, The Notebook - and my favorite, Somewhere in Time - we are given a sneak peek at the deep love that sometimes arises when the characters manage to demand reciprocity, no matter how difficult it is. We are given a glimpse of how much joy and pleasure love brings when the heroes manage to overcome obstacles and finally find the one they were looking for. What we see on the big screen resonates in our souls, and we dream of experiencing something similar ourselves. However, the movies don’t show what happens next when everyday life comes into its own.

Nowadays, if you want to build a modern relationship with a partner, you can only take an example from the heroes of films and TV series, but they do not give a realistic picture of a genuine romantic relationship.

We imagine that the characters will live happily ever after, but we are not shown how they achieve this. We are briefly lifted by the spectacle of the opening prospects - but we are immediately disappointed, because we see how far our life is from our dreams. To live life in love, to truly walk through it hand in hand, we need to learn new skills that movies don’t teach.

Men are not shown how important it is to express their warm feelings towards their partner and provide her with positive feedback, without which she will not be able to show her best qualities, they are not explained how to make joint decisions if you and your partner have different views, how to plan time together, if one of the partners is more busy with work, how to make dates and not wait until the last minute when love is on the verge of disaster, how to resolve disputes and listen to a story about feelings without going into deep defense.

Women are not taught practical techniques to bring out the best in their partners, are not taught to satisfy needs that men have that are completely different from women, and to communicate their needs without complaining or reproaching - in short, they are not taught what the role of women in creating long-term and lasting romantic relationships.

In movies, the romantic hero always says exactly what is needed, and the heroine can only answer him. IN real life romance is provided by both - in any relationship there are two sides.

In real life, romance is provided by both - in any relationship there are two sides.

The path to becoming a person who knows what he needs and is able to support his partner is a very long one. But you can start it right now: you don’t have to wait for your current or future partner to join you. It is enough for one person to change, and then the relationship as a whole will change. If one partner gets better, the other will definitely catch up.

When I wrote the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, I was constantly asked the same question: “How do I get my partner to read this book?”

To this I answered everyone: there is no need to force anyone. Otherwise, the partner will take this as a hint that he is not good enough, will be offended and withdraw into himself. No, read it for yourself and try to apply the tools that will help you become happier, and you won’t need to change your partner at all. It's likely that your partner will eventually become curious about what you're reading.

This is exactly how this book should be treated. Your job is to focus on changing yourself, not your partner. As long as your happiness depends on your partner changing, you are preventing him from changing and growing. After all, you probably want to be free to be yourself, and your partner needs the same freedom.

Sometimes the more you give, the more you receive, and sometimes you get a lot for mere trifles. When we invest a lot in a relationship with the sole purpose of changing our partner, but receive little in return. That's not how things are done! From a partner’s point of view, this is not support, but manipulation!

If you invest more in the relationship in order to change your partner, from the partner’s point of view this is not support, but manipulation!

If you want to get more from a relationship with your other half, there is nothing wrong with that, just don’t try to change your partner - it won’t help. If you are not getting enough from your relationship with your partner, the first step is to start investing less in him and investing more in yourself. Don't try to change your partner - change yourself.

As soon as you change, it will immediately reveal a new side of your partner's nature. Changing methods also changes the result, this is a law of nature, but if you begin to feel differently, the result will be even brighter. This book will give you new strategies that will allow you to change the way you feel and thereby bring out the best in your partner. If you develop the ability to be happy without demanding changes from your partner, you will be able to give more - and ultimately receive more.

If you learn to be happy without demanding changes from your partner, you will be able to give more - and still not feel deprived.

It often happens that couples facing a crisis in their relationship present each other with long lists of legitimate complaints and reproaches. If this is the case for you, there is only one way out: both sides must stop blaming each other and take responsibility for their part of the problems.

If our happiness depends on our partner, we have nothing left but reproaches and accusations. Often couples get caught up in a “blame game” that is reminiscent of a tennis match: she gets angry about something, he gets defensive and gets angry back at her. So they shift the blame back and forth. And you can break this vicious circle only by stopping blaming your partner, and for this you need to find out a new way to return love. That's what you'll learn in these pages as you read how to create a mutually supportive, blame-free relationship with your partner.

When you live life to the fullest, you have more to give. If your heart is open and you understand what your partner's new needs are based on their gender, then not only will you live more fully, but with your help, your partner will be better able to meet your new needs too. When you don't like what you get, it's rarely helpful to ask for more. And most importantly, there is no point in asking for more when your partner does not get what he needs.

There's no point in asking for more when your partner isn't getting what they need.

The first step to a better relationship is to get back to a place where you can open your heart and change independently of your partner. The second step is to feel, say and do everything you can to help him. If you give your partner what he needs, he will be much more willing to give you what you need in return. The third step is to start asking for things little by little and generously rewarding your partner when he gives it to you. This is your formula for success, but expecting more without giving more is a formula for failure. I will add that expecting too much too soon also means nullifying all your own efforts.

Many women believe that they are already giving more, but are not getting any results. Often the point is that they are not giving their partner what they need most. Without new ideas, a woman instinctively provides her partner with the support she wants, and not the support he actually needs. Not understanding how different men's thoughts and feelings are from women's, the poor woman tries in vain - no one appreciates her efforts, since she is not able to provide the modern man with the support that he needs.

Men, too, for the most part believe that they give their partners everything and plenty, if only because they give more than their fathers gave. But since a modern woman has different needs, copying her father’s behavior and attitudes in an attempt to provide love and support is not enough for her partner.

Husbands of previous generations provided love and support of a different kind - they satisfied women's needs for survival and security. However, the modern woman needs new ways of expressing love that satisfy her emotional needs for tenderness, community, romance, intimacy, equality and respect, as well as her increased need for independence and self-expression. For simplicity, I call this new type of support “personal love.”

Modern women need a new type of support to meet their needs for personal love.

The situation of men is similar, but not quite: they also have new emotional needs, they need to feel that they are successfully satisfying the emotional needs of their partner and that they are valued for this, but at the same time they also have their own needs for greater independence and self-expression. In the past, a man believed that he had achieved success in life if he could feed his family, but today's man needs something else: he needs to be trusted, admired and appreciated for his efforts to provide new emotional support to his wife and children. I call these new needs of the modern man “personal success.” A man needs positive feedback - so he will understand that he has achieved success in his efforts to provide for his family not only financially, but also emotionally.

Modern men need a new type of support to meet their needs for personal success.

In the book we will study in detail the new emotional needs of our contemporaries, different for men and women - the need for personal love and personal success. Understanding these needs is the key to creating a relationship in which there is no room for reproach, because when you understand what is important for the fullness of your partner’s life, you can purposefully devote all your efforts to providing the very love and support that your partner will fully appreciate.

When you understand what is most important for the completeness of your partner’s life, you will be able to direct your strength and love in the right direction.

From a practical point of view, expect that you will begin to put into practice the new information from this book in about two months - and you will feel that you have become happier, that you can cope with stress better, but at the same time you will not depend on whether your partner will change. The next step is to gradually, in small doses, give your partner more support and greater expressions of love in accordance with the specific kind of personal love or personal success that he needs. Finally, once you've given your partner what he needs, you can begin to apply new skills - and little by little ask your partner for more, rewarding him generously for it.

Both men and women first of all need to find their own happiness, which does not depend on whether the partner changes. And single people should find happiness that does not depend on whether they manage to find their ideal half. If you're single, the first step, once you've learned to be more self-reliant, is to stop looking for your perfect partner and instead practice new communication skills over the course of a few dates with different people to gain a positive experience. It's much easier to develop new skills when there's not much at stake. If you set a different goal for yourself and stop looking for your ideal partner and focus on accumulating more positive experiences, you will get rid of the need to carefully and thoughtfully choose those on whom to hone these skills.

If you set a different goal for yourself - simply to gain positive dating experiences, you will have the opportunity to have fun honing new skills.

For a relationship with a partner to bring happiness and a sense of fullness of life, we first need our own life to be happy and full. It is unrealistic to expect that close relationships will be the only source of emotional well-being. If you build a life in which there is enough room for friends and family, and sports, and delicious food, and meaningful work or selfless service to humanity, where there is enough opportunity to have fun, be entertained, learn new things, grow as a person and develop spiritually, then love will make you only happier. Today, in order to build a long and lasting union, full of love, you must first lay the foundation of happiness, and to do this, satisfy your own needs, in addition to the needs for close relationships.

To fully enjoy a close relationship, you must first lay the foundation of happiness, and to do this, satisfy the rest of your needs regardless of your partner.

Many people mistakenly believe that success in the external world is sufficient for happiness in the personal world. However, it is not. Happiness requires love and new relationship building skills. If all you need is success, why are glossy magazines full of stories about the rich and famous who are stuck in psychiatric hospitals? Why are so many successful people single, divorced, and don’t get along with their children? Why doesn't wealth protect against symptoms of lack of happiness - depression, anxiety, sleepless nights? When you take more responsibility for your own happiness, you have the opportunity to provide the personal love and signs of personal success without which relationships wither.

Until you experience first-hand the fullness of life that deep intimacy brings, when partners give each other personal love and personal success, you will not even be able to imagine what it is like. After all, until you try the ice cream, you won’t know if it’s tasty. Many succumb to the hypnosis of the modern world, which insists that money and things make a person happier, and find themselves unable to feel the power of love.

It is difficult to imagine the full power of personal love until you experience it firsthand.

I remember the first time I realized how powerful personal love is and what a treasure it is. Of course, I always loved my wife, and this love gave me a feeling of fullness of life, but I did not understand how important it is to give personal love. After all, I was too eager to earn money and provide for my family - and I wanted to be loved for it.

And then one day, in the sixth year of marriage, Bonnie and I were making love, and then I said:

- Wow, what great sex! No worse than at the very beginning.

Bonnie was silent for a moment—I was actually worried that she was silent for so long—and then she remarked:

- In my opinion, it’s better.

- Is it true? – I was surprised. - Why do you think so?

She answered:

“Making love at the very beginning was very cool, but we didn’t know each other well then.” And now that six years have passed, you have seen both the best and the worst of me. And you still adore me. This only makes sex better.

And then I suddenly realized that, in fact, over these six years we have become much closer to each other - and therefore sex brings much more joy and satisfaction. This was an important discovery for me. After all, sex is a way of expressing deep love for a partner, especially for men. But after many years of getting closer to each other and learning to better demonstrate personal love, sex becomes just one of many ways to show it.

When you read this book and learn how to meet modern people's needs for personal love and success, you will learn many ways to express love and intimacy - and sex is just one of them.

Now that we have been married for thirty-one years, I still love my wife more deeply every day and feel that we are becoming closer - and not only in the bedroom, but also because we constantly hug and say tender words to each other , we support each other, have intimate conversations, help each other, and also constantly have fun and often spend time with our children and grandchildren. And I don't have to depend on sex as the only way to tell Bonnie how much I love her. Sex has become one of many ways for us to feel love for each other and talk about it.

John Gray, Doctor of Psychology, one of the experts who starred in the film “The Secret,” in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” writes about what the main sources of love are for a man.

D. Gray compares male love to a vessel that needs to be filled simultaneously in three ways:

1) a manifestation of care on the part of a woman,

2) expressing gratitude for everything a man does,

3) “a benevolent, loving attitude” towards his behavior and towards him in general.

Thus, when a woman fills his love vessel in these ways, the man adds a few points to her account(depending on the situation and how she does it).

Let me quote from the book:

“Every time a woman appreciates what he has done, the man feels loved and gives her one point. When a woman appreciates a man's efforts, he thereby receives a significant portion of the love he needs.
Don’t forget that a man first of all needs to have his contribution appreciated.”.

How can I get points into my account?

John Gray gives in his book ways in which a woman can score a lot of points.

Here are some of them:

1) He makes a mistake and she doesn’t say, “I warned you,” or offer advice. (A woman can get 10-20 points in this case).

2) He chose the wrong road, and she managed to find a positive moment in the situation, noting: “If we had not gotten lost, we would never have seen this marvelous sunset” (20-30 points).

3) He forgets to carry out her instructions, and she says: “It’s okay, you’ll do it next time” (10-20 points).

4) She offended him and, realizing it, apologized, giving him the love he needed (10-40 points).

5) When he asks for an apology for a mistake he made, she treats him with understanding and forgives him. The more serious the mistake, the more points he defends (10-50 points).

6) He asks her to do something, she agrees, while maintaining a good mood (1-10 points).

7) She is happy when he comes home (10-20 points).

8) Minutes of intimacy with him give her true pleasure (10-40 points).

9) She shows tact when saying that she didn’t like the movie or the restaurant he invited her to (10-20 points).

10) When he drives or parks the car, she withholds advice and then expresses her approval of his skill (10-20 points).

This is just a small part of what a girl can do to fill the vessel of a man’s love. Read in more detail Chapter 10 of the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and you will definitely learn a lot of useful information about the scoring system in relationships.

As you can see, all these listed points, when a man gives points to a woman, have an important feature in common:

What is important for a man is a woman’s positive, approving REACTION to all his actions, even when he is wrong,
It is important for him to feel supported (especially in situations where he is most vulnerable)!

In such cases, the man shows generosity and awards points!

However, if he does not feel the significance of his actions, hears reproaches when he needs support and love, “He assigns penalty points based on how much support he needs. When he sees that he is being rejected for a big mistake, he can assign a lot of penalty points.", writes D. Gray.

I am very interested in this comparison: that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, as described in the book.

Indeed, men and women are so different, with different values, with different needs, with different expressions of emotions. And even the system of scoring points in their relationship with their partner is completely different!

Therefore, the main thing is to understand what our differences are and learn to respect and accept them.

“A man’s heart will open if he feels that his efforts bring satisfaction to a woman.”, - John Gray.

How to get what you want and love what you have

Introduction

Life is designed in such a way that it is easier to get what you want than to maintain the desire to enjoy what you have acquired. Many people have learned to get what they want. But what they have acquired ceases to satisfy them. No matter how many benefits they have, it is not enough for them; they are gnawing at the feeling that something is still missing. They are dissatisfied with themselves, relatives, health, and work. There is always something that deprives them of peace.
At the other end of the psychological scale are those who do not know how to get more than they have, but are still much more satisfied with themselves, their work and their well-being. Their hearts are open to life, but their dreams have not yet been realized. They have made the most of their life situation, but wonder why others have more. Most people occupy an intermediate position in relation to these extremes.
“Personal success” is the central place, being in which you find what you want and do not lose interest in it. Personal success does not depend on who you become, what you have and what you achieve, but on how good you are with yourself and with what you do and have. Achieving personal success is entirely in your power. You just have to clearly imagine what it is and strive to find it.
“Personal success” is nothing more than getting what you want without losing interest in it.
However, personal success is not limited to feeling satisfied with your life or being happy. It brings a feeling of confidence that you can achieve what you want and motivates you to take action. in the right direction. Personal success requires you to have a clear understanding of how to make life the way you want it to be. For some, personal success is learning how to get more; for others, understanding how to become happier. Many people need to learn how to embody both of these important aspects.
In achieving personal success, you should not rely on chance, fate, luck or luck. Some people have an innate tendency to achieve personal success, but most require prior education and training. Luckily, you can learn how to achieve personal success. You may be much closer to him than you think. For most of you, most of you only need to make small (but important) changes in the way you think, perceive, and act to achieve the fullness you desire.
Small but important changes in the way you think can open the door to greater personal success.
By putting one or two new ideas into practice, you can literally transform your life in one evening. Although circumstances will temporarily remain the same as before, your A New Look the situation will give you the opportunity to instantly change everything. If you are blinded by the tinsel of life, curtained windows will allow you to relax and again see the world as it is. Likewise, making certain preparations will not only help you live happily with what you have, but will also give you confidence that you are on the path to achieving what you want.

Four steps to personal success

There are four steps to achieving greater success in life. This book discusses them in great detail.
Step one: set a goal. Look at where you are now and get a clear picture of where you need to be to achieve the balance you want between internal and external success. No matter how hard you work, if you are moving in the wrong direction, you will only encounter obstacles in life and will never achieve your dreams. By acting not just in accordance with the desires of the mind, heart and feelings, but in harmony with the aspirations of the soul, you will lay the foundation for both internal and external success.
Step two: get what you need. Learn to get what you need in order to truly be yourself. It is not enough to simply say, “I want to be myself.” To know yourself and truly be yourself, you need to learn about the ten types of love and care that every person needs. Once you understand what you lack and understand how to get it, you will automatically begin to move closer to inner success. Your car may be fine, but you won't go anywhere if you don't put gas in the tank. Likewise, you cannot find your true self if your need for love is not satisfied.
Step three: get what you want. Learn the secret to achieving external success (without losing your true self) - and you will begin to receive everything you want from the external world. Realize the importance of strong desires, confidence and aspiration to attract what you want. Learn to empower your desires by identifying and transforming negative feelings and emotions.
Step Four: Eliminate the things that hinder your personal success. Learn about the twelve types of obstacles that prevent you from achieving what you want, and begin to clear the path leading to both internal and external success. Learn to eliminate each of the potential obstacles: blame, depression, anxiety, indifference, bias, indecisiveness, procrastination, pickiness, resentment, self-pity, confusion and guilt. Having gained the ability to get rid of all this, you realize that nothing external can interfere with you.

Deborah finds a husband

When Deborah began learning how to achieve personal success, she struggled with external success and despaired of getting married. By turning her attention to finding inner peace and harmony, she was able to relax. This change made her realize that she was being neglected. Previously, she did not allow herself to relax and do what she wanted. Now she felt better, and as a result, she gained the ability to create what she wanted and attract it to herself.
Deborah not only found a great job, but also met the man of her dreams, whom she married. To begin a new stage of life and start a family, she had to remove three obstacles to personal success. Whenever in the past she had to decide on something, she was confused, constrained and indecisive. Having gotten rid of internal obstacles, Deborah again wanted to meet a man who would love her. By taking four steps to achieving personal success, she turned her dreams into reality.

Tom opens a bakery

Tom always wanted to have his own bakery, but it turned out that he worked at a television station. He did not like his work, and he often condemned those with whom he worked and was offended by them. Tom's first step towards personal success was the desire to be happy, regardless of circumstances. He began to practice meditation. As a result, I gained a sense of inner harmony.
Work was no longer the main source of his dissatisfaction. Having received the necessary support in meditation, he began to imagine what he would like. Tom began to constantly receive something. His life was filled with small miracles. He wanted to go on a business trip, and he was sent abroad. He wanted praise and recognition - and he got it. His confidence in his ability to create and attract what he wants increased.
This confidence gave him freedom, and he followed his dream: he quit his job and opened a bakery. To make this change in his life, he had to free himself from some internal barriers. At his previous job, Tom was often offended and judged people. As mental barriers crumbled, he got rid of slowness and indecision. Over time, this allowed him to open his own business (now very successful).

Robert finds a common language with children

When Robert began to put into practice the principles of achieving personal success, he was already a multimillionaire. He achieved external success, but at the same time he did not feel happy at all. He was divorced three times and could not find a common language with his children. He had everything except the understanding of his loved ones. None of his assistants or ex-wives realized how unhappy he was. People who don't have a lot of money cannot imagine that they can grieve with a million dollars. However, this happens all the time.
In search of happiness, Robert learned to live in harmony with himself. He wanted a person in his life whom he could make happy with his enormous wealth. But first he had to learn to enjoy himself. Before, in order to feel spiritual comfort, he needed a beautiful woman next to him. Over the course of a year, Robert learned to be happy without her. He gave himself a break and went traveling alone.
Realizing that he could be internally happy, Robert began to improve his relationship with his children. He gave love and was reciprocated. Every day the millionaire's dependence on external success decreased. He was happy with external achievements, but understood why they prevented him from finding true peace and happiness.
To gain the trust of his children and share his life with someone, Robert had to overcome many obstacles. He had to get rid of his tendency to reproach, from indifference to his ex-wives and understand why his children were offended by him. By breaking down these barriers, he improved his relationships with his children and found peace and joy.

Overcoming difficulties

After achieving personal success, life no longer seems like a constant struggle; what was difficult will become easier. Of course, there will be problems in life, but you will be able to solve them more successfully. Doors that previously seemed locked will begin to open. You will finally be free, feel free to be yourself and do what you should do here and now. You will feel more prepared for the exams of life. Inevitable trials will turn out to be a chance for you to become stronger.
In whatever manner your spiritual greatness manifests itself now, the bright light of your true self will shine to illuminate your path. With the dawn of inner light, your wanderings in darkness will end. Not only will you have a clear sense of what you need to do in this world, but you will also realize that you are not alone in it. The truth that you are loved and cared for will become a living, tangible sensation.
With the dawn of the inner light of love, your wanderings in darkness end.
You should not imagine personal success as being granted to you in a conflict-free state in which there is no room for disappointment and confusion. The art of achieving personal success is largely the ability to transform negative emotions into positive feelings, to perceive negative experiences as lessons learned. To truly become yourself, you need to go through a process of growth, which is impossible without changes, ups and downs. You can consider yourself to have achieved personal success if you know exactly how to get back up after a fall.
Those who dare to be themselves and follow the dictates of their hearts are sometimes met with traps. Mistakes, obstacles and overcoming them are part of life, important components of our learning and growth.
The main difference between people who succeed and those who fail is the knowledge of how to get back up if they fall.
For each person, personal success will be different from someone else's. Some people like to ride roller coasters. Others prefer the slow rotation of the Ferris wheel and the majestic views it offers. Some people just walk around, happy that no one is bothering them. Naturally, everyone has their own unique way of moving through life. In any case, there will be ups and downs, peaks and valleys, accelerations and decelerations.
Even though you have personal success, you will still experience negative emotions. But ultimately they will lift you to ever higher heights of joy, love, confidence and peace. By learning to cope with negative experiences, you will realize how important they are and give up the dream of living a life without them. Well, if you want to avoid negative and positive emotions forever, rest peacefully in the cemetery.
Life is motion. The secret of personal success is to learn to feel peace, joy, love and confidence in yourself, and not to lose contact with your inner world. Someone who knows how to make a dream come true has less reason to worry, he accepts life as a process and understands that getting anything requires a certain amount of time. If your heart is open and you truly are yourself, you will surely be able to appreciate and enjoy every step of your unique journey. The expectation of perfection in life evaporates as you discover that what you create in life (and what you attract to you) is the best possible for you.
The key to the future is in your hands. You, and only you, have the power to create your tomorrow. With this new perspective, you can find answers to any questions you have about achieving personal success. New perspectives will open up before you that will help you make your life meaningful. You will gain undeniable knowledge of how to achieve your cherished goal. These four steps will provide you with a practical and spiritual roadmap for creating the life you want to live.

Chapter 1. Money can't buy happiness

A LOT OF PEOPLE have gained a lot in life, but at the same time they have lost peace. The world is full of unhappy millionaires who are unlucky in love. And yet they, and those who look up to them, continue to think that by earning more money—or by acquiring more “something”—they will be able to find peace of mind.
We've all heard that money can't buy love and happiness. Despite the popularity of this statement, it is very easy to get caught in the web of illusory ideas that external success brings happiness. The more we think about money as a means to being happy, the less capable we are of being happy without it.
Perhaps some of you, having read the previous paragraph, thought: “Yes, I know that money cannot give real happiness, but it certainly helps to find it.” Although this phrase sounds reasonable, it is important to understand that it is a false way of thinking that robs you of your power. To change the direction of your life and gain confidence in personal success, you need to understand that money does not bring happiness. The idea that money makes you, or anyone else, happy is an illusion.

The Nature of Illusion

Let's look at the nature of illusion. Every day you see the sun making its way across the sky. But at the same time, you know that the Sun doesn't actually move. Although your senses indicate movement, your mind knows that this is not the case. Although you seem to be motionless, you know that the Earth rotates on its axis. Your mind understands that the movement of the Sun is an illusion; it is you who are actually moving.
Understanding this illusion requires abstract thinking, which is absent in a small child. A school teacher notices how, as students develop, their concrete thinking is replaced by abstract thinking. In most cases, these changes happen instantly. The student did not understand algebraic equations at all, but suddenly (when his mind matured) everything became clear to him. If the mind is not ready, no explanation will help the student understand the mentor.
To understand or recognize an illusion, the brain must reach a certain level of development.
The transition from concrete thinking (the world is what we see) to abstract thinking (ideas are real too) usually occurs during puberty. At the age of twelve or thirteen, the brain is developed enough to accept ideas that seem obvious to adults. Just as a child develops, so do the cognitive capabilities of all humanity. Ideas that once baffled the greatest minds of the past are now accepted by fourteen-year-old schoolchildren.

The Becoming of Common Sense

Just five hundred years ago, everyone thought the Earth was flat and the Sun moved across the sky. For the time being, people could not recognize this simple illusion. Their minds were not ready to accept the abstract concepts necessary to recognize that the Earth moves and the Sun is stationary. When Copernicus described this phenomenon in 1543, many did not want to change their beliefs. The Church decided that the scientist posed a threat to it, and he spent the rest of his life under house arrest.
After a relatively short time, Copernicus's discovery was recognized. Humanity has made a leap in its development. What most people couldn't even imagine has become a fact. Today, humanity is taking part in another leap - moving towards understanding the secrets of personal success. It has reached this level of development thanks to great teachings and religions. As we move forward, these important traditions will remain a strong foundation (just as the student of algebra rests on the mathematical foundations of “concrete thinking”).
In our historical times, many illusions have been debunked - in particular, illusions regarding the relationship between men and women. People always ask me: “Why didn’t anyone write “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” before you? After all, everything is so obvious. It seems like it’s just a platitude.”

An idea whose time has come

The simple answer to this question is that it is an idea whose time has come. Fifty or even twenty years ago it was not so popular. When I began teaching the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” system in the early eighties, some people literally amazed me with how wrong they took my words. They failed to grasp the fact that men and women are simply different, but this does not mean that one of them is worse than the other. They believed that if a man and a woman are different, then one of them must be better. And since I am a man, people thought that I was saying that men are better than women. Gradually, over fifteen years, the ideas reflected in the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” became generally accepted not only in America, but throughout the world. These changes in understanding are global.
What is obvious to one generation was a revelation to the previous one. Fifteen years ago, feminists argued that we are all equal because we are the same - women are no different from men. To achieve equality, women sought to prove that they were the same as men. Society eventually abandoned the idea that one gender was better than the other. Now it is clear to everyone that men and women are different from each other, but now we also understand that being different does not mean being better than others.
What is obvious to one generation has always been a revelation to the previous one.
We stand on the threshold of recognizing gender equality and reject the erroneous assumption that one sex can be inherently better than the other. We are gradually awakening to be ready to eliminate racial discrimination. Likewise, more and more people are recognizing the value of all religious teachings. It becomes obvious that God does not discriminate between religions. God's grace is available to everyone, whether you are an agnostic, an atheist, a Christian, a Jew, a Hindu, a Muslim or anyone else. God loves everyone regardless of their beliefs. As the world becomes more compact, we are able to see first-hand the high moral qualities of people professing different religions. Recognizing that these qualities are inherent in everyone, regardless of religion, frees many people from the narrow confines of their past beliefs.
People are beginning to take it for granted that all major religions teach truth while remaining distinct from each other. And thank God - after all, millions of lives were ruined because people did not realize: spiritual messages may be different, but they say the same thing. As we enter the new millennium, it again becomes apparent that “there are many paths, but they all lead to the same place.” The illusion misled us: it seemed to us that for all people there was only one path, one type of higher person, one higher teaching or one higher religion. After we have seen the wisdom in all religions, the truth of our own path becomes more and more obvious to us.

A new door opens

All these changes in conventional wisdom open a new door for humanity. Now we can debunk other illusions: the idea that our sense of self depends on the external world; that external success can make us happy.
Although it may seem that the outside world is responsible for how we feel, the entire responsibility for this lies with ourselves. When the outside world gives us what we wanted and “makes us happy,” the happiness immediately evaporates because we continue to think that we need to get something else to be happy. If we believe that we are dependent on the external world, our connection with our inner nature weakens. Happiness is crushed by the belief that it is impossible without additional acquisitions. Conversely, the confidence that happiness does not depend on external circumstances (and constant confirmation of this) prolongs our joy. Let me try to explain this using the example of money.
Joy will be endless if we make sure that our happiness does not depend on external circumstances.
It is not money that makes us happy, but inner faith, feeling and desire. Having more money makes us happy because we believe that we can now be ourselves. In reality, it is not money that makes us happy, but the opportunity to become ourselves. For a short period of time we gain confidence: “Now I am free to be myself and do what I want.”
This kind of belief makes us dependent on money. In fact, regardless of wealth, we have always had inner freedom. From now on, you have the strength to look into yourself and feel your inner goodness and greatness. To begin to experience the truth of this important statement, you just need to learn a little and practice a little.
From now on, you have the strength to look into yourself and feel your inner goodness and greatness.
Money makes us happy because we believe it allows us to be who we want to be, do what we want, have what we want, and experience what we want. We lack the ability to feel that we are already full of happiness, love, peace and confidence.
However, this feeling is available to every person. Very few people have achieved this level of understanding before. Now it is available to everyone who has taken at least a few steps in a new direction. What was previously the lot of a few who left the hustle and bustle of life in order to find inner peace, can now be found by anyone.
When Jim came to counseling, he was depressed. He was forty-two years old and was dissatisfied with the course of his life. Seeing people driving past him in expensive cars, he envied them and felt like a loser to some extent. He wasn't up to their standard, wasn't good enough for him.
He was outraged that others had more than him. After all, he did everything right: he finished school, worked hard and went to church. Why didn't he get these funny toys? Why was he left out? Jim was offended by the rich and condemned them, while feeling sorry for himself.
After taking a personal success class, his attitude toward money changed. He realized that he never really paid enough attention to them and therefore did not become rich. Although Jim wanted to have more money, he realized that he was living well and without excesses. He also became convinced that, by condemning money and wealth, he was punishing himself.
His next challenge was to want more while still being the happy owner of the little he had. Seeing expensive cars, he said: “These are the cars for me.” As he got rid of envy, overcoming a negative attitude towards money, he allowed himself to have more. Jim forgave himself for his previous failures and mistakes, believing that they served him well.
He realized that he could not only receive more, but also experience satisfaction from what he had. And he clearly realized that to be happy he does not need to have material wealth. Having gotten rid of his attachment to money, he began to earn more. Jim learned the secret of getting what he wants. He learned to want more, being content with what he had.
What was previously available only to a few, who left the hustle and bustle of life to find inner peace, can now be achieved by everyone.
When I began teaching the principles of personal success to others over twenty-five years ago, the results were good. But they cannot be compared with the current successes of my students. What I had to spend more than a quarter of a century learning - most of my life - they master in a weekend, in a two-day seminar. Today is different from yesterday like day from night...
Teachers like to take credit for their students' successes. However, my claims are more modest. I am simply deeply confident in the timeliness of this teaching. We were born at an hour when humanity is taking an epochal step forward. If the student's mind is turned on (as when solving an algebra problem), just a little explanation and practice will lead him to new discoveries and insights.
As a teacher with more than twenty-five years of experience, I can attest to the reality of the current shift in consciousness. Today everyone can understand: only he himself is responsible for his sense of self. This simple but very important idea, which is the secret to achieving personal success, will eventually be accepted and put into practice by everyone, not just the lucky few.

Chapter 2. External success enhances our feelings

MONEY, RECOGNITION, family, children, great job, stunning outfits, winning the lottery and any other form of external success are like a magnifying glass through which your inner feelings are refracted. If you are already calm, you will feel even more calm. If you have happiness and love, they will multiply. If you are confident in yourself, you will become even more confident.
The opposite is also true: depending on how unhappy you are, joy, love, confidence and peace will decline in your life. If you have not yet achieved personal success, then any additional acquisitions will simply complicate your life and create unnecessary problems. If you were unhappy, becoming rich will not make you any happier.
If you're happy and know that your happiness doesn't depend on more money, increasing your bank account can make you happier. There is nothing wrong with wanting more money. The desire to get rich only limits us when we forget that the true source of happiness lies within us.
The secret to getting what you want and loving what you have is the ability to be happy, loving, confident and calm, regardless of external circumstances. As a result, you become happier and more successful in the world. If you have learned to be happy with what you already have, then in accordance with your true needs, life will give you material success.

The illusion of external success

All promises of external success are illusory. When we are unhappy, we think that a new car, a better job, or a loving person will make us happier. However, every acquisition leads to the exact opposite result.
When we are unhappy, we tend to think that by acquiring something we can satisfy the inner pain. But that's not true. There are never enough acquisitions. As we continue to feel unhappy about not having more than we have, the illusion of external success increases. We believe even more strongly that we cannot be happy without receiving more. Here are some typical examples:
“I can't be happy unless I make a million dollars.”
“I can't be happy if my bank account is empty.”
“I cannot be happy if my wife does not change her attitude towards me.”
“I cannot be happy if my husband does not become more attentive to me.”
“I can’t be happy unless I find a better job.”
“I can’t be happy unless I lose weight.”
“I can't be happy unless I win.”
“I cannot be happy unless I achieve respect and recognition.”
“I can’t be happy if there is so much stress in my life.”
“I can't be happy if I have too many things to do.”
“I can’t be happy if I have nothing to do.”
It seems that, having received what we wanted, we became happy, but soon the blues overwhelm us again. As before, we mistakenly think that we will get rid of pain and become happy by acquiring something else. Unfortunately, with every attempt to achieve external success, we only feel more empty inside. Not only is our life not filled with more joy and peace, but we are plunging deeper into the abyss of confusion and disappointment.
If we have not achieved personal success, then the more we acquire, the more unhappy we become. Why are newspapers full of stories about the unfortunate rich and famous? For many of them, fame and money only bring suffering, drug addiction, divorce, violence, betrayal and depression.
If we do not learn to achieve personal success, the more we acquire, the more dissatisfied and restless we will become.
The lives of stars clearly demonstrate that external success can only bring satisfaction if we have gained an internal positive sense of self. Depending on the degree of personal success achieved, external success can be either heaven or hell.

Personal success comes from within

Personal success comes from within; it can be achieved if you are able not only to be yourself, but also to love yourself. You need to be able to do what you want while being confident, happy and strong. Personal success is characterized not only by achieving a goal, but also by the feeling of gratitude and satisfaction that comes after achieving what you want. No matter who you are and no matter how much you have, without personal success you will always lack something for complete happiness.
Personal success is achieved when you are truly happy with yourself and your past, present and future.
To achieve personal success, we must first understand the futility of trying to make achieving material success our highest priority. What good is it to get something and feel like it's not enough? Why get what you always wanted if after that you lose interest in it? What good are millions of dollars if you look in the mirror and hate your reflection? Should you sing a song that everyone loves but you hate? To truly find lasting happiness, you need to make small but very important changes in your thinking. We must put in first place the achievement of not material, but personal success.

Feeling happy

Lasting happiness comes from within. Getting what you want makes you happy only to the extent that you are already happy. If you did something well or learned something new, it will only give you strength to the extent that you already felt confident. Someone's love will support you just as much as you have already loved yourself. You can only find in your life the amount of peace, harmony and time for relaxation that corresponds to your level of relaxation and tranquility. The outside world can fill us with love, joy, strength and peace only if we already feel them within ourselves.
Material success can only make you happy if you are already happy.
If you are already happy, then whatever you receive makes you feel happy. Imagine yourself lying comfortably but motionlessly in a warm bath. Isn’t it true that the feeling that the water is warm goes away? If you begin to move slightly, you will again feel a rush of warmth. To feel warm, two factors must be present: you must be in warm water and you must move.
In a similar way, in order to experience waves of happiness, we need to already be happy and, in addition, create new waves by acquiring what we want. If we are already happy, then it will not require extraordinary material success to create gentle and gentle waves of joy.
Figuratively speaking, if you are in a pool of inner strength and confidence, then as you move you will feel waves of confidence. To one immersed in a pond of love and peace, movement will bring waves of love and peace.
On the other hand, if you feel unhappy, unloved, insecure, stressed, then all your actions will bring you waves of unhappiness, disappointment and suffering. And it doesn’t matter what success you have currently achieved in getting what you want. All the same, they will only cause you torment and further stress.

The real cause of misfortune

If, after achieving external success, we still remain unhappy, we decide that the cause of our unhappiness is the lack of some other thing. It is very easy to draw such an incorrect conclusion. Most of the time when we are unhappy, we want something. And we automatically conclude: we are unhappy because we don’t have what we want. This conclusion is wrong.
We make the mistake of thinking that we are unhappy because we haven't gotten or don't have what we want.
As you move closer to personal success, you will realize that wanting something you don't already have is not the cause of unhappiness. Instead, this positive and joyful feeling is comparable to excitement, confidence, determination, courage, excitement, enthusiasm, faith, appreciation, gratitude, love - the list goes on and on. Striving for more is not the cause of unhappiness. If you are already happy and confident within yourself, then the desire to have more and the efforts made in this direction fill you with waves of joy, love, confidence and peace.
The desire for more is in the nature of the soul, mind, heart and feelings. The soul always wants to be more. The mind is always looking for food for itself and strives to gain new knowledge. The heart always wants more love. The senses always need more pleasure. If we are truly ourselves, we will always want more.
The desire for more is in the nature of the soul, mind, heart and feelings.
It's natural to want more love. It's good if you strive for success in your work. It is normal to enjoy through the senses and want more. The desire for more is our natural state. There is nothing wrong with this desire. Prosperity, a successful career and creative growth, love, pleasure, movement towards more - all this is the nature of life.
Striving for more while having less is not the cause of our unhappiness. The real cause of unhappiness is simply the lack of inner joy and has nothing to do with external conditions. Misfortune is like darkness. Darkness is the absence of light. To eliminate darkness, you just need to turn on the light. Likewise, the feeling of unhappiness diminishes as we learn to turn on the light within ourselves.
The darkness cannot be dispelled without turning on the light.
By touching our true nature and staying in touch with it, we will naturally be happy. Why? Because they are happy by nature. Our true nature is always full of love, joy, confidence and peace. To find happiness, we need to go on an inner journey to discover (and remember) who we really are. When we turn inward, we will discover that we already have the joy, love, strength and peace that we have been looking for. These qualities are our essence.

Chapter 3. Selling out for external success

In LITERATURE AND CINEMA, there is often a plot of selling the soul to the devil (or “dark forces”) in order to achieve success. Of course, these stories are fantastic. However, interpreted as a metaphor, they are instructive. It is much easier to achieve external success by abandoning your true nature. To sell out (to sell your soul) means to put external success above your soul’s desire for love, joy and peace.
Love, joy, faith, compassion, tolerance, wisdom, courage, humanity, gratitude, nobility, confidence, delicacy - these and other human qualities are internal to everyone. If you deny the natural process of developing these qualities, then you have sold out. You will achieve external success, but that is not the real achievement.
If you focus your attention entirely on external success, you will be able to achieve it faster, but you will lose yourself. You will lose interest in what you have. Peace will leave your mind and love will leave your heart. Phantom happiness will always beckon you; it will be nearby, but beyond the line, where you can’t reach.
If you focus entirely on external success, you will be able to achieve it faster, but you will lose yourself.
Many people have achieved impressive success in this world without love. To become stronger, they abandoned their inner loving self. Making decisions and doing things that bring external success are easier if you don't care about anyone. This is the other side of material success. You don't have to paint everyone with the same brush, but it still explains why some very uncouth types are so powerful.
By refusing to care about the needs and feelings of other people, from justice, they gave themselves the freedom to be selfish. Unburdened by understanding the needs of others, they can move forward ahead. The pages of history are replete with the names of people who achieved power and fame by going over their heads. They only cared about power, and they didn’t care what happened to others. External success was more important to them than the desire to remain themselves. However, although outwardly their life seemed luxurious, inside they were poverty-stricken.

Be happy and success will come... but not always

On the other hand, some people prefer to be themselves, but do not strive for external success. They live according to the dictates of their hearts, follow their joy, or simply go with the flow. Sometimes their slogan becomes the words: “Don’t worry about it, relax” or “Everything is God’s will.” They believe that if they focus on feeling happy, success will come naturally. Although this sounds great, it is not always the case. Being yourself will make you happy, but it won't necessarily give you what you want.
The world is full of people who are very happy, although they are not basking in luxury. Visiting villages in India, Southeast Asia, some African countries and other parts of the world, I saw many joyful and peaceful people, doing without any external “success”. There are millions of people in the world who are happy, although they are poor. Even in rich countries, some of the nicest and warmest people struggle to pay their bills and barely make ends meet. These people have found joy and love in life, but they do not know how to get more from it.
There are millions of people in the world who are happy but poor.
While some are simply unable to pay enough attention to material success, others reject external success and label it as the cause of all the world's problems, which is not always true. They throw out the baby with the bathwater. Giving up material desires because others have become victims of material success is a mistake. Whether we consciously deny the material world or simply cannot operate effectively in this environment, it is the negative attitude towards wealth that blocks our access to it.
It is not enough to just be internally happy. To live the life we were created for, we must allow ourselves to want more. If you are one of those people who doesn't care about money, you might want to reconsider your attitude towards it. The point is that you may be unconsciously blocking your inner desire for more. Although you are happy, you can become even happier by recognizing that there are other facets of your true self.
Sometimes, when we fail to achieve what we want, we become disappointed and give up on our desires. In order not to feel internal pain, we try to get rid of it by saying: “It wasn’t that important” or “It doesn’t bother me at all.” This tendency can ultimately dull our senses and prevent our natural desires from expressing themselves.

From monks to millionaires

Between the ages of twenty and thirty, I went through a phase of denying the external dimensions of success. After living as a monk in Switzerland for nine years, I eventually “found God” and discovered an amazing source of inner happiness. To a certain extent, I have renounced the need for external success. But I still wanted to change the world and prayed to God to show me the way to this. An inner voice directed me to California.
Having settled in Los Angeles, I probably shunned material success more than ever. He believed that the rich are selfish, who do not choose the means to achieve their desired goals, and that all the world’s problems are caused by them. Having no respect or compassion for people and nature, moneybags simply care about satisfying their insatiable thirst for wealth and power. I rebelled, refused to take a job, and gave everything I had to the poor. For several months I was a homeless tramp.
One night, sitting with other homeless people around a fire, I experienced a turning point. Just as I was sharing my ideas with them, one of my friends handed me a beer and said, “John, we love hearing you preach, but we don’t understand anything you talk about.” We all laughed.
That night I remembered his words again. A single phrase acted as a catalyst and made me turn back. I realized that I needed to find my place in the world, find a way to improve it in my own way. I also realized that I was deprived of many of the amenities that I had enjoyed before. Although my heart was full of love and joy, I was a beggar. This lifestyle didn't suit me. I was hungry, cold, broken, scared and lost. Since I entrusted my heart to God, I began to ask Him for help.
Nine years of monastic life taught me how to find inner happiness. But that night I discovered that my soul wanted so much more. I realized that it is not enough to just be happy with what you have; one must also respect one's material desires. As I began to ask God for more, it began to come to me. Small miracles immediately began to happen around me.
It's not enough to just be happy with what you have; one must also respect one's material desires.
I was hungry and someone invited me to lunch. I was tired of spending the night in the car, and someone invited me to stay with him temporarily. I needed to fill up the car, and my parents sent me gas coupons. The joy and elation I felt from all these gifts helped me think differently about my relationship with money and wealth. As I experienced material success throughout the year, my life began to become comfortable again. I stuck to my line, but my prayers were answered.
I have always lived by the words of Jesus: “Seek first the kingdom of God within, and all other things will be added to you.” From that most wonderful night, a new phase of my journey began. I have found the inner Kingdom of God; now it's time for everything else. Over the next nine years, I was given everything I wanted, and even things I never imagined.
It took me nine years to find my true self and reconnect with God. Another nine were spent to attract to myself and create everything I desired in the outside world. During this time, I was able to achieve success beyond my expectations and develop practical methods that allowed people to realize their dreams much faster.
Although I had to devote nine years of meditation, prayer and devotion to God to achieve inner success, others do not need such a long novitiate. As we enter the new millennium, in order to gain the inner Kingdom of Heaven, it is no longer necessary to renounce the world and meditate for ten to fifteen hours a day.

Give me money

Looking at the path I have taken, I see many of my mistakes. However, I needed these miscalculations to find my way. Fortunately, I was not deprived of love and care in my life, which allowed me to learn from these mistakes. After experiencing hardship, I gave myself permission to ask for more. Difficulties taught me: he who does not ask will not receive. After asking God to show me the way, I eventually realized that I could ask Him to give me money too.
Gradually I began to understand that I could ask God to give me money.
In addition to prayer, what helped me move forward was the knowledge that I had the ability to achieve what I wanted. I wasn't alone. God helped me, I had family and friends who cared about me, who were able and willing to help me start over.
I was able to rebuild so quickly because I felt the love and care of God, my family and friends. In order for God's blessing to accompany our lives, we must do everything in our power to obtain what we want. It is a mistake to simply expect God to do everything for you. It won't work that way. God only does what you cannot do.
In answer to your prayers, God only does what you cannot do yourself.
To achieve external success, it is not enough to simply find God; you must also learn to get what you need for your growth. The grain may be healthy, the soil fertile, but if there is no water, it will not germinate. To achieve internal and external success, it is essential to satisfy the emotional need for love and care. Once we have what we need, we can look back at the difficulties we have encountered and learn from them. This will contribute to our growth. Without heartfelt support, we tend to look to the past with resentment and judgment, missing out on opportunities for learning and inner growth.
I believe that the experience of being homeless and poor helped me open my heart wider material world. Once I got back on my feet, I began to respect money. And I clearly saw that they could be both a blessing from heaven and a ticket to hell. Money itself is neutral - it is we who endow it with positive or negative properties. Vagrancy gave me a great appreciation for money for the benefits it provides.
Money can be either a blessing from heaven or a ticket to hell.
I still remember the joy and gratitude I felt when a friend, seeing how needy I was, gave me fifty dollars. Only a hungry person truly appreciates the simple joys of life. Since then, gratitude for what I have, plus the confidence that I can have more, has become a magnet that attracts success to my life.
Although I love the comfort and trappings of external success, even today, when I travel the world, I sometimes live like a native. The isolation from the comforts familiar to the West reminds me of their ephemeral nature; simple existence protects me from losing respect for what I possess.
When the main difficulties you have to overcome are the lack of... drinking water, toilet paper, hot food, shower and bed, a huge number of factors leading to stress are removed from your life. Having been deprived of comfort for a while, I again understand that I can be happy without it. When the mind, heart, and senses cannot experience pleasure, the inner light of the soul has a chance to shine brighter.
This experience would not have been so bright if I had not known that I was able to return to my old life and achieve material success again. If I decide to renounce the benefits of civilization, it will not be forever. I still respect my need for pleasure, comfort, prosperity, money, family, friends and health. After five or six days I return to comfort - I settle in a good hotel room with hot water. At the same time, I experience such physical pleasure and joy that I thank God for my external success.
The desire for money is undoubtedly harmful to the world. But we must not forget why this happens. The problem is not a consumer society or our insatiable thirst for material goods. External success only becomes the cause of unhappiness when we put it first and refuse to be ourselves - the real ones. If we have satisfied the soul's desire to be whole, money becomes one of God's blessings.
The desire for money and external success is healthy and beneficial. Success in the “sublunary world” does not take you away from your true self. You can have external success while remaining yourself. You can get what you want by continuing to love what you have. By knowing how to achieve personal success, you can enjoy both internal and external success.

Chapter 4: How to Get What You Need

SO far the conversation has been about how important it is to be yourself and find inner happiness before you start focusing on external desires. But how to find inner happiness if you are unhappy? How can you love yourself and others if there is no love in your life? What to do if you don't like your reflection in the mirror? You try to love your neighbor, but at the same time you are angry with him. You try to love your job, but you hate it or it makes you bored. You love your family, but you feel guilty about wanting to break out of this routine. How can you find happiness when the world crushes you into dust?
The answer to this question is: “Identify your needs and meet them.” Your car may be fine, but you won't go anywhere if you don't put gas in the tank. Likewise, if we don't get what we need, we temporarily deny our true nature. Our true nature is happiness. To experience it, to get in touch with it, we just need to feel characteristic appearance love and support. Until we open our hearts to acquiring what we need, we will not be able to find our way home.
There may be nothing wrong with your car, but you won't move if you haven't filled the tank with gas.
If you do not feel internal success, it is not at all because you did not receive something in the outside world. We often make this conclusion, but it is wrong. If our journey in life is too bumpy to find peace, love, joy and confidence, we must remember who we are and reconnect with our inner nature. We cannot find inner happiness until we get what we need.
In moments of happiness, we receive exactly the kind of love we need. If we are unhappy, it is always because we are somehow lacking a certain kind of love. Love is like fuel: if we stop getting the fuel we need, we automatically turn off. The light bulb may be fine, but if there is no electricity flowing to it, it won't light. When we receive love, we gain the energy we need to connect with our true selves. Getting what we need is like pressing a light switch. Electrical wiring in place; we just need to turn on the light.

Vitamins of love

Just as the body needs water, air, vitamins and microelements to maintain health, the soul needs certain types of love - so that it grows and fully expresses itself through the mind, heart and body. The mind helps the soul to fulfill its purpose in the world: it sets goals, strives for them, thinks constructively, hopes. The soul is also helped by the heart, which attracts what is necessary for its growth. Feelings nourish the soul, supplying the necessary information from the outside world and giving us pleasant sensations.
The heart helps the soul by attracting what is needed for its growth.
Until the soul receives what it needs, it is powerless to lead our life and make it harmonious. Without connection with the soul, we wander in the dark. We may think we know where we are going, but we will never be truly satisfied. To connect with our soul, we need to open our hearts and accept the love we need. To be healthy and strong, the soul needs various vitamins of love.
If our hearts are closed and our minds pointing in the wrong direction, we will not be able to achieve inner success. By learning to identify your need for love and opening your heart to love vitamins, you will always be able to connect with your inner self.
You need ten kinds of love, ten vitamins of love. To achieve personal success, each of them is necessary. To know your true self, you need to open your heart to all the vitamins of love. To immediately free yourself from tension and feel the strength and ability to create and attract success, each of the vitamins listed below is important.
ten vitamins of love
Vitamin B 1 - God's love and care.
Vitamin R - parental love and care.
Vitamin D - love and support from family, friends and leisure time.
Vitamin E - love and support from peers and like-minded people.
Vitamin S - love and support from yourself.
Vitamin V - love and support of those with whom you have close relationships - partners or lovers.
Vitamin Z - love and support for those who depend on us.
Vitamin O is a loving tribute to the social environment.
Vitamin M is a loving tribute to the world.
Vitamin B 2 - loving service to God.
Those who live in wealth and contentment are nourished by each of these ten types of love and support. The main reason you are not satisfied with life (lack of internal success) or not getting what you want (lack of external success) is because you are not getting what you need. There may be times when your heart is open, but you are looking in the wrong direction. And sometimes you look where you should, but your heart is closed and you cannot absorb the love that your soul needs. As you learn more about each of these love vitamins and how to get what you need, you will find yourself empowered to make your desires come true.

Each of the love vitamins is important

Each of the ten types of love and support is essential for a complete personality. Although each type of love is as important as the others, in practice it does not always look that way. If your body is sick, it may be due to a lack of just one vitamin. In this case - although all vitamins are important - the vitamin that is missing will be more important to you than others. By taking and absorbing the vitamin that you were missing, you will immediately improve your well-being.
Likewise, if you are deficient in one particular love vitamin, no matter how much you consume of the others, you will still not be happy. This is why there are so many approaches to the problem of finding happiness. Some people thrive when they discover God's love, while others only need to love themselves to change their lives for the better. Some people find happiness in love affairs, while others find happiness in spending time with family and friends. Different people have different emotional gaps, and what they need most is the kind of love they lack.
Our needs for love are different, because each has its own deficiency.
For example, if a person who lacked the feeling of being loved by God embraces this spiritual revelation with all his heart, an incredible metamorphosis will happen to him. But others, who do not know the shortage of divine love, will not experience such dramatic experiences. Of course, they will feel uplifted, but they will not be overwhelmed by emotions. It's similar to how we eat. When a hungry person eats, he is very happy and the taste of food seems delicious to him. But to someone who has eaten a decent portion, the additive does not seem as tasty and no longer brings pleasure. An excess of goods dulls our ability to enjoy them. Having been fed up, we do not demand more, but strive to leave.
Chris is a devout member of his church. For many years he was quite happy with his life. He has a wife, a family and a good job. But after forty he was overcome by depression. In conversations with him, it turned out that because of this depression, he, in turn, felt a sense of guilt.
Chris thought: since he found God, that means he should be happy. He dedicated his life to being good and serving God. And he couldn’t understand why he was so depressed. Chris felt guilty for not having the connection with God and the joy he had previously experienced as a neophyte.
After learning about love vitamins, Chris realized that he had not done anything to diversify his leisure time. He lacked vitamins D and S. He put so much effort into being good that he couldn't give himself enough attention. He was so thorough in his devotion to God that he had no time to relax and please himself.
To overcome his depression, Chris needed to take his attention away from serving God and focus on himself. He decided to take a break, bought a cool car and went on a trip with his wife and children. Chris allowed himself something he had never done before. He and his wife read several books about sex and love, after which they began to have more fun in the bedroom.
Since he did not blame himself for shifting his attention from God to himself, he felt better. Freed for a time from responsible duties in his spiritual community, he soon returned to it. Here Chris was again shown respect and support. He needed to understand that by taking time for himself, he did not stop loving God.

You can always find the love in which you indulge

You can attract the love you need, but your heart needs to open to receive it, and your mind needs to know what you need. If your heart wants something that is not available to you, then you are looking in the wrong direction. More often than not, you don't get what you need because you try to get everything from one source. You want to be healthy by taking just one vitamin. If you think that you cannot get the love you want, this is a signal that you have paid attention to the wrong vitamin.
If your heart wants something that is not available to you, then you are looking in the wrong direction.
This often happens in marriage. When people get married, they neglect some love vitamins. At first everything is great, the young people feel in seventh heaven. Why not? They have found someone to share love with and who satisfies their need for vitamin V (the love and support of those with whom you have close relationships - partners or lovers). This feeling is so strong that the spouses temporarily forget about all their other needs.
But this heaven is temporary. By taking large doses of vitamin V, you are not addressing your other unmet needs. The soul needs all ten vitamins, although the heart can only absorb one at a time. Those who think: “I lack all ten vitamins, but I’ll take one of them and get everything I need” are mistaken.
The soul needs all ten love vitamins, but the heart can only absorb one at a time.
If you are deficient in vitamin V, but you are also deficient in other vitamins, then when you get enough vitamin V, you will be unaware of the types of love you are missing. However, once your need for vitamin V is satisfied, you will feel empty in the area of your other unmet love needs.
As soon as one need is satisfied, we immediately experience dissatisfaction to a degree that corresponds to the deficiency of another type of love. At some point (when we have received what we need from vitamin V), we inevitably begin to feel that there is a void in our relationships with loved ones caused by the dissatisfaction of other needs.
This explains why so many couples are initially completely in love, and then - the exact opposite feeling. The initial relationship is so cloudless
because for a while we cease to feel the inner emptiness, the lack of love. We get in touch with our inner nature and feel great. As the need for vitamin V is satisfied, we begin to feel as unhappy as we were before love came to us.
At this moment we stop loving. No matter what we (or our companion) do, we are in trouble. We get irritated. Now our situation is even worse than before, because we are sure that our partner is worthy of condemnation. We no longer enjoy the presence of our other half, but want her to change (or we want to exchange her for another). Our hearts do not strive for love, and attempts to improve our relationship with our partner (or find someone with whom our relationship would be better) only bring confusion into our lives. When filled with judgment, we not only lose our ability to get what we need, but we also begin to hurt each other.
By learning to recognize the various love vitamins, you will not be deceived by the illusion of not having what you need. If obstacles arise along the way of acquiring what you need, you will be able to shift the focus of your attention in the right direction and immediately receive the necessary support. Knowing where to look and how to receive will help you realize that you can always find the love you need.

Chapter 5. Ten containers of love

The idea of ten containers of love will help you UNDERSTAND THE DYNAMICS OF OBTAINING what you need. Imagine the need for each type of love as a separate reservoir. Each person has ten such containers. If we do not want to lose touch with our true selves, we need to ensure that they are always filled.
If we have lost contact with the qualities of our true self, then the level of love in one or more reservoirs will decline. When you take a specific love vitamin, you begin to fill the corresponding container. When the reservoir is full, we will reconnect with our self.
Thus, the secret to constantly connecting with your true self is to keep your love tanks full. While they are full, we can experience increasing joy, peace, and confidence. And besides, do not lose contact with your inner potential, the ability to create and attract more benefits to yourself.
As soon as one of the containers is filled, in order not to upset the internal balance, you need to start filling the next one. If from time to time you don't keep track
If you satisfy all your needs for love, you will not see happiness. For example, turning to your partner for love only, you will begin to resent him for not giving you more than you expect from him.
As soon as one of the containers is filled, you need to start filling the next one so as not to lose your inner balance.
Your love relationship is the filling of the V reservoir. In our effort to receive the love vitamin from our partner after this reservoir has been drained, we disconnect from the source that nourishes us. The irony is that often, while looking for the vitamin of love that would unite us, we achieve the opposite result. If the connection with the true source that makes us harmonious is broken, no matter what your partner does, it will seem to you that he is not diligent enough. In a situation like this, we mistakenly think that we can improve it by working on our relationships. In fact, you just need to pay attention to another reservoir of love.
If the vitamin V container is full, then concentrating all our efforts on solving relationship problems will only make the situation worse. Without knowing this, the spouses ruin each other's lives, trying to improve the situation in the family according to their own understanding. If husband and wife can learn to recognize the signs that the reservoir is full and turn their attention to filling another container of love, they can avoid a great deal of unnecessary suffering.
George and Rose were married for eight years. Although they applied in their lives the advice and ideas contained in the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” regarding improvement interpersonal relationships, were still unhappy with each other. It seemed like George couldn't do anything well. He tried to do what he read about, but it wasn't enough for his wife, Rose. She felt that he was internally deaf to her words and did not give her what she needed.
Rose tried to be a loving wife, but she felt that no matter how much love she gave, George perceived all her requests as criticism of him. She felt like she was walking on eggshells. Although Rose wanted to love, she was consumed by a feeling of resentment. The more she tried to do the right thing, the more resentful she became at George for not getting what she needed from her interactions with him. The relationship between George and Rose is no longer romantic.
Having heard about the reservoirs of love, George and Rose decided not to demand anything from each other for six weeks. During this time, they slept in separate rooms and focused on other sources of getting what they needed. They refrained from extremes like looking for a certain type of love on the side, but finally took time for themselves and talked with friends and relatives. They did what they wanted and didn't expect anything from each other.
Having gotten used to the new situation, they felt much happier. And when they stopped blaming each other for their misfortune, they completely realized that everything was fine with them. As they began to fill other reservoirs of love, they felt better and felt more alive.
Six weeks later, the hour for reunion struck. It was delicious. For the first time in many years, George really wanted Rose, was interested in her. Rose, in turn, enjoyed her husband's attention and was very grateful for it. Now she had everything she had previously desired. He was attentive, sensitive, interesting, directed towards her. Rose herself exuded everything she dreamed of: gratitude, optimism, happiness to be around and reciprocity. To find each other again, it only took George and Rose to abstain from communication for a while, and then return to it on a new level.

Signs of a full tank

When the tank fills we experience a rush positive emotions. At this time, we may think that our partner makes us happy, but in reality it is simply the joy of being in touch with our inner self. However, it is the love and support of our partner that helps us turn to ourselves. If someone looks at you with love, shows tender feelings towards you, you can understand your essence deeper. Different types of love help us connect with different aspects of our true self.
When the reservoir of love is filled to the top, the feeling of inner excess disappears. Melancholy, anxiety and dissatisfaction await you. Sometimes we think that we are unhappy with our partner, although in fact we feel the total emptiness of our other containers of love.
If the reservoir of love is filled to the top, we are overcome with melancholy and anxiety.
Strangely, an inevitable sign of a filling tank is a feeling of lack of something. At this time, it is important to know where to look, otherwise our mind will place the blame on our partner. If you are unhappy in your relationships with people, then instead of trying to make them better, step back and start filling other containers of love.
If two people who were previously absorbed in love for each other lose this feeling, the reason usually lies in a lack of vitamin S (self-love). When we don't love ourselves enough, we begin to expect more from our partner. To feel love, we need to receive it more and more from our partner. But no matter what he says or does, it will not be enough for us. If you lack self-love, your partner's love will not help you feel better. Only you can deal with this yourself.
If you don't love yourself, no one but yourself can help you feel better.
If I believe I'm good enough, no matter what you do, don't dissuade me from that. Accordingly, if I don't think I'm good enough, you're unlikely to help me feel better. If we do not love ourselves, there is no point in relying on someone else's love. Only we ourselves can fill our reservoirs of love. If our level of self-love is low, we begin to judge our partner for treating us differently. We want from him such an attitude towards ourselves in which we would become happy again. But this is impossible. With this approach we will only make the situation worse.
It seems to us that our partner does not meet our expectations. We begin to compare what we now receive with what we would like to receive. We make a list of our partner’s actions that were not committed for our sake. The leitmotif becomes: “What have you done for me lately?” All of these symptoms clearly indicate the need to shift our attention to filling our vitamin S reservoir. By focusing on self-love and feeling some autonomy, we will gradually reconnect with our center. By taking time for ourselves - time in which we can do what we want - we will feel better again.

Start with self-love

I discovered the existence of reservoirs of love when I wrote one of my first books. At first it seemed that I grabbed God by the beard - I liked everything that I expressed. But then he cooled down somewhat towards his creativity. For some time I made significant efforts to improve my work. But no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t suit me. I began to make excuses, telling myself: “It’s not possible that every chapter is equally good,” “It’s not that bad, I’m just too self-critical.” Somehow I finished the chapter and tried to convince myself that I was satisfied with it.
Then he asked his wife, Bonnie, to read his opus. I acted like the chapter was wonderfully written and expected my wife to like it too. Subsequently, returning to this moment, I realized that I was hoping that Bonnie would like the chapter and that I could move forward. I so desired her approval that I thought what I had written was better than it deserved. When the wife read the chapter, she noted in delicate terms that the text was unclear and confusing. I secretly felt the same way, but I didn't want Bonnie to voice it. I remember how upset I was after her words. I did not expect a negative reaction and criticism from my wife.
She wasn't too picky and didn't do anything wrong. Her expressions were very streamlined. But I made her a scapegoat. Even if she said that she liked the chapter, I would feel that my wife was not sincere.
I didn’t like what was written, but it was my wife who condemned it. This is a clear example of how relationships depend on self-love. If I really liked the chapter, but my wife didn’t, its rating wouldn’t seem so terrible to me. Part of me wanted Bonnie to make up for my own lack of self-love.
Before I knew it, I lost my temper. Her answer left me fuming all day. True, we found some other reason for the deterioration of my mood, but the fuss flared up precisely because of my wife’s negative reaction. In general, according to my observations, in five-minute marital quarrels, most of the time is spent arguing about the manner of arguing. Spouses say things like: “You are not listening to me” or “You are attacking me.” Then, to defend their position, they bring to light a long list of past conflicts. Although we talked about finances that evening, hidden reason The disagreement was that I didn't love myself.
In a five-minute marital argument, most of the time is spent arguing about the manner of arguing.
That evening I went with a friend to an adventure film. I love this kind of movie, and the film completely absorbed my attention. After viewing the picture I felt great. At home, I was able to easily apologize to Bonnie, and I again felt that I loved her very much. The next day I re-read the ill-fated chapter and quickly corrected something in it. I liked what was written. The obstacles to my literary expression were overcome.
Afterwards I tried to figure out what happened. So, I met an obstacle. I didn't like what I wrote and couldn't make the chapter better. I didn’t like the fact that my wife didn’t like what was written, and then we quarreled. Then I went to the cinema and felt better. That's when I realized that I have different emotional needs. I need the love of my wife, the love of myself, and I also need to spend time with friends.
I didn't feel Bonnie's love and care that day and I couldn't be grateful to her because I needed a different kind of love. I couldn't make an iota of progress on the book - I simply lacked self-love. Finally, I didn't like anything I wrote. After going to the cinema with a friend, I felt relieved.
To feel better in my work and relationships, I needed to step back and fill one of the other tanks (I need to spend some time with friends and have fun). On the way to the cinema, I to some extent relieved my soul in front of a friend - also married - who felt the same as me. And received the support of a like-minded person. As a result of filling these two tanks, I felt better and was able to look at the situation differently, with more optimism. By switching to satisfying my other needs, I was able to return to my true loving self.
I soon tried out the concept of needing different kinds of love with my clients, and it worked. If spouses are unhappy with each other, in most cases I advise them not to demand more from their partner, but to try to get love and support of a different kind. Spouses who complain to each other should do something to fill their other love reservoirs. And then focus on improving relationships.
If you feel empty inside and judge your partner, it is difficult for you to purposefully learn the ability to love him (her) the way he (she) needs. I realized that this idea applies to achieving success in all areas of my life. By learning to keep all my love reservoirs full, I was able to maintain a level of confidence and optimism that not only made me happier, but also allowed me to achieve (and exceed) everything I set out to do in business.

Chapter 6. Ten stages

RESERVOIRS OF LOVE are located in a certain order. Each of them is formed during the period from conception until we reach adulthood. At certain stages, in order to develop all our talents and abilities, we need predominantly one of the types of love. Having received the type of love we need at each stage, we thereby lay a solid foundation for receiving the next type of love.
When moving to the next stage, ideally we need to keep the previous reservoirs of love filled. If they are not full, then in order to maintain connection with our true self, after filling the next container, we need to go back and fill other containers.
If, during the period of passing through certain age periods, we do not receive enough of the love that we need, then as a result we cannot understand and develop some aspects of our personality. We will never comprehend them later - even if we go back and receive that specific type of love that we lacked.
For example, if children do not receive the love, understanding and attention they need, they may not fully understand who they really are. They don't realize how unique they are and, as a result, feel unattractive in the eyes of others. If life challenges their worth, they will lose touch with their natural state of inner love, joy, peace and confidence. Life will hold them back in a variety of ways until they learn to fill the empty (or half-empty) tank they inherited from the past.
To become who we are and not lose touch with our true selves, certain love vitamins should be taken at different times.

Ten time periods

Time period - Vitamin of love - The necessary kind of love
1. From Conception to Birth - Vitamin B 1- Love of God
2. From birth to seven years - Vitamin R - Parental love
3. From seven to fourteen - Vitamin D - Family, friends and leisure
4. From fourteen to twenty-one - Vitamin E - Like-minded people
5. From twenty-one to twenty-eight - Vitamin S - Self-love
6. Twenty-eight to thirty-five - Vitamin V - Close relationships and romantic connections
7. From thirty-five to forty-two - Vitamin Z - Love for those who depend on us
8. From forty-two to forty-nine - Vitamin O - Giving back to the social environment
9. From forty-nine to fifty-six - Vitamin M - Giving back to the world
10. From fifty-six onwards - Vitamin B 2- Serving God

Until we reach full maturity (at 56 years old), it is important for us to receive love vitamins for our growth that correspond to a certain period of life. If we don't receive the kind of love we need, it will harm us in one way or another. As we go through certain stages of development, we will miss something to one degree or another.
It's a bit like wanting to learn to read without knowing the alphabet. Or trying to drive a car without knowing how to ride a bike. Or the desire to run your own business without really learning to read and count. Although you can steer, you will always have to put in extra effort to do so. Likewise, each love vitamin becomes the basis for the next. Getting every love vitamin helps us stay connected to all parts of who we are.
The dissatisfaction we feel as we grow older is not caused solely by the needs of the age period in which we find ourselves. It is usually caused by a lack of necessary filler in other tanks. If friction arises between spouses, the underlying reason for this is often their dislike for themselves. Having experienced a similar situation in my marriage, I came up with the idea of different reservoirs of love. Although this may seem obvious to you after reading about the ten kinds of love, I have never seen such a clear expression of this idea before.
In fact, the concept of ten containers of love and different time periods of personality development simply follows from common sense. All parents notice that as children approach the age of seven, they become more independent and begin to seek support and friendship from other people, relying less on their parents. That is why junior schoolchildren so different from preschoolers.
It is natural that the next significant changes in a person’s life occur upon reaching puberty, and then around twenty-one, when we begin to be considered adults. At this time, many leave home to find themselves and feel their independence. Each of these stages is well known to us. But we are not so familiar with the subsequent ones. People believe that at twenty-one their development is complete, although this is far from the truth. With the same frequency - every seven years - we go through important stages of growing up. Each of them corresponds to different reservoirs of love.
We become more and more mature in a spiritual sense until we reach the age of fifty-six (and this is not the limit). If you have learned to keep all your love reservoirs full, then at fifty-six you will have full access to your inner potential. That is, you will learn everything about who you are and what you are capable of. You can spend the rest of your life serving God and humanity to the best of your potential. All life is a process of growth and development. When you stop growing, you begin to die.
The process of maturation does not stop at twenty-one, but continues throughout life.
As a psychological counselor, I have noticed that at the age of twenty-eight (or thereabouts) significant changes occur in the mental world of my clients and friends. They seem to cry out: “I can’t live someone else’s life. I need to find myself, be myself.” Thanks to the level of development achieved by this age, most people have already formed their own image. Now they are beginning to take relationships with loved ones more seriously and responsibly. If you don't find time to be yourself at this stage, it will be impossible to move on. People feel the urge to step back and experience freedom again.
A person who marries early often encounters great difficulties at the age of twenty-eight. Statistics show that most divorces occur at this stage of life. Having given up on themselves in order to maintain relationships with loved ones, many suddenly find that they cannot give their partner what he expects from marriage.
As we enter the intimate relationship stage (from twenty-eight to thirty-five), the question naturally arises of whether we are ready for it. If you miss something because you didn't take the time to be yourself, you won't be able to keep in touch with your inner guide. Meanwhile, if this contact is absent, it is very difficult to understand what needs to be done. It is even more difficult to move forward, maintain normal relationships and have a career if other reservoirs of love are empty.

Step back to move forward

So, there is a reason to step back in order to then move forward. You can find many examples of this in life. For many people, after sixty or seventy, vivid childhood memories spontaneously awaken. Grandparents always like to talk about the past. And that's very cool. To stay cheerful and healthy, they unconsciously turn to the past, and such memories make them feel better.
If the wounds of their childhood and adolescence have not yet healed and their corresponding reservoirs are half empty, they simply cannot move forward without healing their past. Their bodies are sick because the containers of love are not filled. Some of them even lose short-term memory, remembering only the distant past. They are unable not only to move forward, but also to find themselves in the present.
If a person is sick and does not get better, it means that the love that he needs is not available to him.
If you don't fill your car with gas or change the oil, it will stop. Likewise, when the reservoirs are empty, a person cannot perceive the life force that is directed inside him (as happens when we love and feel that we are loved). In many cases, old people begin to behave like children or - for example, due to illness - they lose independence and become dependent on others, like children.

Fifty six: pre-retirement crisis

At moments of transition from one period of life to another, we to a certain extent feel the emptiness of our other reservoirs. Therefore, we have a strong desire to go back. If we don't do anything at this point to alleviate the situation, we will continue to struggle without realizing what we are really missing.
Let us first look at what happens to the ten reservoirs of love at about fifty-six years of age. Many men simply cannot wait to retire. They strive to finally be able to do what they have always wanted - to relax and have leisure time. They want to do what they denied themselves as breadwinners for the family. And instead of moving forward, they retreat back. They would like to start serving God, but they feel the need to serve themselves. When new life they eventually get bored and suddenly fade away.
Insurance companies say men are more likely to die once they retire. If a man continues to work, then he lives much longer. The secret to a man's longevity is to keep working but also have enough leisure and love. Men often continue to work because they love their work. In this case, we can say that in their lives the upper level of filling most of the love reservoirs is maintained. If you love your job, then this indicates that you have established good contact with your inner self.
A man needs to continue to feel needed and be responsible for others. Otherwise he will lose vital energy and the meaning of existence.
Women are less likely to die at fifty-six, but they can still decline. If women are not ready to move on, they become inert and stubborn. Instead of taking their time to reflect on their lifelong experiences and make the world a little better, they may take a big step back. It costs them nothing to ignore other people's opinions, like that teenager who declares: “I want to do this, I want to do that, and I don’t care what you think about it. I know everything I need to know.” Too much independence can make a woman intolerant of objections. To maintain her health, a woman needs to feel that she is not alone and can rely on others.
A woman needs to feel that she is not alone and can rely on others; Excessive independence only harms her.
If at fifty-six your love tanks are full, then you are ready to move forward. You begin to experience incredible joy because you are free to do what you are meant to do in this world. They care about you and need you. With such a feeling, there is no point in being sick. You stay healthy and die only when you are ready to do so after many years of joyful, loving service to God and the world.
During each of life's major transitions, it is important to listen to your heart and act in ways that fill the emptiness within. If at such a time we do not do something to alleviate the situation, we will continue to struggle with difficulties without understanding what we really need.

Empty Nest Crisis: Forty-Nine to Fifty-Six

The next crisis commonly considered is the empty nest crisis. Around the age of forty-nine, many spouses, as well as single parents, feel the futility of life. When they are faced with the task of paying off their debts to the world, they suddenly feel an inner emptiness. They have little to give and feel that they themselves are losing. Spouses often blame their life partner for their unhappiness. Because children have left home or become independent, parents feel frustrated to the extent that the vacuum in family relationships is not filled. The nest is empty. There is no one in the house. What's next?
For both spouses and single parents, this situation can be the beginning of gaining greater freedom to enjoy life to the fullest, but it can also become a source of problems. At the age of 45–65, we learn to get what we need either from relationships with other people (not close ones), or we begin to blame our other half for not giving us enough. At this time, there is no need to be offended by your partner (or lack thereof). You need to rise to the feeling of universal love and generously give it to others. This is the time to help the world become a better place.
If we are not prepared for this period, we will feel depressed because we are missing out on something important in life. Without knowing how to fill our reservoirs of love, it becomes more and more difficult for us to move forward. Although doctors are constantly looking for a means to prolong life, the recipe is nearby and it is very simple. Keep your love tanks full and you will maintain both spiritual and physical youth.
The secret to eternal youth is to keep your love tanks full.
At this time, we begin to realize that we are not eternal, and we want to prolong our youth. This is actually a positive trend. If previously we neglected to fill all the reservoirs of love, it manifests itself especially strongly. We can be completely disconnected from the energy we felt in childhood, adolescence and young adulthood.
To feel younger, men turn to young women, and women resort to all sorts of tricks to lose ten years. If we don't find a way to stay young, it becomes our new problem. Again, by focusing on ourselves, we may miss the opportunity for growth given to us. At this time we must be ready to help the world. Ideally, this should be the moment when we have satisfied all our internal needs.
If you have been properly prepared, your greatest joy at this stage will be to participate in the work of making the Earth a place suitable for the habitation of intelligent beings. It’s not bad at all if you decide to travel around the world in which you share your inner light and love with other people. At this time, you will be able to meet representatives of other societies and cultures, and go beyond your social environment. It is very joyful to see people who, at fifty or sixty years old, have found time to see the world.

Midlife crisis: from forty-two to forty-nine

Another well known critical point- middle age crisis. It usually happens at forty-two. Often during these years people begin to feel the emptiness of their past life. Naturally, before jumping out of the plane, a skydiver strives to check his parachute several times. Likewise, a person, before he feels that he can bring benefit to society, must feel inner completeness. Without a foundation you cannot build a house. If your bank account is nearly empty, you won't be able to give anything to your local church community.
When the time comes to take the next step, and you experience an internal vacuum, you step back in search of what you didn’t receive. A man may suddenly feel free to sell his business and go to conquer the mountain peaks. Or, if he is married, become interested in another woman. If he was conservative in life, it may come into his head to buy the latest brand of car or acquire something that he dreamed of, but never got in his youth or young adulthood. He re-evaluates his life and sets new priorities. Quite often, men want to be freed from responsibilities that make them feel old. The real reason for the feeling of the burden of years is that the former reservoirs of love have ceased to be filled.
If we are not ready to take a step forward at the right time, then we want to step back.
Those periods of the past in which a man, in his opinion, sacrificed himself or did not receive what he needed, lead to an increase in his dissatisfaction. To advance in his development, he needs to get what he needs without creating chaos in his life and without causing harm to those he loves. The reservoirs of love can be filled without destroying your life.
To advance in his development, a man needs to get what he needs without creating chaos in his life and without causing harm to those he loves.
Around forty-two women can also be dissatisfied with their lives and often complain that they have not found what they wanted. One day they wake up with a long list in their heads of what they gave and what they did not receive in return. They feel hurt and empty. If a woman is not aware of the reservoirs of love, she will be inclined to curse her current life instead of going back and healing her past. She withdraws from love and often decides to devote herself to society, but at the same time she is mortally offended by him. She makes her situation worse than before when she feels guilty for resenting her life.
Of course, these experiences can arise at any time, but more often the past gapes empty precisely at these transitional moments. If we treat it without due respect and do nothing to heal it by refilling the previous reservoirs of love, the grace of merging with our inner source of love and completeness will not flow upon us. Without such inner contact, life will never live up to our hopes and expectations.

Hidden crisis: from thirty-five to forty-two

Although at the age of thirty-five a person goes through another crisis, no one talks about it. Thirty-five years is the time to give our unconditional love to those who depend on us. Children (and then grandchildren) are ideally suited for the role of wards, but pets also cope well with this responsibility. Around this time, the human spirit seeks the opportunity to unconditionally give itself to those who need us and who depend on us.
Giving ourselves to our children is exactly the kind of love we need. The ideal relationship between a parent and child is one of unconditional love. The child does not owe the parent anything. Some people unconsciously insult their children by telling them that they owe them something. They say things like, “After everything I've done for you, you should feel indebted to me.” It is not right. However, when parents are not prepared for this stage of their lives, this happens.
Some parents unconsciously insult their children by telling them that they owe them something.
The child rewards the father and mother who are ready for their destiny a hundredfold, namely: it gives them the opportunity to fully express their parental feelings. It is a great happiness to love someone so much that by giving love we seem to reward ourselves. Only by idolizing their children do parents continue to improve. The problem with many fathers and mothers is that they have children before they have learned to give gifts to themselves.
When married couples have children without being ready for this, then about 35 people begin to feel guilty for all those times when they were not delighted with their fatherhood or motherhood. They will regret that they could not give their children what they deserved. Or they will be indignant that they gave a lot, but their children give nothing in return.
If our souls are not full, we cannot give our love unconditionally.
It's a silent disaster because people don't want to talk about the resentment they feel about having children. They love their children and, no matter what, love to give themselves to them. But they essentially failed in life. To protect themselves from it, parents must learn to fill their souls with love in advance.
At this stage, people who do not have children or dependents whom they love and care for as their own children will feel that they are missing out on something important in life. Instead of moving forward to overcome life's difficulties, they chose to retreat to simply do what they wanted rather than give themselves to another person. Most likely, they will never know why nothing in life makes them happy.
To discover your true self, it is not enough to spend time with your nieces or nephews. Real responsibility is needed. Anyone who has a dog knows the responsibility this places on its owner. The dog needs to be fed and walked regularly. She may get sick and you will have to look after her. This, like motherhood (fatherhood), requires sacrifice. But it's worth it. If your lifestyle does not allow you to have an animal, then taking care of a plant or a garden can also become a manifestation of your caring instinct.
If you don't have kids at 35, spending time with your nieces and nephews occasionally isn't enough.
Another aspect of the hidden crisis is the frequency of marital sex. Often, it is at this age that a man shows less interest in sexual activity, while a woman, on the contrary, wants more physical intimacy. This is especially true for those who got married in their twenties. If for many years a wife wants more sex from her husband than he gives, then eventually the husband simply begins to move away from her. Very often, a woman's sexual desires increase as her biological readiness to become a mother progresses.
At the age of about thirty-seven, it is not men who complain about lack of sex, but women.
In my seminars on marital relationships, I always talk about how a man gradually loses interest in sex with his partner if she is constantly dissatisfied with him. During a break in class or at the end, when I sign books, women always come up to me and secretly (so as not to embarrass their husbands) tell me that they are experiencing sexual dissatisfaction. They want sex, but their husbands are not interested in them. When I ask them their age, they almost always turn out to be thirty-seven.
When the time comes for women to give more and they are full of feelings, their partners in a certain sense leave them (for example, going to play golf). This happens if the needs of men - spiritual and physiological - are not understood. In the latter case, they often return to their previous requests and try to satisfy them. The logic here is this: rather than trying to get intimate and hear that they are unhappy with you, it’s better to kick the ball.

Identity crisis: twenty-eight to thirty-five

"Who am I? What do I really need to do?” - these questions are ideal for twenty-somethings. If we don't get around to finding and loving ourselves before we reach the next age category (twenty-eight), we will feel the need to do so later.
Between the ages of 28 and 32, there is often a desire to get a divorce and avoid communication. Many unmarried women in their thirties wonder why they still haven't found their partner. According to the theory of love reservoirs, the whole point is that after twenty they did not find themselves. They don't do what they really want to do. On the one hand, they enter into intimate relationships and lose themselves. In other cases, they want to prove that they are equal to men in everything. But they do it in such a way that they cannot be themselves (really themselves) in their desires.
After twenty comes the time for research and experimentation. If at this age we miss the opportunity to be ourselves, showing our desires and aspirations, it makes no sense to expect that later we will be completely satisfied with life.
If we lose touch with our inner self, if we don’t love ourselves, it’s difficult for anyone to meet our needs. If we feel that we are not good enough, then - just as we place excessive demands on ourselves, we can also be demanding on others. However, no partner is suitable for us if we do not love ourselves. A woman may refrain from entering into a relationship with a man if he is not considered suitable for marriage, and he, in turn, is inclined to retreat when the time comes to propose.
Find the right partner
When women become too picky about men, they stop valuing what they can get and start wanting what they can't get. If they want to get married, they start looking for a future husband, not for pleasant and interesting dates. They don't want to marry just anyone. They think that the person they marry must have extraordinary potential. They don’t want to waste time meeting the “wrong” person.
This is actually a good idea, but it misses one very important detail. A woman needs to be careful not to get seriously carried away by the wrong person. At the same time, she needs to date many men. If a man is interested in you and is not completely indifferent to you, you should start spending time with him, even if he is clearly not suitable as a husband.
A woman who doesn't have a strong sense of self has a hard time dating many men. It only takes one or she won't date anyone. However, this is an extreme. There should be many men in a woman’s life, then among them there will be the one she is looking for. You should always have a man with whom the relationship is gradually fading, a man with whom they are more or less regular, and one with whom the relationship is just starting. Let them know that you have your eye on a lot of men and if that is causing a problem then...NEXT!
Heal past wounds
When people reach the age of twenty-eight, they tend to experience emotional turmoil - especially if they have ignored their feelings in the past. At twenty-one, physical maturity begins, and at twenty-eight, emotional maturity. If the rejected emotions of the past have not been dealt with, they will begin to return to us again. As our souls mature for intimate relationships, we become more aware of what is going on in our souls.
Often a mixture of different emotions comes out, everything that did not find its solution in the past. We begin to question everything we have learned from others. Now it's time to live your life, under your inner guidance. Of course, others can help along the journey and point the way. But now we ourselves need to feel in our hearts that this is the true path, the path for us. What is good for one may not be exactly what another needs.
If we were wounded in our youth and youth, then before we move on, we need to heal these wounds. Before we feel safe, can open our hearts to someone, establish spiritual intimacy, we need to gain confidence that we will not be hurt again. If we feel pain in our unhealed hearts, we will continue to be afraid. Because of this fear, women tend to be overly critical and fearful of intimacy. This will not deter a man from entering into an intimate relationship, but it will make him shy away from proposing.
Until we have healed past heart wounds, it is difficult for us to move towards our thirtieth birthday, towards finding our other half. We tend to spend too much time on our careers and other pursuits, avoiding too close relationships. Here's the secret to dealing with it: Go on dates, but avoid getting too close until you've healed your past. In subsequent chapters we will look at how to heal past wounds.

End of free trial.

How to be happy in marriage? How to avoid conflicts in the family and learn to better understand your soulmate? The lecture of the American writer and psychologist, who lived for thirty years in happy marriage with his wife Boni, whom the lecturer mentioned more than once during his speech

The main idea that John Gray tries to convey both in his book and during his lectures is that there are too many differences between women and men, and representatives of different sexes can build strong relationships only when they understand each other’s nature.

Men by nature are conquerors and providers. They need recognition, praise and a pedestal, while women care about completely different things. The center of a woman’s attention is her family and children, and her main reward will be the love of her loved ones.

Over his many years of practice, Gray listened to more than one hundred women, and they all came to him with similar problems: 1) a man does not know how to listen; 2 the man does not fulfill the woman’s requests. After listening to thousands of identical complaints, the psychologist made two important conclusions: women need to learn to complain (and do it correctly), while men need to stop complaining.

Gray's theory is easily explained at the physiological level: when a man experiences pain and talks about it, his level of estrogen (female hormone) in the blood increases, and the level of testosterone (male hormone) decreases. Only if the man is silent about his pain, testosterone levels increase.In other words, a man remains a man.

At the same time, the modern woman has become too tough. She gets an education, earns money, and, at the same time, continues to run a household, raise children, and care for her husband. The accumulation of responsibilities contributes to an increase in the level of cortisol, a stress hormone, which clearly does not make a woman more affectionate and gentle. It is noteworthy that the more a woman earns, the higher her social status, the more unhappy she feels.

People may mistakenly conclude that women should not be self-reliant and independent. There will only be peace and equality in the world when women live in peace and equality within their families,” says John Gray.

In order to reduce the level of cortilosis and increase the level of estrogen in the blood, a woman must realize that she cannot do without male help. She must learn to complain, and do it right. Tell your spouse about everything that happened to her that day, including troubles, both small and large, and excluding only one thing: criticism of your partner. Men cannot stand criticism, it hits their pride hard, and as a result, they simply refuse to listen.

At the same time, the man’s task is to listen patiently to his beloved. Women need to share their emotions, and men just need to listen to them without even engaging in active dialogue. “I Hear You” is a golden, secret phrase that disarms a woman.

When a woman complains and a man can't stand it anymore, he wants to stop her, tell her to shut up. Instead, he must gather all his will and say one thing: keep talking,” says John Gray.

Only if a man wants his woman to be happy, he must learn to listen to her. And a woman needs to learn patience, patience, and more patience.

At the moment when a quarrel is brewing, the conflict is flaring up at a dangerous speed, and understanding of the situation is far beyond the bounds of reason, Gray advises taking a time out and giving each other a rest. He advises thinking about the situation alone, finding several alternative methods to resolve the conflict and returning to your soul mate with an open heart.

“By building a wall around our heart, we do not let in the person who has offended us. But we can no longer go beyond this wall. We stop loving and giving love, and there is nothing worse than this feeling. A person finds himself in his own trap from the wall ", which he himself built. Forgiveness is the most important thing in a relationship. By forgiving, a person destroys the built wall," says Gray.

The psychologist offers men a step-by-step dialogue with a woman who is complaining. It consists of three key phrases that a man needs to use:

Keep talking.
Do you have anything to add?
Help me understand you.
A woman must learn to accept, a man - to give. This helps a woman open up,” says John Gray.

In order for a woman to feel happy, she needs very little: care, understanding and respect. And if, in addition to everything else, she understands that a man is not a superman, and accepts her husband as he is, then this will serve as a strong platform for a successful marriage.

All you need to do is try to understand each other,” is one of the key pieces of advice from an American psychologist.

Gray John (John Gray).

John Gray is a world-famous expert in the field of human and family relationships, in particular, the author of 17 books published in dozens of countries with millions of copies. In 1995-1996 they occupied first place on the US bestseller lists for a record period - almost a year and a half! Their phenomenal popularity is explained by the author’s completely new approach to the age-old problem of relationships between men and women.

D. Gray is one of the participants in the film “The Secret”. But he is much more famous for the series of books “Mars and Venus”. The first book in this series was published in 1993. It is called “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” It is one of the ten most influential books published over the past 25 years. But John Gray went a long way to his success. After graduating from school, he entered two universities at once. But John Gray never graduated from any of them. In this he is similar to Joe Vitale. He also failed to complete his studies at the University of Kent.

For nine years, John Gray lived as a monk, studying transcendental meditation. He studied at one of the Maharishi's centers located in the mountains of Switzerland. There D. Gray received his bachelor's and master's degrees.

John graduated from Columbia University in 1982. D. Gray studied remotely and received a doctorate in psychology and human sexuality. Brian Tracy (author of books and audio programs on business, sales management, self-realization and leadership) was also a graduate of this university.

For more than 15 years, John has been working as a family psychotherapist and conducting seminars personal growth. He was invited by such famous TV presenters as Larry King and Oprah Winfrey. John Gray has appeared on various television and radio programs throughout the country. He wrote about 17 books, which were translated into 40 languages of the world. Video and audio recordings of seminars and training programs have been released. John Gray now lives with his family in Northern California.

I would beat off the fingers of the one who closed it, and his brains.

Rated 5 out of 5 stars from Stas 07/29/2016 14:31

The best book!

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by Khalil 03/02/2016 05:34

Many of the tips and, moreover, the articles and examples I read are taken straight from life, you read and think this is about me, it turns out I’m not the only one, and a little further you realize how much you did not understand the female gender, although earlier you stated the opposite with such conviction

Rated 5 out of 5 stars from Rustaveli 01/03/2016 21:24

The book is great. I like it

Rated 5 out of 5 stars from Aselek 07/15/2015 14:43

This is one of the best books))). anyone should read it)) really practical advice. and everything is in clear language!!)) the highest score))

Rated 5 out of 5 stars from Maxim 06/09/2015 00:01

amaterasudakini, what a comment! Now I’ll definitely read it!

Rated 5 out of 5 stars from savchuk_katrin 07/08/2014 12:33

A MUST READ book. Both women and men - everyone who wants to learn to understand the opposite sex. and myself too. It simply turns the perception of the world upside down. As soon as you start using the advice, a lot of problems are instantly solved, because all these problems, as it turned out, arose solely due to misunderstanding.

“I beg you very much, don’t talk to me about love.

I can't hear about your love.

Finally, understand that when you say: “I love you,” you put one meaning into these words, but I extract a completely different meaning from them.

It's like you put an orange in a hat and I take a rabbit out of it.

And then you ask me: is it delicious?

And I’m immediately horrified: do I need to kill him?

On the contrary, I feed him carrots, and his nose moves, and his pink ears shine through in the sun.

And you, well, by the way, suggest: let me clean it for you.

I imagine this, and I immediately feel sick.

Nausea, dizzy...

Okay, I say, clean it...

And I leave home so as not to see this.

I come back an hour later, and you’re sitting in a chair, there are orange peels all over the floor, and the rabbit is nowhere to be found.

You put a slice of orange in my mouth, and I immediately vomit from the taste of fresh blood.

You think: hysterical..."

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by amaterasudakini 06/18/2014 16:24

Rating 5 out of 5 stars from i_20 02/14/2012 16:37

Recipes for a Happy Relationship - John Gray

Practical tips, techniques and exercises presented in "Recipes for a Happy Relationship" help you completely change your life in just a few days, while remaining useful in the future. Thanks to this book, you will not only learn how to make sure that you and your partner are always connected with love and intimacy, but also learn how to truly love yourself and improve all types of relationships with people, and also learn powerful practical techniques for gaining self-love and to others.
Thanks to the methods described in this book, thousands of people have learned to free themselves from emotional stress and resolve conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.

Introduction

At the other end of the psychological scale are those who do not know how to get more than they have, but are still much more satisfied with themselves, their work and their well-being. Their hearts are open to life, but their dreams have not yet been realized. They have made the most of their life situation, but wonder why others have more. Most people occupy an intermediate position in relation to these extremes.

“Personal success” is the central place, where you find what you want and do not lose interest in it. Personal success does not depend on who you become, what you have and what you achieve, but on how good you are with yourself and with what you do and have. Achieving personal success is entirely within your control. You just have to clearly imagine what it is and strive to find it.

“Personal success” is nothing more than getting what you want without losing interest in it.

However, personal success is not limited to feeling satisfied with your life or being happy. It brings a feeling of confidence that you can achieve what you want and motivates you to act in the right direction. Personal success requires you to have a clear understanding of how to make life the way you want it to be. For some, personal success is learning how to get more; for others, understanding how to become happier. Many people need to learn to embody both of these important aspects.

In achieving personal success, you should not rely on chance, fate, luck or luck. Some people have an innate tendency to achieve personal success, but most require prior education and training. Luckily, you can learn how to achieve personal success. You may be much closer to him than you think. For most of you, most of you only need to make small (but important) changes in the way you think, perceive, and act to achieve the fullness you desire.

Small but important changes in the way you think can open the door to greater personal success.

By putting one or two new ideas into practice, you can literally transform your life in one evening. Although circumstances will temporarily remain the same as before, your new perspective on the situation will provide the opportunity to change everything instantly. If you are blinded by the tinsel of life, curtained windows will allow you to relax and again see the world as it is. Likewise, making certain preparations will not only help you live happily with what you have, but will also give you confidence that you are on the path to achieving what you want.

Four steps to personal success

There are four steps to achieving greater success in life. This book discusses them in great detail.

Step one: set a goal. Look at where you are now and get a clear picture of where you need to be to achieve the balance you want between internal and external success. No matter how hard you work, if you are moving in the wrong direction, you will only encounter obstacles in life and will never achieve your dreams. By acting not just in accordance with the desires of the mind, heart and feelings, but in harmony with the aspirations of the soul, you will lay the foundation for both internal and external success.

Step two: get what you need. Learn to get what you need in order to truly be yourself. It is not enough to simply say, “I want to be myself.” To know yourself and truly be yourself, you need to learn about the ten types of love and care that every person needs. Once you understand what you lack and understand how to get it, you will automatically begin to move closer to inner success. Your car may be fine, but you won't go anywhere if you don't put gas in the tank. Likewise, you cannot find your true self if your need for love is not fulfilled.

Step three: get what you want. Learn the secret to achieving external success (without losing your true self) and you will begin to get everything you want from the external world. Realize the importance of strong desires, confidence and aspiration to attract what you want. Learn to empower your desires by identifying and transforming negative feelings and emotions.

Step Four: Eliminate the things that hinder your personal success. Learn about the twelve types of obstacles that prevent you from achieving what you want, and begin to clear the path leading to both internal and external success. Learn to eliminate each of the potential obstacles: blame, depression, anxiety, indifference, bias, indecisiveness, procrastination, pickiness, resentment, self-pity, confusion and guilt. Having gained the ability to get rid of all this, you realize that nothing external can interfere with you.

Deborah finds a husband

Deborah not only found a great job, but also met the man of her dreams, whom she married. To begin a new stage of life and start a family, she had to remove three obstacles to personal success. Whenever in the past she had to decide on something, she was confused, constrained and indecisive. Having gotten rid of internal obstacles, Deborah again wanted to meet a man who would love her. By taking four steps to achieving personal success, she turned her dreams into reality.

Tom opens a bakery

Work was no longer the main source of his dissatisfaction. Having received the necessary support in meditation, he began to imagine what he would like. Tom began to constantly receive something. His life was filled with small miracles. He wanted to go on a business trip, and he was sent abroad. He wanted praise and recognition - and he got it. His confidence in his ability to create and attract what he wants increased.

This confidence gave him freedom, and he followed his dream: he quit his job and opened a bakery. To make this change in his life, he had to free himself from some internal barriers. At his previous job, Tom was often offended and judged people. As mental barriers crumbled, he got rid of slowness and indecision. Over time, this allowed him to open his own business (now very successful).

Robert finds a common language with children

In search of happiness, Robert learned to live in harmony with himself. He wanted a person in his life whom he could make happy with his enormous wealth. But first he had to learn to enjoy himself. Before, in order to feel spiritual comfort, he needed a beautiful woman next to him. Over the course of a year, Robert learned to be happy without her. He gave himself a break and went traveling alone.

Realizing that he could be internally happy, Robert began to improve his relationship with his children. He gave love and was reciprocated. Every day the millionaire's dependence on external success decreased. He was happy with external achievements, but understood why they prevented him from finding true peace and happiness.

To gain the trust of his children and share his life with someone, Robert had to overcome many obstacles. He had to get rid of his tendency to reproach, from indifference to his ex-wives and understand why his children were offended by him. By breaking down these barriers, he improved his relationships with his children and found peace and joy.

Overcoming difficulties

In whatever way your spiritual greatness manifests itself now, the bright light of your true self will shine to illuminate your path. With the dawn of inner light, your wanderings in darkness will end. Not only will you have a clear sense of what you need to do in this world, but you will also realize that you are not alone in it. The truth that you are loved and cared for will become a living, tangible sensation.

With the dawn of the inner light of love, your wanderings in darkness end.

You should not imagine personal success as being granted to you in a conflict-free state in which there is no room for disappointment and confusion. The art of achieving personal success is largely the ability to transform negative emotions into positive feelings, to perceive negative experiences as lessons learned. To truly become yourself, you need to go through a process of growth, which is impossible without changes, ups and downs. You can consider yourself to have achieved personal success if you know exactly how to get back up after a fall.

Those who dare to be themselves and follow the dictates of their hearts are sometimes met with traps. Mistakes, obstacles and overcoming them are part of life, important components of our learning and growth.

The main difference between people who succeed and those who fail is the knowledge of how to get back up if they fall.

For each person, personal success will be different from someone else's. Some people like to ride roller coasters. Others prefer the slow rotation of the Ferris wheel and the majestic views it offers. Some people just walk around, happy that no one is bothering them. Naturally, everyone has their own unique way of moving through life. In any case, there will be ups and downs, peaks and valleys, accelerations and decelerations.

Even though you have personal success, you will still experience negative emotions. But ultimately they will lift you to ever higher heights of joy, love, confidence and peace. By learning to cope with negative experiences, you will realize how important they are and give up the dream of living a life without them. Well, if you want to avoid negative and positive emotions forever, rest peacefully in the cemetery.

Life is motion. The secret of personal success is to learn to feel peace, joy, love and confidence in yourself, and not to lose contact with your inner world. Someone who knows how to make a dream come true has less reason to worry, he accepts life as a process and understands that getting anything requires a certain amount of time. If your heart is open and you truly are yourself, you will surely be able to appreciate and enjoy every step of your unique journey. The expectation of perfection in life evaporates as you discover that what you create in life (and what you attract to you) is the best possible for you.

The key to the future is in your hands. You, and only you, have the power to create your tomorrow. With this new perspective, you can find answers to any questions you have about achieving personal success. New perspectives will open up before you that will help you make your life meaningful. You will gain undeniable knowledge of how to achieve your cherished goal. These four steps will provide you with a practical and spiritual roadmap for creating the life you want to live.

Chapter 1. Money can't buy happiness

We've all heard that money can't buy love and happiness. Despite the popularity of this statement, it is very easy to get caught in the web of illusory ideas that external success brings happiness. The more we think about money as a means to being happy, the less capable we are of being happy without it.

Perhaps some of you, having read the previous paragraph, thought: “Yes, I know that money cannot give real happiness, but it certainly helps to find it.” Although this phrase sounds reasonable, it is important to understand that it is a false way of thinking that robs you of your power. To change the direction of your life and gain confidence in personal success, you need to understand that money does not bring happiness. The idea that money makes you, or anyone else, happy is an illusion.

The Nature of Illusion

Understanding this illusion requires abstract thinking, which is absent in a small child. A school teacher notices how, as students develop, their concrete thinking is replaced by abstract thinking. In most cases, these changes happen instantly. The student did not understand algebraic equations at all, but suddenly (when his mind matured) everything became clear to him. If the mind is not ready, no explanation will help the student understand the mentor.

To understand or recognize an illusion, the brain must reach a certain level of development.

The transition from concrete thinking (the world is what we see) to abstract thinking (ideas are real too) usually occurs during puberty. At the age of twelve or thirteen, the brain is developed enough to accept ideas that seem obvious to adults. Just as a child develops, so do the cognitive capabilities of all humanity. Ideas that once baffled the greatest minds of the past are now accepted by fourteen-year-old schoolchildren.

The Becoming of Common Sense

After a relatively short time, Copernicus's discovery was recognized. Humanity has made a leap in its development. What most people couldn't even imagine has become a fact. Today, humanity is taking part in another leap—moving toward understanding the secrets of personal success. It has reached this level of development thanks to great teachings and religions. As we move forward, these important traditions will remain a strong foundation (just as the student of algebra rests on the mathematical basics of “concrete thinking”).

In our historical times, many illusions have been debunked - in particular, illusions regarding the relationship between men and women. People always ask me: “Why didn’t anyone write “” before you? After all, everything is so obvious. It seems like it's just a platitude."

An idea whose time has come

The simple answer to this question is that it is an idea whose time has come. Fifty or even twenty years ago it was not so popular. When I began teaching the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus system in the early eighties, some people literally amazed me at how wrong they took my words. They failed to grasp the fact that men and women are simply different, but this does not mean that one of them is worse than the other. They believed that if a man and a woman are different, then one of them must be better. And since I am a man, people thought that I was saying that men are better than women. Gradually, over fifteen years, the ideas reflected in the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” became generally accepted not only in America, but throughout the world. These changes in understanding are global.

What is obvious to one generation was a revelation to the previous one. Fifteen years ago, feminists argued that we are all equal because we are the same - women are no different from men. To achieve equality, women sought to prove that they were the same as men. Society eventually abandoned the idea that one gender was better than the other. Now it is clear to everyone that men and women are different from each other, but now we also understand that being different does not mean being better than others.

What is obvious to one generation has always been a revelation to the previous one.

We stand on the threshold of recognizing gender equality and reject the erroneous assumption that one sex can be inherently better than the other. We are gradually awakening to be ready to eliminate racial discrimination. Likewise, more and more people are recognizing the value of all religious teachings. It becomes obvious that God does not discriminate between religions. God's grace is available to everyone, whether you are an agnostic, an atheist, a Christian, a Jew, a Hindu, a Muslim or anyone else. God loves everyone regardless of their beliefs. As the world becomes more compact, we are able to see first-hand the high moral qualities of people professing different religions. Recognizing that these qualities are inherent in everyone, regardless of religion, frees many people from the narrow confines of their past beliefs.

People are beginning to take it for granted that all major religions teach truth while remaining distinct from each other. And thank God - because millions of lives were ruined because people did not realize: spiritual messages may be different, but they say the same thing. As we enter the new millennium, it again becomes apparent that “there are many paths, but they all lead to the same place.” The illusion misled us: it seemed to us that for all people there was only one path, one type of higher person, one higher teaching or one higher religion. After we have seen the wisdom in all religions, the truth of our own path becomes more and more obvious to us.

A new door opens

Although it may seem that the outside world is responsible for how we feel, the entire responsibility for this lies with ourselves. When the outside world gives us what we wanted and “makes us happy,” the happiness immediately evaporates because we continue to think that we need to get something else to be happy. If we believe that we are dependent on the external world, our connection with our inner nature weakens. Happiness is crushed by the belief that it is impossible without additional acquisitions. Conversely, the confidence that happiness does not depend on external circumstances (and constant confirmation of this) prolongs our joy. Let me try to explain this using the example of money.

A practical guide to making wishes come true. John gray practical guide to making wishes come true John gray how to become a happy woman

John Gray Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. A new version for the modern world. Skills, skills, techniques for happy relationships

* * *

Dear readers!

Introduction

How can I get points into my account?

How to get what you want and love what you have

Introduction

Four steps to personal success

Deborah finds a husband

Tom opens a bakery

Robert finds a common language with children

Overcoming difficulties

Chapter 1. Money can't buy happiness

The Nature of Illusion

The Becoming of Common Sense

An idea whose time has come

A new door opens

Chapter 2. External success enhances our feelings

The illusion of external success

Personal success comes from within

Feeling happy

The real cause of misfortune

Chapter 3. Selling out for external success

Be happy and success will come... but not always

From monks to millionaires

Give me money

Chapter 4: How to Get What You Need

Vitamins of love

Each of the love vitamins is important

You can always find the love in which you indulge

Chapter 5. Ten containers of love

Signs of a full tank

Start with self-love

Chapter 6. Ten stages

Ten time periods

Step back to move forward

Fifty six: pre-retirement crisis

Empty Nest Crisis: Forty-Nine to Fifty-Six

Midlife crisis: from forty-two to forty-nine

Hidden crisis: from thirty-five to forty-two

Identity crisis: twenty-eight to thirty-five

Gray John (John Gray).

Recipes for a Happy Relationship - John Gray

Introduction

Four steps to personal success

Deborah finds a husband

Tom opens a bakery

Robert finds a common language with children

Overcoming difficulties

Chapter 1. Money can't buy happiness

The Nature of Illusion

The Becoming of Common Sense

An idea whose time has come

A new door opens

John Gray
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. A new version for the modern world. Skills, skills, techniques for happy relationships